I’m a different person now- without mom.

Everyones feelings and experiences are real and tangible. How other people feel or how much their situations may be better or worse take nothing away from how you feel and what you experience. You gone through one of the hardest things we ever need to experience.

I think these things do change us. Our perspectives change and so do our priorities but that doesnt need to be a bad thing.

I think youre incredibly brave coming here and sharing your story. Its always better out than in and you should absolutely use whatever medium you feel will help. 

Im currently living through my dads last days. He has lung cancer which has metastisised to his brain. He is at the not eating/sleeping all the time, mottled skin, confused and delirious stage and they told me today he has days. I think ill be in a very similar situation as you very soon and after spending 15 weeks visiting him in hospital and latterly in the hospice I think Ill end up empty and void when its all over.

We arent machines and how you feel isnt isolated. Im sure there are lots of people on here who can completely sympathise with how you feel. Please look after yourself, both physically and mentally. Nothing will fill the void but it will get easier in time x

Hi there,

Just to say, I don't think you sound like you are feeling sorry for yourself at all and anyways, 14 weeks is still early days. Hope you have a wonderful wedding day. I imagine it will be very emotional and hope you will feel your mum with you. Crumbs! Bereavement is so tough, keep going, it will definitely feel much easier in time. It's still a life-changer though,

Best wishes x

I lost my mother in November 2018 and have felt many of the thoughts you write about. What got me past them and over the hump was that I started living to honor my mother. I have taken over some of the things she did and felt strongly about and made them my own. I am also working hard to make sure my two daughters (7 and 13) grow up knowing all about their grandma. I would still give anything to have her back again, but she won't be forgotten in my lifetime and that brings me a lot of peace.

Dear MsJ,

I feel like I could have written exactly what you have here. I lost my mum nine months ago and I feel exactly the way you’ve described. I’m back at work, and being a mum and wife but I feel like I’m split in two. One part is acting the way I always did and the other part is watching in my head screaming how can you be normal? It’s also screaming at everyone, how can you think I’m fine? Which is unfair because I’m trying my best to act fine because what else can you do?

I have found grief to be a very lonely experience, just as you said I feel very detached from everyone around me.  I don’t even feel like I can connect with my brothers or stepdad, who are clearly going through the same thing, I don’t know why. I hate that mentioning my mum in conversation makes other people so uncomfortable. If she was alive, talking about her would be natural but talking about her now is a thousand more times important. I want to tell everyone what an amazing, lovely, caring person she was but people don’t want to talk about her, they don’t know what to say. 

Im so sorry your mum won’t be at your wedding, you’re right life is very cruel.  You don’t sound sorry for yourself at all, you are expressing just how devastating losing your mum is. I’m so sorry we have all had to watch someone we love so much suffer and I agree I thought I was ready to let go because she was in so much pain but I too would give anything to have her back, even if it was those last horrific days. 

Every time my phone pings with a text message my first thought is that’s mum. I’d give anything to talk to her again. I suppose we just have to be grateful that we had such wonderful mums in our life, and that’s why it’s is unbearably hard to lose them.

Thanks again for your words, they really struck a chord with me and it helps to know that other people are feeling the same way.

Mrs Chev