I lost my mum on Wednesday to neuroendocrine cancer. My mum became very ill during lockdown and could not get any help from the GP, A&E or anywhere. She finally got an MRI scan at the end of July, admitted to hospital on 5th August, told she had cancer on 6th August. This was her 50th birthday. She died just 4 weeks later.
I just don’t know what to do, I’m 30, I’m an only child and don’t know my dad. My grandparents and her partner hate each other. Every day brings new stress and arguments which I just can’t cope with. Everyone’s directing anger at me because I’m the go between/messenger. I keep saying things out of anger because everyone’s being so selfish and petty, which I know is really unhelpful. I’m also the executer on my mums Will and I just want it all to go away.
i’m so angry, anxious, depressed, hollow and scared. All at once and then one at a time on a loop.
i know it’s not been long and I need to give it time. But it’s so hard to even care about feeling better when everything just seems so pointless and unfair. All I can see is the bad in the world. Cancer is everywhere I turn. And I cant get any peace to process my feelings anyway. I have some great friends but I can’t face seeing anyone or talking on the phone. I message people and it helps slightly but only momentarily. My partner is supportive but upset and struggling to process what happened also.
i went to my GP for sleeping pills but they just tried to put me on citalopram. I am not willing to risk the side affects which are so commonly associated with SSRIs at a time when I already feel like I’m hanging by a thread.
I was allowed only a few visits while mum was in hospital due to covid. However, I was called to the hospital on Wednesday morning along with her partner and my grandparents as she had deteriorated significantly over night. For 11 hours, I watched my mum die. She only said a few words when I arrived and then was in an unconscious state and struggling to breathe for the remainder. I’m eternally grateful I was there with her and hope she knew. But I will never forget the sight of her breathing her last breath or the feeling when I knew she was gone forever.
I just needed to write this down 
