Hi everyone.
Why is this so hard to write. Maybe its the lack of acceptance, who knows? Here goes.. My name is Nat and I’m 36, I lost my mum 2 weeks ago. We had her funeral last Friday and up until yesterday I was numb and hadn’t cried. Now I can’t stop. I’m told that this is a good thing, doesn’t feel it at the minute. I cared for my mum for the past year right up until the end. It wasn’t pretty and as she was only 56 it was very long and drawn out, all her dignity went and it got to the point of me feeding her and doing most of her personal care as she was bed bound for the last 8 weeks.
As I’m the eldest (I have 2 sisters who are 26 and 28 years old) I took full control of her funeral and protected them as best I could. We have all started to grieve in different ways. One shutting down and the other keeping herself busy. Me? I feel completely lost.
Mum lived with me for the first 6 months due to lockdown and when her care become too much I found her an apartment with carers (who were shocking) I spent every day at hers (working during the day mixed in with caring for her) and more than half the week overnight. I have 2 children (10 and 13) so as you can imagine it was a juggling act which I’m not sure I pulled off successfully, I gave mum much more time than I gave my children.
Now that she’s gone, I feel lost. I don’t feel like my home is a home anymore due to spending more time at hers than here. It feels claustrophobic. All this free time is unsettling and my purpose gone. How bad does that sound? I’m a mum and have a partner! But she consumed my life and everything in it centred around her.
I cut myself off from everyone due to Covid and the fact I had no spare time. How do I begin to kickstart my old life? I can’t remember what it was like. All my friends and family have their parents. Something I resent which I know is completely unreasonable but I feel no one can relate to what I’m feeling.
I’ve not spoken to anyone regarding what I did for mum, or have seen, as it’s horrific even to me. I can’t un-see the images of her and have lost the memories of her being healthy and even walking. I’ve been told they will come back in time but how sad is that?
Im waffling on now, if you got to the end of this then Thank You and Well Done! .Maybe I just needed to write down how I feel? Who knows. Please tell me someone else feels this way?!
Thanks
Nat.
Hi Nat
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum.
Feeling lost is a perfectly normal reaction when grieving and as you mention about your sisters we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace. You can take great comfort from everything you did for your mum especially knowing that this would make her feel much more relaxed and at peace. You took on a huge amount during this time and it is natural your time is now not as fulfilled. What you did for your mum I'm sure your family, especially your two children, understood why you were doing it and that you were not deliberately neglecting them. Your true friends will know and understand why you have not being keeping in contact as much as normal.
Talk to your mum as much as you need to especially if you visit one of her favourite places - go there alone though. When you talk to her, open yourself to any response such as a breath of wind on a still day, a white feather floating nearby without any birds near. Your mum will always be around you and will always try to guide and support you as best she can. Ask her to help you through this difficult time and to help ease your pain. Ask her to help you with the Christmas dinner and guide to do some of the things her way - you will be surprised what response(s) you will get if you open yourself to these and be patient as they may take a few days and be in a very subtle way. Depending on current movement restrictions, Christmas and your family, why not have yourself a couple of days away where you can just relax and recuperate some of your strength. Ask your mum to give you the strength and support to help you to get back to normal gradually. Or maybe ask on of your sisters to have the children while you and your partner have a few days away.
Start a memory book about your mum. Include stories from your childhood, stories from your mums childhood, photos, stories from relatives and stories from some of your mums friends. This is a great way to express your emotions and will be great for your children when they grow up. You have to support them through their grieving journey but without putting your own grieving on hold.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
