Hi everyone,
I’m not sure if this is going to sound unbelievably selfish but here it goes....
I lost my dad last year to bowel cancer. Very quick illness from start to finish and it’s absolutely shattered my life.
last week my partners mum was diagnosed with cancer. I’m absolutely devastated for them but part of me is also worrying about myself. Dragging everything up that I’ve recently gone through and thought I was doing really well with until now. His family keep asking me questions such as “how did they do it with your dad” “was it this way with your dad” we’re coming onto 4 months since I lost Dad and I feel like it’s all way to raw.
I vow to be as strong as I can for them, I don’t cry in front of him when it’s all getting to much, I’m helping the family understand what the drs are saying and me and my partner are creating lists and stuff to help make life easier in the event of the worst case. I’m a very practical person.
Reading this back I can see how selfish I sound, but I guess I’m just asking if anyone has an advise of how I can be strong for them. How I can put my grief for my dad back for the time being. Just so as I can be there for them at the start of their journey. A journey my family were at the start of 8 months ago.
thank you 
Hi Amybear
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of yourt dad. You can take some comfort from knowing that he did not suffer too long and is now peaceful.
The first thing is for you not to put your grieving on hold. This is because it will hit much harder if you do and be harder to recover from. Also, if the worst happens with your partners mum, you will have more grief to deal with and could put you and your relationship under a great deal of strain.
You can sign post your partners family to be.macmillan which has masses of information in many different forms for understanding their type of cancer, its treatment and finances. This all comes in many different formats which can be posted out or downloaded and are completely free. There are also many groups within the community for different cancers and treatments so they may want to look at these to see what others in the same situation are feeling. There are also books and community sites for carers of those with cancer.
The emotions you are going through are perfectly normal and are certainly not selfish. Your dad will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best he can. Talk to him when ever you want, especially if you visit one of his favourite places, and wait for him to give you a sign. This may take a few days or be straight away - a white feather found where it shouldn't be, radios and t.v. re tuning to favourite programmes, a breath of wind on your face on a completely calm day. You need to open yourself to any sign he can give to show he is listening and doing his best to care for you. Ask him to guide and support you through this difficult time and he will help you make the right decisions. If you need time alone then take this time - your partners family will understand that you do have your own grieving to deal with. Start a memory book about your dad including stories (happy and sad) of your childhood, stories your dad told you of his childhood, stories from raltives and your dads friends and lots of photos. This will help keep memories alive but also is a great to express your emotions and relieve some of the pain. The pain never goes but we all learn who to recognise triggers and how to deal with them so that emotions are easier to deal with over time. As this time moves along you will be more able to give physical and emotional support to your partner and his family but you must take care of yourself first to be of any help.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
