Hi, (sorry bit of a long one)
I haven't been on here for so long. But in the past I found so much support and comfort and I'm really struggling, so here goes.
In July 2018 beautiful mum died, after a tough 8 weeks in hospital. It shook me to the CORE. My life turned upside down.
Even thou I was 38. I felt lost in the world. I alone. Surrounded by list of people.
Corney as it sounds, Mum was my best friend, my biggest support.
Since her death, I have worked really hard to build a life, she would be really proud of.
I really struggle, she told us in her finally days to have fun and look after each other. Which has kept me going, I've dug deep as I know she want me to be living life to the full.
And I believe I have built coping, mechanisms.-
Being close with my family -
My Dad - we have always got ln, but we have got closer and I know my mum would love this. We spend lots of time together.
My sister and her family (hubby and children) my nephew has been seriously, ill so I have been supporting in any way I can. Again I love there company.
And my hubby, I adore, I think we become closer and he takes the best care of me.
My amazing friends and colleagues
Also my job -
I have a job I love and I have worked hard for.
This is my coping mechanism. To keep busy, surrounded my self with the people my mum loved. Live life to the full.
I turn 40 in January and had high hopes for this year.
I was privileged to have a stable life and always felt secure.This changed when mum died I felt lost for a long time
And thou I still missed my mum every day. That stability slowly but surely returned.
Then covid hit. As for many its turned everything, upside down. I am CEV and had to shield (work from home) . In the first wave, it wasn't so bad. Maybe it felt like a novelty. But this wave has been hideous.
I feel like I'm back to the beginning. The pain is so really. I literally am blocking memories of my mum as its too painful. I constantly cry and the loneliness is so really. I get angry with my self - I think " what's wrong with you your 40 pull your self together"
I feel I can't share this with anyone as everyone is having a tough time. But I can't believe this grief has come out of know where, and knocked me side ways.
I know I have to ride the wave and I will come out the other side. Its just so hard.
, grief hits us at the most unexpected times sometimes, I believe we think we have it all under control then - wham! This year has been a very difficult year for so many and myself included but i try so hard to carryon with out letting it get out if control then I realise maybe i am actually doing the wrong thing, maybe i need that release. 40 in January Happy Birthday for then. I totally understand that covid would have an effect especially as your having to sheild due to ill health and trying to get some people to understand that is so very hard indeed. I often get a guilt trip from a friend because i am doing my bit and in many ways shutting myself off from the world, i have no trust in people every time i have gone out i have ended up despairing at the behaviour of some. Covid has not only brought out the good in some its also brought out the worst in others. The selfishness of some that don’t understand that there is many out there who would love to get back to some normalcy but its not so easy when you have to protect yourself from covid, i think it also brings the fear of death forward too and the loss in our hearts. This year I don’t know how I have managed to keep it together if i am honest, i have lost 3 friends to covid and 5 to cancer and a number of them were very close friends and each one got to me, I felt all kinds of emotions I felt robbed not just that they were taken but I couldn’t say good bye, no closer and i am trying to deal with that, so to me if I know i am struggling I totally understand that others too will struggle. I know you and your Mum were best friends and thats a lovely relationship to share, i hope your sisters family are getting better.
Sending you a big bear hug, remember your not alone.
_GBear Xxxx
What is a Community Champion? Womb cancer forum
Call the helpline for free on 08088080000, 8am to 8pm everyday.
“let hope be your lighthouse beckoning you though stormy seas" - Jessica de la Davies
