Bad dreams

Hi Twinkle1984

I am sorry to read that you are struggling with these bad dreams, which seem to be quite frequent since losing Mum in November. You have mentioned that Mum's loss was the worst experience of your life, and although you don't tend to think about the struggles she experienced as she past, it was a horrific experience. I wonder whether the dreams regarding the hospital are linked to a subconscious belief that her passing may have been made easier if she had been in hospital? 

My husband wishes to be home should he reach end of life, and I am prepared for that, but I do worry, that I can offer less than our fantastic medical profession, and reading your message of Mum's passing has brought that to the forefront of my mind for a while, so I hope that you don't mind me trying to make sense of your dream for you.

I cannot begin to imagine how you have managed to cope with the loss of both of your parents, in such a short space of time, you are a clearly very strong person who knows when to reach out for support and I am sure you will know whether you will need further support as time goes by, but if you can recall any of your sessions with your counsellor, you may be able to use some of the techniques leant after losing your Dad, to give you some additional support now. Although you may feel that you lost so much of you when Mum passed, she also passed so much of her, on to you. I hope that in time you will be able to see that.

Here, if you would like to chat further

Sending you love and strength.

Lowe'

Thank you for replying. I’m the youngest of 4 my eldest Sister is a nurse and even she said she wasn’t expecting Mum to pass in the way she did else she would of tried to warn us and prepare us. I’m only 36 years old and wasn’t with my Dad when he passed away he had been in hospital for 10 days with pneumonia and I live in Yorkshire and my parents lived in Hertfordshire so I missed dads passing was on my way down so I blamed myself a lot for not being there etc which is why I struggled to cope with his death he’s been gone just over 3 hours by the time I reached the hospital thankfully all my family were still by his side and I got to see him.

we had hospice care for Mum too she went as a inpatient for 2 weeks for symptom management as she couldn’t stop being sick where the cancer was blocking her stomach. She wanted to come home so was kept on a syringe driver and we had nurses or hospice rapid response out daily to do her meds. They were amazing and we fundraise for them because they deserve the world for what they do and how they cared for our Mum.

I just keep thinking why my Mum she suffered so so much and was such an amazing lady who everyone that met her loved her she too was a nurse but cared for elderly people and loved her job she had toetire after cancer diagnosis sadly. She had only just turned 70in August and then we lost her November. When I had my counselling for Dads loss we did speak about Mum as she was terminal then but noing prepared me for the loss and upset I feel. Especially when I can’t see my family my Nan (Dad’s Mum) my last grandparent alive is 95 and has experienced so much loss and I really want to see her d give her the hugest hug because after loosing my Dad then my mum who she was so close to then we lost my Auntie last month too. So my Nan has lost 2 children and my Mum. I am scared I’m going to le my Nan too I haven’t seen her since last July

Hi Twinkle

Everything you are feeling is a deep and natural path of bereavement, there will never be any words which will change how extremely sad you are feeling or to remove how deep the loss goes. 

Some years ago, when my nan passed I was devastated that I wasn't with her, we had been told by the nursing home that she had a bad day, but had settled for the night and there was no need coming, she passed before morning. My Aunt passed about an hour before my Mum and I reached the hospital, I hear your pain. 

My Father-in-law was nursed at home, and was surrounded by his family and a work colleague as he passed, we rallied to be with him, and when he was ready he slipped away. My Step-Dad was kept on a machine until I reached the hospital, so my Mum had someone with her... the end is very different for all of us and there will never be any reasoning of the Why's, the only thing that is the same is that it will happen. What I hope for you is that you do get to see your Nan, and time allow the pain you feel on the loss of both Dad and Mum to ease, I don't know that it ever leaves us, and it can re-ignite quickly at times flooding back all those memories, and those will be the tougher times.

I am truly sorry for your loss and I hope that you can find a way to link all of your emotions in a way that you begin to find easier, for now remember, it's ok to feel the way you do sometimes, to grieve at the loss of the most wonderful people in your life and to fear the loss of the one link that holds those all together. 

Thinking of you.

Lowe

Thank you.

Another bad dream last night my partner said I was thrashing around the bed. I woke up and realised was another dream and she was gone. I can’t remember it fully but Mum still had her poorly eye in it. (She had cateract) and she struggled to open her eye fully and it bulged out a little. Her oncologist wasn’t sure if the cancer in her collar bone had spread and caused it to pull on the muscles too or something. 

Hi Twinkle1984

I am 23 years old and my twin brother passed away just before Christmas. He had an aggressive soft tissue cancer which quickly spread. It was all such a shock. He was in his dream job in the army jumping out planes on a daily basis! He was doing so well and then all of a sudden hes just not here anymore. 

I get alot of dreams. I have dreams of things that we did together and some dreams are good and some are bad. I remember a dream the other week of him popping in and telling me to sort my life out and get a grip and then driving away in his new car haha. Ive learned that dreams and thoughts are all part of the process. Embrace them!

I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish it was nice dreams but they are all of her being unwell and dying.

I think because she passed so horrifically in the end I think it’s now playing on my mind subconsciously?

I don’t know wether to speak to my sisters and brother about it but I don’t want them to worry. It’s just learning a whole new life without her.

Talking is always the way to go! See if they are experiencing a similar thing. 

My brother passed very peacefully in his sleep which we are very grateful for however the days leading up to it he was in an awful lot of pain and dosed up with morphine which just wiped him out. I have nightmares of when I saw his body just after he died and also the day before when I saw him and said “I’ll see you tomorrow mate”. It’s really tough. Learning to live without someone who was such a big part of my/your life is always going to be really hard. 

I am so sorry for your loss. I too am having dreams about my mum who died in November. I am trying to make sense of them but truly am not skilled enough for that! I do think for me, it is my unconscious thoughts trying to make sense. Maybe for you, your worry that your mum not going to hospital meant she might have been more comfortable is what is driving your dream experience. But it isn't fair to you. None of us have a crystal ball. Every decision we make is based on what we know at the time. You gave your mum her wish and it is important that you try to remind yourself of that. I have entered counselling to help me to process my thoughts and I am finding it helpful. Xx 

Yes thankfully I don’t have nightmares of her last moments as that really was horrific. And I still think I must ring Mum and tell her this. It is hard to keep living a life when you have lost such a main part of your life.x

Sorry for your loss too. Yes Mum was a Nurse and always knew what she wanted and I know she’d of been happier with us all at home than in hospital or a hospice. She did spend 2 weeks in a hospice for symptom management then came home. She had a syringe driver so we know she was comfortable if she had any pain we’d call the on call nurses or rapid response and they come out and give stat doses of meds to her. She didn’t want to be completely out of it though.

I lost my Dad 3 years ago and saw a councillor then and we touched on mum being terminal and how I’d cope when she’d die etc but nothing can prepare you I don’t think  

the councillor really helped me with my Dad and I feel I may need to see her again for my Mum. I still haven’t grieved.

here if you ever need a chat x