Why cant I grieve

Hi Sammyloo

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.

You can take great comfort from knowing that you did so much for her during those last two years.  This would also give her great comfort knowing how much you all loved her.  Your mum will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best she can.  Talking to her is good as this helps to express your emotions.  You could also try visiting one of her favourite places on your own, talk to her and quietly wait for a response which could anything such as a little breath of wind on a still day.  Along with family and some of your mums friends start a memory book full of stories including ones she told about her childhood and include lots of photos.

What you are going through is perfectly normal - we all grieve differently and at our own pace.  You have been concentrating on your dad and sister and you need to start thinking of yourself.  Maybe have a short holiday (even just a weekend) away somewhere quiet where you can gather all your thoughts and just let all your emotions out.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve or time to do it.  Your own mind will know what is best for you and will control what you feel and when.  Some people do not show their true feelings and the grieving can be done inside with no outward signs.  When talking to your mum ask her to offer you some support and help you to grieve.  You could also try talking to a very best friend who will understand and offer support rather than a family member.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Thank so very much Daveybo it is comforting to know theres no right or wrong way. I do believe she is with me there have been so many signs and I talk to her more and more so she knows I'm thinking of her and she always responds a balloon fell randomly out the sky the other night into a field outside my home when I picked it up it was the letter S I swear that was mam letting me know shes there to guide me through this. 

Your words have taken me to a more positive place today and for that I give you my heartfelt thanks 

Sincerely sammyloo

Your more than welcome Sammyloo.  Remember you can call the help line whenever you need it or post here and someone will always respond. 

The balloon was a sign your mum is near and keeping a close eye on you - there are many different little signs you just have to watch out for them.

Best wishes and sending you another hug.

Hi, i hope things are easier for you now? My dad passed away 2 weeks ago, and we did everything for him along with my mum, he had lung cancer and he went downhill weight wise wasnt eating drinking, things could of gotten a lot worse, as id helped care for my aunt also lung cancer, but they didn't, he just stopped breathing in his sleep, i was at work at the time and I feel robbed of being there, my dad was my world but i cant cry or get upset and its scaring the life out of me. Ive just thrown myself into looking after my mum. I think I'm cold hearted or mad, i don't understajd what's going on??? 

Hi Just read your post and I can identify with this very well. My husband passed last June 2023 after an almost two year fight with bowel cancer. I am now only weeks away from the first anniversary of his passing. Like yourself I feel I haven't been able to grieve properly. when he was going through his treatment I thought I would never stop crying and when he finally passed I found I couldn't cry for him at all which I feel is not normal as this is part of the grieving process. I have had counselling etc and have been told that this is normal and that different people deal with their grief in different ways and sometimes this happens. I feel if I could get one big outburst of crying I would feel better that it has eventually come out but it doesn't happen. I think with my older sister getting a bowel cancer diagnosis just two months after my husband's passing added to this but she is still here and her cancer wasn't as extensive as my husband's and she is making  good recovery. My son also recently lost his future mother in law to cancer just last month so this has been a bit triggering for me again. I wish you well moving forward and just to say what you are feeling you are not alone with and others do and can feel like this also. Take Care and Best Wishes.

Vicky x

Thank you Vicky, i feel like im on auto pilot to be honest, im even questioning whether or not i loved my dad but i know i did, we went through it all together, his diagnosis, his appointments his treatments, i told him i loved him every single day and him me, i hope i can let my guard down and grieve properly, the funeral is not until the 6th june so that in itsepf has put additional stress on losing him, thank you so much for your reply, im glad im not alone and this is normal how im feeling, i get some peace of mind he slipped away in his sleep, maybe that helps? I wish you all the best for the future, ty again for replying xx

You're very welcome SamK. Just keep coming on here when you feel you need to. There will always be someone who can relate to what you are going through and be able to offer advice. Take Care. 

Vicky xx