Nearly one year after losing my Mum.

Hi BecBob, yes it is useful going to counselling, that’s from my perspective. Maybe try a few and see if it’s a fit for you. It will give you a place freely to talk, cry, get angry.... I didn’t go until around 11 months after losing my mum. I had let thoughts  swim around and was just avoiding them, keeping busy etc. But the Dam bursts and you need to be able to talk, you are her daughter and this is a massive loss for you . So yes it can be helpful. Really truly sorry about your mum xxx 

Thank you for your message. Nice to hear from someone who know how I feel and is at the same place in this horrible journey. How did you access the counsellor? 

I had to go privately, otherwise waiting too long and I probably would not have went with too much thinking/waiting time. I did a little research and found one which I felt might suit me. Just check lists of registered counsellors and therapists in my area and their specialisms. 
But I do know there are community organisation/charitable providers if approached can help, without the gp referral.

Or ask doctor for a referral to one. Sadly that only gets 8 weeks but it’s a start. The average cost if going direct and privately (here anyway) is £40 per session or get a referral and should be free of charge then. 
hope you can access xx 

This sure rings a bell with me. My mother passed away 15 months ago and my dad started dating someone 2 states away 14 months ago. We are now struggling as a family as my dad has now decided to spend his time away from my brother and I along with our families to be closer to his girlfriend. He even decided to spend Christmas with her family instead of ours or my brothers family. That stung a little bit. 

But for me, I believe that it is yet another symptom of cancer. Cancer just didn't affect my mother and take her life, it also affected my dad and even me. With my dad, he can't stand being alone anymore or being in the house that he shared all these years with my mother. It is forcing him to run away from home essentially. I don't have the option of running away because I have a spouse and two children that need me. I have found great comfort in taking up causes my mother loved dearly and doing them in her honor. It keeps her memory alive and gives me great opportunities to tell my children what sort of person their grandma was and how she would be proud of them today.

Hi 

Thank you for your email, it’s so nice to talk to someone who understands. Yes you are right, none of us chose this awful thing to happen and although I have a husband and children to keep me company, I understand that my Dad is desperately lonely. The void in his life is one that can be filled, I will never be able to replace my Mum and that is so hard. I don’t want my Dad to spend the rest of his life being lonely, but it just feels too soon for me. But if I make it difficult for him, he can’t move on with his life and will just spend every day feeling sad and alone. My Mum loved being a Nana and her greatest pleasure was being with her grandchildren, I just don’t know if I can ever share that pleasure with any one else, it will always feel wrong. Does that make sense? I have enquired about some counsellors today and I’m hoping to talk it through with them. Take care. x

It makes perfect sense. In my case, I've had talks with my dad and told him my feelings about the timing of his new girlfriend. We both agree that the timing wasn't very good and at the end of the day, I want him to be happy and he wants to be happy. Thus far, after 14 months of dating, he still insists that they will never get married and that it is mostly for companionship. The biggest hurdle that we are trying to clear now is that the new girlfriend keeps bugging him about why we don't ask about her. I try telling my dad that we treat her just like we do all his friends, with respect, but I honestly just don't care to get to know her like she is a close friend of mine. I don't ask him about his other friends on a daily basis so why should his girlfriend be any different. I'm not looking for another mother figure in my life. My kids aren't looking for another grandma either.  All we care about is that my dad is happy. Needless to say, this causes friction in his relationship evidently and I'm not sure how it will end. 

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I learned that it would kill her someday, I knew it had changed our family forever. I was naive though and thought that with her death, the cancer would be gone too. But it is still present in our new lives and probably will be for some time to come. It is truly a horrible disease.

Gosh, this just sounds so familiar. I have had the same conversations with my Dad. He is so keen for us to meet her and I am far more comfortable just keeping the two things separate at the moment. I feel under pressure to make things easier for him, but at the same time, it is making things a lot more difficult for me. I have so much to be dealing with, (I haven’t even really accepted that my Mum has gone yet), I’m not sure I can take any more on board, it’s just too much. Thank you for your support. x