I am a 42 year old full time father of 5. Me and my late wife met for the first time back in 1995 when we were both 18. I was at my best mates house with him and his girlfriend. My mate's girlfriend had one of her friends round with her 2 children and we got chatting. She was already in a relationship so i had no real interest in her in that way even though i was single. It was during the winter months, that we met, because it got dark early and she was getting ready to leave my friend's house, so i took it upon myself to walk her and her kids back to her flat which was about 10 minutes walk away, which she appreciated being on her own with 2 little ones, walking home in the dark. This happened 2 or 3 times before she just started inviting me round for cups of tea and chats. Not long after we sort of drifted apart from one another. I started going clubbing and enjoying myself with my mates and lost contact with her for years. 14th february 2009 - and i was feeling abit down in the dumps so decided to pop to town and meet up with a mate as it was valentines day, i was single blah blah blah, just fancied a few beers tbh. I went upto the bar and stood next to this tall fella, waiting to be served and i just glanced to my left and noticed 2 pairs of hands on the bar. So being curious, i looked round the tall man and i was surprised to see my lady friend from years ago. We spent all day and night together talking, drinking. From then on we were unseparable. Fast forward to the birth of our 5th child. My wife was ordered to go into hospital at 37 weeks because our babie's health was starting to deteriorate. She was induced and eventually after 9 hours gave birth to our little babygirl. We were absolutley over the moon. 3 days after birth my wife started complaining about a pain in her chest and put it down to her breasts drying up. My wife complained about this pain for 2 days after, so i told her to go to the doctors, which she did. The doctor gave her antibiotics for a week's course to treat a chest infection. She took the tablets for the whole week but the antibiotics hadn't got rid of the pain and i was due to go back to work off paternity leave. I went to work on monday and when i got home, my wife was leaning against the back door frame, she couldn't move. My wife struggled all day with 5 kids at home and managed to phone the doctors while i was at work. They told her that because of the severity of the pain, she should go to a & e because she might have a pulminary embolism. She would need an ecg and a chest xray. We got the results back and the chest xray revealed a mass on her left lung which turned out to be stage 4 metastatic lung cancer. My wifes oncologist basically told us she had a year left if it was treated and maybe 6 months without. After a pet scan and mri scan, she was given weeks maybe only days left. Within 7 weeks, the cancer had spread through her entire body, even through her bones. During that time, i saw my beautiful wife go downhill so fast, i had no time to comprehend any of it. I was so busy with looking after my kids and running back and forth from hospital and just being totally upto my eyeballs in lots of stuff to sort out, that i just coud not keep track of what was really going on. My wife died peacefully on october 13th 2020. Watching her take her last breath destroyed me in one blow. 3 months on and to me the pain is unbearable. Everything just keeps coming back and hitting me hard. I think about her constantly even to the point i think she might actually still be around me but i know she isn't. I look at our kids and our newborn and burst into tears knowing that they deserve their mum to be around them growing up because our kids haven't done anything wrong, they have always been very happy and well behaved, shown alot of love from me and my wife. The one that gets me is our youngest. Everytime i think about her growing up, it dawns on me she isn't going to know a thing about her mummy really. I lost my father when i was 18 months old and i can't remember a single thing about him. Being told about how he lived and breathed his life wasn't obviously the same has bonding with him and loving him like a son and dad's relationship should be like. It was like, growing up with something that should be there and wasn't - left me with the thought, that i had missed out on so much that other children hadn't. That used to bother me for much of my childhood and i don't want my babygirl to feel that way either because her sibling's all knew their mother. Everyday now, really, just seems like one day drifts into another. I made a promise to my wife before she died that i will do the very best for our children no matter what. They always come 1st before anything. I love them with all my heart and soul and i would never see them without. Once they have gone to bed though....that's when reality kicks in again and the realisation that my wife is so sorely missed just kicks me where it hurts. I love her so much and i never really got to tell her that one last time. Breaks my heart. Cancer is horrible full stop.
