My mum passed away on 30th December 2020.
She was previously diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2007, she almost died then but thankfully got through it.
In November 2019 she started to faint out of no where, was very tired and her lymphoedema flared up massively. Had multiple visits to the GP and the Marsden who told her it wouldn’t be a recurrence and that her lymphatic system was tired. She pushed more and more until she eventually got a scan and was diagnosed with stage 4 endometrial cancer in April 2020.
Doctors were quite hopeful with giving her time, however the chemo was too harsh and she ended up in intensive care with neutropenic sepsis.
She also couldn’t eat because of where the cancer was (was putting pressure in her bowel). The liquid nutrition she was given did not agree with her due to her previous cancer treatment, and she was not given enough support with alternatives.
Although she was very poorly, she had been on and even keel. Right up until the last day when I realised she was very very sick and had been trying to protect us all. It was only then when i rang around frantically for help that I was told there was nothing more to be done for her. Before then we were told the aim was to build mum up and discuss alternative treatment options.
I can’t help but feel angry at all the clinicians who didn’t listen to mum and didn’t give her the support she needed with her nutrition.
She died at home whilst I was laying next to her on the sofa. I spoke to her the whole time, told her how much I love her and how it is ok to go now, she’d been through enough.
Life just feels too big now. I feel completely untethered without my mum, like I don’t belong anywhere. We had the most amazing relationship, which I will feel forever grateful for.
I am 28 and recently found out I’m pregnant with my second child, and all I can think about is how this baby will never know my mum, and my son won’t remember her.
It feels unfair that such a special person died at just 50 years old and that I have so much life left to live without a mum in it. I am also pretty scared for when the new baby comes about how I will cope without her.
Hi Chloelily
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and how she was treated. It is not easy for specialists to give exact treatments because we are all different - they can only do their best even though it seems otherwise.
However, you can take great comfort from being with your mum when she passed and this would also have given her great comfort having you there beside her and this would make her passing more peaceful. Your mum will always be around you and you can talk to her whenever you want, tell her how you feel and ask her to support and guide you. She will be listening and will try her best to help - you have to open yourself up to any signs that she is near such as radio / tv retuning, finding an unexpected white feather or finding long lost items in a drawer. Visit one of her favourite places on your own and talk to her there and quietly await a response. Sometimes it may be a few days before you get a response but she will let you know she will be there to help whenever you need it.
We all grieve at different speeds and in different ways so there are no right or wrongs. If you need to let your emotions out then do so. If you are in a supermarket just pop to the toilet for a quick cry or you could just leave the store. Holding your emotions in regardless of time and place makes them harder to deal with. Over time your mind will learn to recognise the triggers and give you coping measures to help you even though the pain will be the same you will not notice it as much.
Another great way to express all your emotions is writing. You could start a memory book full of stories from your childhood, your mums childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your mums friends. Include lots of pictures / videos and maybe some of her favourite songs. This will be a great memento for your children and as a family it could help you all by being together and having open heart to heart discussions about what to include.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
