Lost mum yesterday. Dealing with loss during Coronavirus outbreak

Hi Nikki

I am sorry for your loss.  I am dealing with a similar situation with my dad, although I am pleased to say he received the best care given his circumstance.

We lost him on Monday, and because of this virus it is also likely we will not be able to give him the funeral he deserves.

Don't worry about ranting I have done that a lot myself this week and I am sure it won't stop and neither should you.

I am here if you want to chat or just rant some more.  Weirdly this also helps me.

I am this afternoon waiting for a call from my mum to see what the funeral director has told us what we can and can't do.  Which is also wrong. My dad deserves better and it looks like we won't be able to do it.

Hi Taranis

Thanks for responding. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but glad he received good care. I hope you can find some comfort in that, although I know the pain you are feeling.

We don't have a medical certificate from the hospital yet, so I can't even make an appointment to register her death. I don't know if this is 'normal' when someone dies, but I get the impression it's usually a lot quicker. I could be wrong, I haven't had to do this before. My dad won't /can't do any of the arranging, so I'm doing everything and organising my 2 brothers as well. I find I'm also being the emotional support for other family members.

Every asks if there's something they can do? I want to say 'everything and nothing'. I don't want to be the responsible one. I want to curl up in a corner and cry, or go back home to my 4 year old and hug him. He doesn't even know yet.

I have just contacted a couple of funeral directors, so hopefully I will have more information soon.

You're right. They deserve better. I've said we will plan another event something when all this is over. A celebration of mum's life with all her friends and family. I think that will help us get through this.

Hope you're ok? Did you hear from your mum yesterday?

Hi 

I feel a little odd at the moment.  He had been on the decline and suffering for some time and now he is at piece I feel relieved, I don't know if that's normal or just strange.

Got an update from mum yesterday and for the moment it is all systems go.  Funeral has been arranged for the 9th April and the service has no restrictions.  But depending on the virus this may change.

I don't know what NHS trust you are in, but it has been quick for us to get the paperwork we needed in order to get the arrangements in place.  Just to give you an idea, dad died on the 16th we had the medical cert on the 17th and the death certificate on the 18th.  We were then able to meet with the funeral director yesterday.

Seems to me you could do with someone to talk to and scream and shout at to help you.  Have you thought about your GP. In my experience they can be helpful.  I am always here as well if you would rather it was just me.  

What I would also do is talk to your 4 year old.  They are more reselient than you know.  That also may be of some comfort to you.

I'm sorry that you lost your mother in these difficult times. I don't have that experience so I can't imagine what you must be dealing with right now. I lost my mother 18 months ago and per her wishes, we didn't hold a funeral. Instead, last fall we held a celebration in her honor. She always enjoyed the evenings we spent sitting around an outdoor bonfire grilling and so we did just that but invited anyone who knew her and cared to come. We ended up with well over a hundred people showing up and spending the evening with us sharing stories of my mother and I had a great time. Because it was nearly 10 months after she passed away, I was able to listen and tell a few stories of my own without being consumed in grief. I know my mother would have enjoyed the celebration.  I tell you this in case you aren't able to hold a funeral as you perhaps wanted, there are other options. I don't regret not having a funeral. 

Hi,

My dad passed away on Friday, I am totally heartbroken. It all seems to have happened so fast. It has not even been six weeks since we had the meeting with his oncologist to find out which kind of lung cancer and stage etc. As a family we have all been staying away regarding the whole Coronavirus situation, valuable time that we should have been spending with him, I’m so angry.

Hi Taranis

How are you doing? Sorry I haven't been on the forum for a bit, I was keeping myself busy arranging mum's funeral. We moved pretty quickly in the end and had her funeral Tuesday 31st March. I pushed to have the funeral as quickly as possible because I was worried the longer we left it, the more restrictions would be in place. 

It all went well considering. We were allowed 10 people (immediate family). We managed to have a Horse and hearse and had a Limo for myself, dad and brothers and their partners. My husband couldn't come because we couldn't take my son (which was the right decision).

We originally planned a church service, but this was cancelled due to the stricter CV rules. So we live streamed from the Crematorium and I know many people were watching and thought the service was beautiful.

It was extremely sad sitting apart from each other during the service. It felt as though we were in detention and weren't allowed to comfort each other.

We tried to have some sort of 'wake' afterwards, but it wasn't what was needed really. We needed other people to share stories and bring laughter or tears. I was annoyed we were just sitting around discussing the latest Coronavirus stats, watching the news and looking at our phones as though it were just another day, instead of talking about mum. So I did end up screaming and shouting, but at the wrong people. I'd been bottling everything up and it got the better of me. They were all lovely to me and were just worried, but it made me feel even worse the next day.

We will have a 'Celebration of life' event for mum later, which does bring some comfort. Maybe next March on her birthday, which should have been her 70th.

I hit a massive low Wednesday - which I knew was coming, but couldn't prepare for. I'm slowly getting myself back into gear. I spoke to the GP yesterday who gave me a number for counselling, and work are going to put me on Furlough leave. This is a massive help as I wasn't sure how I was going to cope looking after my son, whilst working and grieving. My anxiety was starting to spiral out of control. I feel a have a bit of breathing space now.

I hope the arrangements for your Dad are going ok?

We set up a memorial site for my mum on muchloved.com. It was useful for putting information up - especially the live streaming info. We also raised money for Ovarian Cancer Action. A whopping £733 - which was a total surprise and it did bring as some comfort seeing something so positive.

Feel free to have a look at mum's; https://eileensusanmills.muchloved.com

Take care

Nikki

Hi SammyS4,

I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your Dad. I know how heartbroken you must be.

It sounds as though everything happened so quickly and you didn't have time to process any of it. Not that you are ever prepared.

It was very responsible of you to stay away during that period, and you were doing the best you could for your dad. I'm not surprised you are angry, this virus is stripping us of so much and has robbed you of that precious time.

If you need to talk or rant, feel free to get in touch.

Sending love to you and your family

Nikki

x

Hi Ithenderson

I'm sorry to hear about you mum, but thank you for sharing your experience with a later celebration. It does sound lovely, and I hope we will be able to hold something similar next year. 

We did mange to hold a funeral, and I like to think mum would have approved. She didn't leave any instructions as we thought she was reacting so well to the Chemo and were all being so positive. When she did start feeling ill again she just crumbled in a matter of days. It was too late by then.

I hope we can celebrate what would have been her 70th next March - although that may be too close to the anniversary of her death. Time will tell.

Thanks again

Nikki

x

Nikki,

I hope you will be able to hold something similar and I ask that you don't make my mistake and not record it. There were so many stories, some I was able to write down later but some were forgotten do to the shear number of them. If I had to do it over, I would have recorded the entire thing. It was a blast. 

With the anniversary of my mom's death coming up, I knew I didn't want to dwell on it and be sad so I decided to do something that my mom always loved to do, go on a hike. So on her death anniversary, my wife and I went to her favorite place to hike and did it in her honor. It was a great day and brought me lots of happiness. This year, I'm thinking of inviting a few close friends to join us and just make it an annual thing. 

Best wishes

Hi Nikki,

I must have missed this, sorry 

My Dads funeral is this Thursday 9th, and I am dreading the whole thing, I am going to have the same restrictions as you, not sitting together, no car.  I have to drive myself there.  When finished I got to get myself home, same as you, not able to get any comfort you would expect.  The service is going to be filmed by the undertaker so that those who wanted to be there but can't can say their goodbyes.  Not thrilled about that let me tell you.

I am also on furlough from my job and at the moment I am sure like everyone else in this position I don't know when I will be able to return or if in fact I will have a job to go back to when it is all over.

Because of the current climate we all find ourselves in .I live alone and consequently not been able to see family.  Which is not easy.  I would really appreciate some words of encouragement that will get me though Thursday.  The service is at .11.45..am