Grieving is hard

Hi,

I lost my mum in feb and it was a shock in the same way as you describe. I had no real idea that she was so far along (which makes me sound like an awful daughter as looking back the signs were there). It so hard when it’s a shock... I mean it cancer how can it be a shock - but it is sometimes!

You mention dealing with everyone else’s emotions- do you have people to talk about yours too? 

Thank you for your message and so sorry for your loss.

I do have friends to talk to and although they try to be there for me they dont really have the understanding as theh have never been in a similar situation. 

I joined this group to find others to chat to and also just to read other people's stories who truly understand the grief and also to find people whom have been through similar situations who can share what helped them manage. 

You are not an awful daughter at all and I truly hope you don't think you are. My sister withheld information and it was only at the very end that the doctors shared the true extent with family members. 

In hindsight everything is always clear but nothing is clear at the time. No matter how many times you run through things in your head there is always hope and justification. 

So how are.you doing? Do you have people to talk with? If you would like to share more I am here to listen. 

Thank you. It’s been a difficult start to 2020 for most of us!

i know what you mean about people being sweet but not really understanding. I have a lovely husband who is very much there for me but I do worry about him kinda getting bored of listening to the same things over and over again. I’m not a big cryer (really at all to be honest) but I think I just get a bit distant and then it takes a load of effort to be more normal. 

I don’t think I really think that... but in the night when I’m not sleeping (haven’t slept properly in a few months and get a lot of bad dreams - sounds a bit lame but it’s not very nice) it feels a bit more like I should have known. I have a background in cancer research- I’m no medical doctor but I do know quite a lot about it so I really should have been able to read the signs. Can’t change the past! Do feel I let my dad down a bit though. 

Day to day I’m pretty okay - the sleeping thing is a bit of a problem but I imagine it will solve itself over time! How are you doing? How are you coping with the virus? Such a weird time in the country!

Take care, x

This time is a bit bitter sweet for me. I cut myself off from everyone and everything at the beginning (other than my family) as I just wanted time for me to deal with the necessities, be there for my nephew and family, process my own thoughts and feelings and I also didn't want to talk about what had happened at all. In hindsight I think I was trying to gain back some control and find a new normal before going back to my old life. 

People do not seem to understand that these things actually do change you and you are not the same person you were before. I also learnt a lot about my friends, which ones who truly wanted to be there for support and others who were missing me in their lives and were more selfish in their attempts at support. 

I am finding times hard now as the choice has been taken away from me so when I have the need to go and seek comfort and human interaction I can't just go and get it.

I think another reason for self distancing in the beginning was because I am the strong one and am always ok and I wasn't strong or ok and didn't really know who I was anymore. I also have many walls built and only show the different sides of me to different people dependent on how safe I feel with them. I am learning that it is ok not to be ok, it's also ok to let people in and it's ok to let others look after me. 

This makes me sound like an absolute control freak and psychologically completely messed up I know!! (Somewhat true!!!)

My sleeping is hit and miss. Some nights I barely sleep at all, others have vivid nightmares, other nights I sleep so heavy I end up feeling rough for a few days after. 

Its not easy or simple when emotions are involved and hindsight is wonderful and our human nature makes us question ourselves. I think this is how we understand and learn. We have to be kind to ourselves and forgive ourselves because we did our best at the time in the circumstances. 

It's been nearly 7 months now since my sister passed and some days it still doesn't seem real. 

Be kind to yourself.