I am so horribly horribly angry.
my mum celebrated 5 years at Christmas since her first diagnosis with breast cancer. Yes it was horrible then, with my brother and sister both living abroad Yes it was horrible then, a nasty disease, but it was the chemo that was the tough part. It made her so very very sick. So sick that she said for over a year that if it ever came back, she didn’t think she had it in her to go through chemo again. It took a year to convince her to be part of a promising drug trial simply because some possible side effects sounding too much like how she felt on chemo, but the likely benefits of the drug reducing the risk of it returning were so good, she caved an participated.
but all that we went through was ok, because at no point through all of that first hell did any of us feel there was any chance of her not getting through it. And we were right.
but we had no idea that as mum marked the 5th anniversary, the aches in her back weren’t arthritis.
that the worsening back trouble signing her off work, and the wobbleyness that went with it was more than something needing and orthopaedic and cardiology referral.
thet she didn’t let on how painful it was getting at home.
the lockdown meant we had to take her at her word, or no word at all because we weren’t seeing her, and had no way to know how bad she was getting. Until she had a fall while I friend was present and was admitted to hospital last month.
admitted to neurology because the problem seemed to be the nerves in her back. All the usual things were done, mri, blood tests.... her body was giving nothing away. Nothing waving any red flags.
by the time some thickening was spotted round the nerves in her back, she was having periods of confusion, but this started the same time she was started on a neuropathic painkiller, so we chalked it up to that. We’d heard of it having similar effects on friends and friends of friends.
but no.... by the time everything else was illuminated, and the likely scenario was suggested to be cancer related, the feeling in the pot of our stomachs that had crept in since the beginning started making itself known.
and by the time, 5 weeks into admission in hospital, secondary breast cancer was confirmed and more scans were done, suddenly it was in her brain, nerve stem and abdomen too.
my sister is living abroad with a baby born just over 11 months ago, having his own medical issues which means they can’t fly, my brother is also abroad, and less than 48 hours after being moved to oncology and Waiting for the last scans to definitively say where it’s spread to to give us an idea of timescale, I’m already getting a phone call to say i should come.
so I’m writing this sitting by my mothers side now in our 3rd night, with my brother, sister, step brother and step sister all keeping vigil with us virtually using a group video that we has been running the whole time in utter utter disbelief that this is happening!
that circumstances and time that is wildly shorter than our worst case scenario has me sitting here.... on my own, want to scream and shout blue murder that this nasty evil disease has snuck in the back door and taken us by surprise. That my mum will never meet her grandson, that she can’t feel the comfort of her children around her, that her many many friends have been denied the chance to say goodbye.
how is it that this wonderful woman deserves this????? That this vigil is so cruelly echoing the same five children and my mother sittting at my stepdads deathbed and the waiting and waiting while they fade and fade for hours and hours.
And there’s nothing to punch, nothing to direct my absolute raging fury at because everyone involved is so understanding and wonderful and professional.
and all I can do to try and process it is sit here, as I keep checking that she is still gulping air while periodically looking at me with eyes that don’t recognise me, as she stares blankly at me as I ask if she’s in pain. And all I can think, spending my third night in hospital with this beautiful lady who was FaceTiming me everyday three weeks ago, is that I’ve been robbed , that every silver lining we hoped for has been spat on by this thing that is taking her so so so quickly and I promised her I would get her home for the end and it wouldn’t even let me do that .
and I just want to hit something , and shout till I’m hoarse and I can’t.
My heart is breaking
writing here while I try to process hoping it will help but not sure
Hi Louisj
I am so sorry that you are alone whilst you sit with your Dear Mum, who has gone through so much, and to read that you think she does not recognise you at this time is so heart-breaking, there are no words to make this time less painful, no words to take away your anger or to make you feel less alone. I do believe though that she will feel your presence with her and I hope that gives her comfort.
And although there are no words Louisj, I just wanted you to know that we are thinking of you, and I truly hope that in some way this account of tonight and the past few nights, has in some way helped.
Sending you and Mum, strength and love at this absolutely devastating time.
((Hugs))
Lowe'
Thank you. Entering night 4 now. It’s getting tougher to endure, but the staff are wonderful just this awful awful unreal situation 
My deepest condolences to you and your family, you have been so very strong throughout and I hope you are able to acknowledge just how amazingly you have coped over the past 8 days and 7 night.
I hope your husband and your pup can give you so much love and cuddles, as the night comes again, and that as you say, you start, all-be-it slowly to heal.
As Twinkle says things will be crazy busy, but we are here if you need to reach out
Thinking of you at this sad time
Lowe'
