My Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010 which knocked her for six. We celebrated when she went into remission and I was so relieved she was going to be ok. Fast forward to 2018 and she developed a cough which she thought was hay fever, turned out the breast cancer had returned and had spread to her plural cavity.
It was a total shock to us all and Mum seemed to be doing ok. But the diagnosis had a major impact on her mental health, which she had struggled with from time to tIme all her life. She started to reject my sister and I and despite many attempts to encourage her to talk to a counsellor, her world became smaller and smaller. My parents separated a year ago after 50 years of marriage as she had become abusive. It was so hard to see her deteriorate this way. I tried to reach out many times as she was totally alone due to covid lockdown but she didn’t want to engage in any communication and made it clear I wasn’t to be in touch with her again.
I reached out again at the beginning of December last year and she was receptive to me visiting her, with me standing in the garden and talking through the window. It was so good I see her and I could tell she was struggling mentally and physically. She agreed to let me care for her by bringing her meals for her to heat up and taking her to appointments. I was so happy that she was back in my life again. She then became very will with blood clots and internal bleeding which I prepared myself for the worst. After 6 weeks in hospital, she was well enough to come home with carer support. But then she suddenly became worse and after a day of being on the palliative care unit, she died with me and my dad by her side and my sister on FaceTime as she lives abroad. I played the Rolling Stones for her and dabbed her lips with gin and tonic. She was unresponsive when we got to her, but I spoke to her and stoked her hair, face and hand until the end.
I was so grateful to have been able to spend those last few months with her and care for her as much as she allowed me to. I miss her so much. I’m angry that she was a product of her childhood which meant that we were robbed of a healthy mother daughter relationship. I wish I had more time with her. I’ve been sorting through her things and broke down sobbing when I came across her hair brushes as they still have some of her hair in. That’s the last part of her that I have. So I’ve put them in a bag and they’re now in my draw.
I’m trying to make sense of it all but am struggling. Mother’s Day was so hard as it came a few days after her funeral and on the same day as my youngest’s birthday. So I had to arrange the funeral, daughter’s lockdown birthday party and have Mother’s Day within a few days. I’m also feeling pretty numb, not knowing what to think or feel. I developed shingles so have been ill with that for the last few weeks.
I just wish I could hug her again x
Hi Helbop
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
You can take great comfort from having her back in your life for those last months especially with her family beside her when she passed - this would also have given her great comfort and made her passing more peaceful. What you describe about her reactions towards you sounds like she was scared about the future and what will happen and she didn't want you to suffer by seeing her that way. This is a perfectly normal reaction.
Talk to her as much as you want to, even little things such as "It's very windy today". Your mum will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best she can. Tell her how you feel, how much you miss her and that you understand that the way she was was due to her illness. Visit one of her favourite places such as the local park on your own and talk to her there. She will always try to find a way to let you know she is listening and watching over you. Your mum will send you a sign - white feather in an unexpected place, radios / tv retuning - and you have to open yourself to recognise these signs which may take a few days after you have spoken to her.
You have to stay strong for your family but also need your own time to grieve. Explain this to them and ask them to understand that you will want to spend time alone occasionally. The pain never goes away but over time your mind will teach you how to recognise triggers and how to cope with them. A good way to express your emotions is to create a memory book. This should include stories from your childhood, your mums childhood, other relatives and some of your mums friends. Ask your sister to get involved also - she may remember things that you have forgotten. Include lots of photos of your mum and her favourite places / things. You could involve the whole family especially your children as this will help them deal with their emotions and they will have these memories to keep for the future.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
