Hi there
I hope it is ok to post in here. My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in July 2018. Mum had always been a bit of a worrier with her health having lost both her parents when they were young, and both to cancer. She and dad kept the severity of her prognosis under wraps - at times it was like pulling teeth trying to understand what was happening as they were quite vague with details. Mum would have frequent panic attacks, would talk about her fears, and on a couple of occasions i saw first hand how she just melted down when doctors would call her to speak to her. Mum, mentally, did not cope well at all. Mums cancer journey was a rollercoaster, all was going well, then a blip, then more treatment, it went well, then a blip etc. Dad was very matter of fact, curt, but rarely gave us any detail as to what the doctors said etc.- he is not unfeeling, he just lived with mum going through this everyday including the sleepless nights, panic attacks and constant fear, so I imagine there was an element of protecting us, assuming we knew the situation, and being exhausted. I only found out early 2019 that mum had defeated her previous prognosis but things were still quite bad. It was just so hard to believe, she looked frail, but was normal, she was mum. Our conversations would often turn to her saying she was scared, but there was a new trial coming up and that may help etc. .I think i tried to play down how frightened she was (as i said, she had always been a worrier). Last month she went in for a CAT scan before starting the new trial. There were complications and unforeseen physical conditions that she had developed and she died very unexpectedly. We were so lucky to be able to hold her whilst she passed away (in full PPE gear which just gave it that extra "this isn't really happening" feel to it all).
As soon as she died, dad went into full practical mode (sorting her pension, insurance etc.) but he didnt feel he could make her funeral arrangements, so I did all of that.....which up until last week (when the funeral was) had taken up a lot of my time. Making the arrangements helped flood me with photos of mum, memories, videos of her and going through our messages to each other. It was comforting initially. I have waves of tears (from a few when I talk about her, to full on dirty crying as I call it - the proper heaving, snot filled sessions that leave you exhausted). I am not sure where i am with the grief though. I am like my father in that i am hugely practical (i wanted to go back to work this week but my boss said to take the time - i feel a bit lazy and guilty about it to be honest) but i dont know if this is because I am still numb about it and in disbelief, or if I am genuinely ok. Physically, I am not sleeping well at all, my tummy is in knots a lot of the time, there's a constant low ebb of sadness, I have a very short temper and i feel exhausted - but I think we are all feeling the strain of the last year, lockdowns, juggling family/work/home etc.
I keep thinking about mums fears and how scared she was, and it has brought up a lot of my own worries about death, what if I lost my 2 year old daughter, what if i die etc. and although it terrifies me, it shatters my heart that my mum knew she didn't have long with us and she was utterly terrified. The spiral of thoughts go on and grow from there. I miss her so much and although i see dad most days (we are bubbled) i feel so guilty and have a constant heavy heart for him. I guess I am reaching out because, I don't know if I am ok. My boss and my husband made me angry for basically telling me not to work (even though i thought i felt ready to) so do they see/know something I don't with where I am or what I should be feeling? It really has made me question where I am with my grief. Are these thoughts and worries normal? I know everyone's grief is different and there is no right or wrong way, and I guess this confusion and feeling a bit lost in emotion and thought is part of my own journey, but it does feel quite lonely.
xxxx
Thank you and I’m glad I was able to help you in some way.
I really wish I was so strong I try but sometimes it’s too much being so strong all the time 
but counselling helped me to learn that we don’t have to be strong all the time it’s ok to cry and reminisce.
It’s good to keep busy but always allow time by yourself if you feel it’s what you need. As I find when I’m alone that’s when I will cry and talk to Mum more. And I think it’s good to do this as part of my grieving process although I still don’t feel I have grieved.
having a toddler I’m sure will definitely keep you busy!! I am a Nursery Nurse and work with children so although I’m not a parent I can appreciate the business and craziness of children!! always around if you want to chat. Coming here and talking to people who have had similar situations is easier to talk to people as we’ve been on a similar journey in our own ways.x
