Hi to anyone reading.
I don’t know what I’m posting for but I feel the need to get my story out because I feel so lost right now.
I lost my dad in Jan 2017 to a 2 year battle with bladder cancer. At the time of his passing I was a mum of 3 children (6/3 and a newborn) and only 28 years old myself. The day after his funeral my 35 year old brother was diagnosed with melanoma and he passed 4 months later in May. I still wonder how I got through those times.
Cut to 2020 and my mum was diagnosed in June with lung cancer that had spread to her liver, 6 weeks from diagnosis she passed away. I nursed her full time for those 6 weeks and I was the one to find her dead in bed. I can’t get that image out my head.
Im only 32, I feel so lost. Losing one parent was hard enough but losing both of them is so so different. I just don’t know how to cope. I’m angry all of the time, my mood is so low. I don’t like anybody. I feel guilty for feeling miserable when my children and husband need me. My husband doesn’t know what to say or do. He never asks if I’m ok. I struggle to talk to people about my feelings. He hasn’t suffered a bereavement so I understand that he doesn’t know what to do. But at the same time, it makes me angry that he doesn’t know I’m not ok.
my health anxiety is so bad, it was bad after my dad and brother but now my mum has had cancer too I just can’t cope without the thought that I’m next. We have gone from a family of 5 to 2.
That’s my story. Any tips would be helpful and appreciated.
Thanks, Kristina x
Hi Kristina
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad, brother and mum.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal and is part of the grieving process. We all grieve at our own pace and in our own way. Have you tried to have a talk with your husband (when the children aren't around) to tell him how you really feel and how much support you need. Do you have another family member or close friend you can confide in and they could broach the subject with him. I think the easiest way though would be to leave this on view so that he can read and understand what you are going through.
It will be hard initially to get the image of your mum out your head but try to focus on the happy times you had and gradually replace the current image with a happier one. You can take great comfort from knowing that you cared for her during those 6 weeks and she would know how much you loved her which would have made her passing more peaceful.
Remember your dad, brother and mum will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best that they can. Try visiting some of their favourite places on your own, sit and talk to them and quietly await a response such as a breath of wind on a still day. Your eldest children will remember their grandparents - start a memory book full of stories from your childhood, stories from your parents childhoods and photos. This is a great way to get your emotions out - you can all have a good laugh or cry when doing this and it will help to preserve memories for your children. You have to stay strong for your husband and children but more importantly you need to allow yourself to grieve - maybe have a weekend away on your own or with a close friend to escape the daily pressures.
With regards to struggling to talk about your feelings, if you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
