My mom passed on August 25th from advanced pancreatic cancer diagnosed on August 1st. I moved in with her and hospice only helped with supplying meds but not with administration of them. She 
ckly became very jaundiced and kept trying to getting up to use bathroom yet the weight of her quickly expanding belly, made her fall. I stayed with her 24/7 , more or less for those 24 days. Hospice never started an Iv line , as my mom wouldn't admit to pain and breathing problems.
It became obvious and they gave us an oxygen machine but I wasn't home when they brought it in. I was out getting m rxs. She had trouble breathing I didn't know how to turn oxygen up, I called hospice every hour for days begging for a help with oxygen machine, and help in keeping her safe while I could eat or sleep for a few hours.
They set a nurse up for aug 26th, the day after she passed During this time my mother became paranoid, delusional and very very uncomfortable. I finally broke down and gave her the morphine in small cups filled with cranberry juice. Then figured out to wet her mouth with lemonollipops" then put oral syringe in her mouth. Hospice never helped with administration. No iv, still I did this until she passed away. I was alone, terrified and irate at lack of hospice help. saw her skin become mottled, I saw her dying, left her to jump in pool to cool off, to return, to her being passed. Hospice then came , and stayed with body until coroner come.
ive never felt so angry numb and lost as I do now. I can't find pleasure in the future. I am not suicidal just stuck in a spiral that has me obsessed with what I could of done, suffocated by her house items overtaking my own home, and dealing with a depressed boyfriend who also just lost a parent very recently.
I need guidance please to what I should do to stop this spiral and get to feeling joy again
