My dad died in a care home and I don't know if he received good care

Hello , I lived 240 miles away from my parents so I can understand part of what you are going through. My Dad died in hospital many years ago and my Mother in a nursing home a few months before my own cancer diagnosis a few years ago. I think with any death it’s very natural to look back to see how things could have been done differently, but the truth is we probably make the best decision that we could at that time.

For me I would have liked my mum in a home near me, or at my home but my siblings felt as they were closer geographically that that would not work for them, and the logistics of transport for my mum while ill would not have worked, and like you the hospital needed a decision, and we had to make a choice on what was best at that moment. It sounds like you weighed lots of things up and had to make the best decision you could at the time. It sounds like you’ve been pulled in many directions and that your coping mechanism has really kicked in. You’ve done lots of very practical things to cope, seeking counselling and making complaints and I admire you for that. 

I am not always very in tune with what I feel emotionally it’s much easier to deal with facts. I felt really ill after my mum passed and felt that was probably stress or anxiety after her loss events overtook me though when I had my diagnosis. Suddenly I had to think about me and let go of any thoughts connected with my mum. So I can’t help with any experience or tips of how to let go of the what ifs that you are feeling, but I hope your counselling does. (I still have a lot of her possessions in boxes here that years later I am just bringing myself to go through). 

I felt I wanted to reply to say I hear that you are hurting and hope that soon you feel able to move forward, and to say please look after yourself,  in fact I wonder if this is the only sentence I should have written !! 

I am sorry that you have been through so much in such a short space of time as that really can make your head spin.

Hi 

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your father and that you're worried about the care he received in his care home.

I noticed that you had posted a very similar message in ask about bereavement support in December and wondered if you'd seen you'd had a couple of replies, one from the Macmillan bereavement advisor and one from a Macmillan nurse. They both gave links and information to help you through this very difficult time. If you didn't see their replies then clicking here will take you to them.

Sending a big ((hug))

Hello Latchbrook, thanks for much for this.  I had seen the replies and I'd followed up on their suggestions, but I'm glad you pointed them out- it's lovely to know someone is looking out.  I've also contacted Healthwatch which I didn't know about, but the local NHS trust suggested them and they've been supportive.  I've also contacted the care home organisation further up the chain.  I'd posted the recent message because while I'd seen lots of accounts from people whose relatives died in hospital or a hospice, I wasn't sure how common it was for someone to die in a care home - I felt that the staff weren't really able to cope when my dad died.  I'm still clearing (barely begun to clear) my mum and dad's house and some things will go to the local hospice charity.  I wish he'd been there, but I feel at least this way someone will benefit even if he couldn't.  Thanks so much again x

Hello KTathome; thanks so much for this - it really helps.  I want to reply properly later but I wanted to let you know now that you've really helped.  All the very best to you x

I have every sympathy with you and am full of similar regrets. I looked after my dad in his final few weeks but the end was too hard for me so I was recommended a care home.  He was transferred, quite brutally in the end, and died within 6 hours of arriving there.  It happened so quickly and the whole administration of it was a mess. If I can turn back time I'd have kept him at home with me. It breaks my heart every day and it was 15 months ago.

Hi Ruth, 

Don't beat yourself up. You can not always be the one to care for someone close for lots of reasons! My husband died suddenly in the end and we never got anywhere putting our plans together but we were considering a care home because the hospice never did end of life care and despite being a trained nurse I did not want to do 24 he care and my husband didn't want me to be his nurse but his wife! 

I therefore had an insight to good and bad nursing homes! I understand your distress and I hope that your dad had good care. There are still lots of old fashioned nurse out there giving excellent care so try to remember that. I am not happy with the care my husband recieved whilst having chemo etc at our local hospital where I trained and the mortuary lost his wedding ring!!! I will complain but objectively in a couple more weeks when I have calmed down about it because I am still fuming and very disappointed as I trained there! 

I hope you get some peace soon. Take care and be kind to yourself xxx

Hi Akela, thank you so much for this.  I've been overwhelmed with people's kindness after my post.  All the staff I came into contact with at the hospital were really kind and the nurse I spoke to at the care home before my dad died was sympathetic too so that really does help to counteract what happened on the day he died.  I'm so sorry about the wedding ring- that's awful for you.  I do hope you also get some resolution - I'm actually feeling more at peace about it all at present - I'm hoping that continues.  All the very best to you Ruth xx

Hello again; thanks so much for this.  What you've said has really helped me- the counsellor has also said that I made the decisions I had to at the time and it's good to have another person say that.  I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much- I can see why you wanted to move your mum, but why you couldn't.  Thank you so much for sharing this.  I do hope that your own health has recovered .  All the very best to you.

Hello Kaipup; thank you so much for replying.  I wish there was something i could say to offer comfort.  That must have happened so fast you can barely have been able to take it in. I've been away clearing my mum and dad's house (still a long way from finished) and while it's been distressing, I've been able to think about his life before he was ill rather than constantly think about how he died. I hope that you can find some peace eventually,  xx