Grieving my mum in lockdown

Hi finny35. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum.  It does seem very cruel that your mum was robbed of a treatment plan to this evil covid. Lockdown grief is indeed awful.  Our grandfather passed away last summer, and we couldn’t go to his funeral due to limitation on numbers, and because I have been shielding for the past year, I still can’t believe he’s gone. I never got to say goodbye which is painful. 

I have also lost my mum. She was 64 and my best friend. I do know exactly how you feel, you think she will come through the door. In the early days, that was the only way I could cope. I would tell myself, she hadn’t left, she had just left the room. I still talk to her, it’s been 7 years, and even now I still have days when I cry. But it doesn’t hurt as much as the early days. You don’t get over it, you just adjust. 

Im glad you have a sister for support. You are grieving in the evenings, probably when the little ones are in bed. There is no time scale to grief. But you can’t block it out, it will only catch up with you if you try. If you don’t feel ready to go back to work yet, then don’t, speak to your GP about taking time out.  You looked after your mum, and now you need to look after yourself.

Take care 

Hi finny35. I’m so sorry you lost your mum.

I felt compelled to share my story because I also lost my Mum, last week. She was also 66 and I’m 34 and things happened over a similar period. I don’t have anything helpful to share other than our story and how I’m feeling - you aren’t alone.

My Mum first became ill last January. After a year of sort of diagnoses of a brain tumour, then false hope of treatment, we were told just 3 weeks ago there was nothing they could do. She came home 2 days later and had palliative care at home. Fortunately my brother who’s in the States got a rapid covid test and could get back in time.

It was a whirlwind from there with carers and nurses coming in at least 4 times a day while we tried to help her eat and drink and be comfortable. She died peacefully with us all there. It was absolute agony watching her stop eating, drinking and eventually breathing. 

I’m absolutely crushed and shocked and going through what sounds like very similar things.

I simply can’t believe she’s gone. She loved life and her family. She was planning so much with my Dad, who’s now on his own. I live locally with my partner but I hate the idea of Dad rattling around in our family home (which he’s lived in most of his life) without his best friend.

Me and Mum were so close. Before coronavirus used to spend Saturdays trawling charity shops or exploring places together. We’d go over for dinner and homemade cocktails every Sunday night and they’d usually come to us for a midweek dinner. We went on holidays together to her favourite place, Devon. It’s impossible that she won’t appear from upstairs any minute, saying “hello darling” and asking about my week. I look at photos and it’s unreal that that person no longer exists.

She was an amazingly talented creative person as well as the kindest, most caring, generous and thoughtful Mum. She painted, played violin and piano, sewed, knit, designed the house, did pottery, did pretty much any craft you can think of, gardened, and loved reading and music. I can’t believe all her knowledge and creativity and energy are gone. 

My heart aches at the thought that she’ll never get to see the world again. Even more that I’ll never be able to hug or kiss her again.

I get waves of panic that feel like cold sick washing over me when I remember that she’s not coming back, this is it, and my life is now forever clouded by this awful, terrible reality.

I used to have nightmares as a child about this and now those nightmares are my everyday. It feels like nothing will ever be as good again, because I’ll always know this hideous truth. The house is full of her stuff, her notes and ideas, and my house is full of the things she so thoughtfully gave me. It breaks my heart over and over and over again.  

I can’t imagine a future and honestly I don’t want a future without my wonderful, beautiful Mum in it. It feels pointless.

I didn’t have a great support network outside my immediate family before all this and covid has put paid to many friendships since. I don’t know how I’ll cope when the world “opens up” again - my Mum should be there for it and she won’t be.

No one can ever fill the enormous hole she’s left behind. I don’t know how I’ll ever find meaning and purpose again.

I so feel where you’re both coming from, these words are my way of trying to help myself through the fog of loss. I hope they may help you too xox

Beside You....

You’re our beginning
You are our end
You’re our Mutti
You’re our best friend

You’re every single breath
You’re every waking minute
We’ve always been beside you
Both in person and in spirit

You’re the world to us
Our every fibre, every being
You’ll forever be our Mother
Refereeing, overseeing

You’ve blessed us with your life
Our privilege now behind you
We have your loving memories
We’ll imagine them beside you.

Despite that you’re not here
We’ll always seek your guidance
Often ask you for your help
And somehow find compliance

We cannot be without you
Even though you’ve left
But we’ll start again beside you
We’ll try not to be bereft

You would say don’t cry too long
Don’t be forever grieving
Remember that life must go on
Even though I’m leaving

You’d tell us to continue
Tell us to be brave and strong
We’ll carry on beside you
Even though you’re gone.

We’ll try to find your strength
We’ll muster up your power
We’ll try to live our lives like you
And make the most of every hour

We’ll never really be apart
As we’ll know where to find you
Locked with love inside our hearts
We’ll forever stand beside you.

Thank you for taking the time to reply Kamelotte. Those are lovely words and very true.

It still feels very unreal, and I’m noticing “good” days where I can just about function normally without breaking down into gasping sobs every 5 minutes.

I seem to always feel horribly low mid - late afternoon so try and distract myself as much as possible around then.

Mornings I’m usually ok, so I try and tackle something particularly challenging then, like working on the order of service for the funeral, or sorting out some paperwork. 

How are you getting on finny35?

Hi Pinkegokane

I didn’t get a notification to my post so apologies for the delayed reply.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss and can completely relate to your post.

I’m six weeks on and every single day has been different. For me, after my mum’s funeral, the whole rawness of grief opened up; the process was only just beginning.  Some people find closure but for me, it felt like going back to square one. Between my mum’s death and funeral it felt like limbo with preparations and when I think back, I was very much in shock and denial. I’m sure my mind was in some kind of self protection mode so I didn’t completely crumble.

Three weeks on from my mum’s funeral, I felt like I’d gone backwards. The pain in my heart actually hurt; I’ve never known such pain and that feeling was utterly despairing wondering how I would ever move forward. That pain has since subsided but has moved to mental battle. My brain is on overdrive constantly but starting to be less disruptive on my sleep.  I guess, I’m moving through the process of grief but I only ever take one day at a time.  I literally only focus on the day I’m in and I don’t worry about tomorrow or how I might cope through the year. I don’t find it helpful and in reality, I have no control over it so I try not to over think.  Like you, I’ve wondered how I could possibly find joy in this world again and whilst I have no answer to that, I trust it will return, that the grey clouds will one day part and sun will shine once again.  I’m only starting to think through this now because I have a life which is worth living, exploring, discovering. A life is a blessing.  Our mum’s gave us life through carrying us, birthing us, nurturing, developing, teaching and raising us to the people we are today.  That’s got to mean something; something that mustn’t be wasted.

Something I have been aware of is wanting to face grief.  I’ve wanted to wrestle, grapple, question, be angry, cry, struggle through it all and not hide from it or bury it away.  I’ve found myself journaling my thoughts, reading books on grief, reaching out to friends who might relate.  I don’t know anyone who has lost their mum but I know two friends who have lost their dad so I’ve found their experience helpful.  Whilst I initially thought this is a parent grief, I’ve come to understand a mother loss is different from a father loss.  My parents are equally loved but provide different roles.  My mum was nurturing, forever providing help, asking if there was anything she could do; organising and planning; she really was a selfless person with a wonderfully giving heart.  It’s that person I am going to miss; the mum who remembers birthdays and Christmases, delicious Sunday roasts, popping in for a tea, buying me flowers, just because, shopping trips, afternoon teas, my dad doesn’t do this and that nurturing, even though I’m an adult, a mother, wife, I still needed that and that is the huge loss I feel.

I’ve processed a huge amount and will continue to until I’m guessing, through the other side. The waves of grief were constant like every hour but over the past weeks those waves are slowly stretching out so I’m not consumed by my grief.  I still look at photos and simply cannot believe my mum is not here and like you, when all this lockdown lifts, my life continues but my mum didn’t make it.

Something I tell myself is grief needs time to heal so I don’t put pressure on myself and roll with whatever mood I’m in for that day.  I know my beloved mum is not with me and those thoughts are with me daily. At the start I very much wanted answers to what I might expect with dealing with the loss of my mum but my grief has taught me it is an individual journey.  Do not be frightened or afraid of processing grief.  This is a major and traumatic bereavement and it requires the time, patience and honesty to face the grief head on which will lead to (although I’m not there yet) the path of recovery and healing.  I hope this is the same for you and anyone else reading this post.

How are you coping?

Hi Finny35, thanks so much for replying and sharing so openly.

Everything you said rings so true. There really is no loss like the loss of your Mum. I can’t believe we won’t chat about anything over a cup of tea or cocktail ever again. Or do any of the many things we did together. 

I’ve been mostly ok for the past few days, despite it being a tough week (it would have been my Mum’s 67th birthday on Tuesday, and Mother’s Day today). I cry every day. Sometimes it feels like I’m just crying because I’m so exhausted. Sometimes the realisation washes over me with such force I can’t breathe and I panic. 

I’ve been taking funeral preparations slowly to make sure we get it as right as possible in the circumstances. It doesn’t feel real at all. I had a big wobble earlier in the week at the thought of her being cremated and her not existing physically in the world. But we’ve made plans to scatter and bury her ashes in her favourite places, as well as planting a tree. And her genes still exist through me and my brother and his daughter. I’m not a spiritual person but it does feel like her energy is still around. I still can’t believe I’m even saying these things about my Mum.

I’m spending a lot of time at my parents’ house with my Dad and brother. We’ve been able to enjoy ourselves a bit. I’m dreading my brother going back to the States after the funeral. I think there’ll be another massive wave of realisation then.

Friends and extended family have been really kind and helpful, which has made a difference. Lots have been in touch today to say they’re thinking of us.

Reading back through all this makes it seem like I’m coping, but I think I’m spending a lot of time unconsciously pretending this isn’t happening. It’s still a low hum through my consciousness, something I’m aware of what feels like every millisecond of the day. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up, and haunts my nightmares. 

Sometimes it feels like just a fact about my life, other times it’s the most awful thing I could ever imagine. I’m also not shying away from feeling whatever I feel, but it does sometimes feel like an abstracted version of grief. Only when it really hurts does it feel like “proper” grief, if that makes sense. 

I’ve started writing to Mum in the late afternoons when I feel the worst. I’ve found it really helps - it’s like she’s still here. So too talking out loud to her. It does really feel like the hardest times are still to come, and I’m dreading it. All the birthdays and Christmasses and just everyday occasions. When things open up again, and she’s not there. Impossible.

I’m also dreading going through her things. Thankfully I don’t think we need to do that yet, but it’s going to be a massive job. She had amazing style and taste and invested in some lovely things. I dread someone else messing around with them. 

I hope things keep getting easier for you. If you feel able please do keep in touch - it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this at my age.

Hi again, I would very much like to stay in touch, even if it is to spill everything out to an ear who understands.

I found my grief broke me down and bound me in unimaginable emotion, pain and thought.  It was suffocating and I found this forum a release and place to find answers.  Just reading other posts made me think this is all "normal".  I'm not crippled by the all-consuming grief anymore but I know I'm not through it yet either.  Grief is an individual journey. There is no set process. You are not alone when so many, including myself, can absolutely relate to your pain. I warmly encourage you to take one day at a time; quite literally, do not think about tomorrow or next week; just face the day in hand so you don't become overwhelmed.

I also find writing helpful so if that works for you with writing to your dear mum, do it; only you will know what will help as a comfort and release.  I often find myself lost in thought, think of something profound and quickly write it down so I don't forget.  I'll read these messages back to myself and be like yep, that's exactly it! 

My older brother flew back from Sweden to be with us for 5 weeks and I completely understand the dread you feel of your brother going back to the States.  For me, that felt like the real big test of life resuming.  Everything has moved super slow since mum's passing but when my brother went back I missed him greatly but soon slotted back into the normality of speaking FaceTime.   

I'm sure we'll be in this grief bubble for sometime but like you, I felt incredibly isolated not knowing a single soul especially of my age but then I've found you to share these commonalities with so thank you for being an ear to listen and I will support as best I can through your own grief.

PS.  My name is actually Holly :-)

Hello Finny,

I feel like I am in a boat in the same direction as you. My Dad died last August, he had stage 4 bowel cancer for 3 years and losing him has quite quietly turned my life upside down. Everything on the outside is as it was before, but my emotions are shot. 

I spent the first few months knowing he was gone, but at the same time expecting him to call or text, or turn up at my door asking for some garden tools. It was almost like muscle memory. It felt really hard to concentrate and be myself. 3-5 months through and I had gotten through that but as I started to open up from a kind of protective bubble I had built, things have started to get more difficult with emotions. So as I start to listen to music, or stop avoiding things that will trigger me, I have become more emotional and am crying a lot. A song from toy story 2 had me crying yesterday because its about loss, it had no connection to my dad in any way.

I have felt anger too, as I see my 2 year old son building a great relationship with his grandad, I wish my dad could have gotten that opportunity. 

I dont even know how covid has effected my grieving, I just miss him so much.

At the moment I am just trying to hold things together for my mum, wife and son. I think my mum might be getting tired of my daily calls, but I kind of wish I had done that before when Dad was around.

It is a bit of a rollercoaster. Dad was 68 and was very much with it until the end. That might have made it more difficult, as his mind was sharp and intelligent and he was failed by his body. But at the same time, he saw his age as a achievement, having lost his Dad at 33 (he was no more than 8) and his Mum in her late 50s. 

Enough from me at the moment but I will keep a look out for your chat and your words have enougaed me to think of speak a little more. Even writing this has helped.

Best,

Neil

Hi Holly (I’m Alex by the way!),

Thanks so much for your kind words and advice. It’s a massive comfort as you say to know others are going through the same thing, and willing to listen as you let it all spill out. It means a lot - thank you for taking the time to reply and so thoughtfully.

Mum’s funeral is now so close - this Friday. The service has come together quite well and we’re happy with it despite the industry and covid conspiring to make it as brisk and generic an affair as possible. We’ve talked about having a proper celebration of Mum in the summer or when we can invite people over to allow everyone to say goodbye and properly remember the wonderful multifaceted person she was.

I’m trying to take each day as it comes and not think too far ahead. There are some things coming up which make this harder - possibly going back to work next week, brother heading back and maybe having to move house in a couple of months (we got served notice on our house before Christmas). So lots of future based things on my mind, and of course planning the funeral. Have you gone back to work yet? How is it going if so?

One thing that no doubt will change is my relationship with my Dad. We’re a very close family but compared to my relationship with Mum (we were scarily similar) Dad feels like a stranger sometimes.

Going back to something you said in your earlier post - it is definitely different I think losing your Mum. Like your Mum, mine was often the glue, doing the unseen things behind the scenes that just tie everything together and make things extra special. She also had such an eye for design and style and Dad is much less bothered about that kind of stuff.

I don’t want him to be lonely in our old family home and fortunately we live just round the corner (at the moment) so no doubt will be spending a lot of time here. We’ve also got a joint passion (mine fairly recently developed through lockdown) for gardening which I’m looking forward to sharing with him. How have you found your relationship with your Dad since?

Thanks again for sharing and reading and supporting :)

Hi Neil

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. A common theme I have picked up through these chats is how our mum/dad has died at such a premature age and we find ourselves navigating the rest of our lives without them and seeking support. where this forum has been a tremendous help so I do hope it'll provide an outlet for you too. My own mum only survived both her parents by 20 months before she was taken so she can't even give me any advice and my dad, well, he'll tell me widowed grief is different despite losing his mum at 14 so I guess we have to find help and support through those who are as closely aligned to our thoughts and process now.  My grandparents died within 3 days of each other and whilst I remember that grief, it is nothing compared to how I've been processing these last, almost 8 weeks, however, I can now recognise I'm not in that all-consuming pit of grief and I find myself processing my thoughts in a different way.

I can only talk from my perspective on grief and I honestly believe everyone will process their grief differently but what I've come to realise when I went searching for answers is that quest is pointless.  No one can tell you how to grieve, for how long and by day 100 your grief will end and you can continue merrily through life; it's just not that clear cut.  What I do think is grief is necessary, grief needs times in order to heal but time is not a healer, time is endless.  My thinking lately is that whilst grief is needed to acknowledge all the emotions and pain that comes with it, grief is not something to bind us up in permanent unhappiness.  I was in such a pit of grief a number of weeks back and whilst I could not get out as I actually wanted to be there, I also realised this place is not happy and I don't like it.  I could only start climbing out that pit when I was ready to and that's where I learnt the phrase "grief needs time to heal".  I absolutely faced it head-on, battled through all the emotions until bit by bit the knots of grief started to loosen. I effectively put my life on pause; I couldn't even be a mother to my 2 and 5-year-old and promptly sent them to the in-laws for 3 weeks.  I don't think it's wrong to be selfish in your time of grief; we're only human and not superhuman parents; we need to look after ourselves too.  I was ready to have them back but I wasn't ready to function so the process of starting life again was very slow and steady.  I found myself stuck at one point where I couldn't even leave the house.  I was really finding life a struggle but after some gentle encouragement from my brother and friend, I did a 20-minute walk.  I thought through those feelings of why am I finding this hard, what is stopping me from a basic walk and I knew immediately.  By doing this walk meant I was making that first step to moving on and moving on scared me.  I wanted to stay stuck in my grief as that brought me closer to my mum, my reason for grieving was my mum so starting life, however, basic was just so scary.  On the flip of that thought, I knew it wasn't healthy.  Grief surely isn't something that paralyses you for life, unable to find happiness.  This is where I'm at now.  The clouds of grief are lifting but I know this is just my unique journey and everyone will be different but I do encourage you to really face your grief if you've been hiding it under the carpet; let it all out; don't be afraid, don't be embarrassed.  The grief I'm sure can hit people at any time; no two people will experience the same journey.  They'll be commonalities for sure, grief is sad, painful, angry, shocking, ugly everything we want to protect ourselves and others from; but I do believe you have to face it head-on, wrestle, grapple, fight your way through to come through the other side. 

Ultimately, the decision on where you take your grief is in your hands.  You can let grief consume you or you can try to help yourself through that journey.  I've personally found this forum helpful, writing all my thoughts out and reading books.  I don't really talk much; not even my husband but that's mainly because I don't think anyone can understand my grief when they've not experienced it themselves.  They cannot help me, no one has lost their mum young and so the journey is isolating especially in lockdown.  

I understand your thoughts where you think your dad is going to pop over or ask for something and I think lockdown has distorted those thoughts because our brains tell us we are not meant to be seeing anyone but now the pathway to lockdown is easing, our mum/dad is not there.  That's a terrible sadness and reality.  I'm in no doubt the entire year will be full of triggers at missing our mum/dad but if you feel like you haven't dealt with the grief of losing your dad, I would warmly encourage you to explore this to help you forward.

Best,

Holly