Dreading New Year

Hello you lovely lot,

Nice to hear from you again. Sunshine, was thinking about you - glad to see you messaged. I related to a lot of what you said.

So, it was officially a year on Saturday (12th) that my dear mum left us. My sister wrote this beautiful poem which I think summed it up very well. Reach out for a tissue, this one got me. 

I was due to do my first official 10K at the Olympic park stadium for Target Ovarian on Saturday. Sadly, I got the lurgy on Friday, after battling it for some weeks! And found myself in bed for 3 days. It’s strange as I thought that something would happen on the 12th. I wasn’t sure how I was ‘meant to feel’ and actually when it arrived, it wasn’t the hardest day I’d had. In fact, the Friday the 11th was tricky. Being ill and knowing your mum would have had some wonderful words of encouragement.

So, like us all. I miss her every day and I try to remember how fearless and brave she was, even until the bitter end.

Gbear - I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling too good. Get plenty of rest and everything in this instance, can wait till tomorrow.

Spu - thinking of you. 

Thinking of you all and I leave below the poem written by my sister. 

Much love xxx

A year since she left us.
Such a long short time,
Just drifted away, no need for a fuss,
And we have to move on.

Yet,

She's come to us in posthumous notes:
"Love you" "Hello" in familiar hand,
Couldn't have known how they'd keep us afloat,
Messages, other times.

It's silly I know, just throes of grief
To think of her, a dragonfly darting,
Or autumn leaf
Landing in flaxen hair.

And I swear she's stood with me
Watching a butterfly,
A presence beneath the budding fig tree,
Vibrant flash in the shade.

It rains and she colours the sky,
A little voice says, "She's in your heart,"
I cry
Gulp lungs of mountain air.

She had to, didn't want to go
From a life lived rosy and full of love,
Now this I know,
She lives, beyond what's seen.

Hello - I haven’t posted on here for quite a while, but, I still visit this site now and then to read the posts and will always relate to the effect of awful cancer has on us. Our cancer journeys are all different, but the effect it has on us all is the same - devastating doesn’t even come close to how we can sum up what we are/how feeling. It was the first anniversary for mum last month, like you said SPu it all seems unreal that mum is not here, I still can’t quite believe it. What you said SPu is so true - it does make you wonder how much sadness a heart can take. 

GBear - I hope your feel better soon, as Kate said, get plenty of rest.

Thinking of you all - GBear, Sunshine, Kate, SPu, Louise, Emma xx

Lovely, beautiful poem by your sister Kate xx

Aww Kate, that's a beautiful poem. You and yours are in my thoughts. Xx I had that, (Not knowing how to feel) I found the anniversary and special days have big empathsis on them.(people kept telling me how awful it would be (nice of them) ) Of course they are super hard. But to be honest I think I braced my self for them and did something my mum would love. It's the mundane Monday or Tricky Tuesday, when my mum would have, just been there. No ifs or buts just there. In my corner no matter what. It is the hardest. Of course people care. But I don't think there's a love like a mum's love. I was hers. XXX 

Oh bless you. Get well soon, I'm the same been battling it for over 3 wks and end up in bed for three day. Nasty bugs about)

(completely relate, I just want my mum when I'm I'll. Most prob being dramatic, it's a virus, but she would shower me with Mum love and that comfort) XXX

Sorry your unwell Gbear best wishes. 

Best wishes to you SPU and all of you. In my thoughts, take care guys. 

Hi everyone, just checking in on this rainy Monday morning (in the New Forest just now, had a little long weekend break - how lovely!). I'm not on here as often as I was in those early, impossible, lost days and weeks - but I do think of you all, often. The mutual support on here really has helped me get through some terrible times.

Bless you Kate, that beautiful poem from your sister really touched me. I know a few of us had that first anniversary recently. For us it came earlier this month, 6 November. I took a few days away from work and glad I did, was just going to take the day itself but it wouldn't have been wise. My sister had the week off so we spent it together, and on the day itself we spent over an hour pottering round a garden centre - mum would have loved that! I planted some spring bulbs for mum in the garden back home, hoping they'll bring some cheer in a few months' time. 

My sister's been battling with her demons and had a couple more really bad episodes in the last few months. I've picked her up each time and I'll do it as long as she needs my help - I'm grateful to mum for giving us each other and I really hope my sis can find her inner strength and peace in the long term, to make the most of the gifts she still has. 

I finished my counselling sessions recently too and felt a bit weird about it - a bit scared of having to do this alone again. But we're not on our own, really - we've got each other, here; we've got our memories of our loved ones, and they are truly in our hearts. 

Also I meant to share that the Loss Foundation are running a Winter Connect at the moment- I think it's on their website - they pair you up with someone who has experienced similar aspects of loss (everyone they support has lost loved ones to cancer), and you can have a phone call with each other on your own terms, just a chance to talk and support one another - like we do on here really. It's not for everyone but thought I'd mention in case anyone liked the idea of it. The sign-ups are from all across the country which is nice, too.

So I hope you are doing ok, you wonderful, kind, generous, lovely people. Sending my million thanks for your goodness and generosity and all my kindest and most loving thoughts for you in your loss, and everything else that life throws at us. 

Emma

xxx

Dearest Emma and the whole gang.

I too haven't been on here as much but I've often wondered how you're all getting on. To think it's almost a year since the group began. Although everyday has been a bit of a battle, we've found the strength and courage to get to this point. We should all be proud for that alone.

So, I've spent a lot of my time running in the last few weeks. I did my first official 10K run at the Olympic Park Stadium on Saturday. Despite the near frostbite and rain, it was liberating and exciting. I managed to complete the run in 1 hour 7 which I was quite pleased with. I wasn't worried really about the time but merely making my way around (4 times!!) Round lap 3, a rainbow came out and I stopped to take a picture. There my mum was, guiding me round, willing me on.

It's hard to put into words how I've felt the last few months. Every day can be different. Sometimes I question if my mum ever existed, other times I remember it all like it was yesterday and I feel shocked that she's no longer here. I struggle with the word dead and my mum and sometimes I miss her so much, I wish, almost like a child, that I can go back in time. I still phone my dad and imagine my mum picking up the phone. It really is still a process. 

A friend messaged earlier and was like, "You must have so many emotions at this time of year" and for a moment, I went on the defensive and thought, how do you know? What so because it's Christmas you assume I'm more emotional than an average Monday?

Anyway, how are you all? Thanks for mentioning about the Loss Foundation Emma - I will look into that.

Thinking of you all and hope to hear from you.

Lots of love, 

Kate xxx

Wow, well done Kate with all the running. Yes I bet the rainbow was nice and your Mum guiding you round, think you needed it to get though the rain and ice ouch not nice to run in. 

You know its funny we say it without thinking sometimes that it must be difficult this time of year I suppose it is in that we often celebrate with family and friends and it can hit us when we see that empty chair. But at the same time we often try to remember the good things about our Mums, friends Dads brothers and sisters. But I believe they are with us all the time, I was talking about my friend today I miss him so much, the jokes he would play, his friendship and being someone I could talk too who always listened. Yeah I gulp at it being other a year now since his death yet I can remember as if was yesterday. Emotions are a funny thing we often can't control them but they help us process things. 

Thinking of everyone and sending gentle hugs all your ways.

Just wanted to wish everyone a peaceful Christmas and New Year. With love xxx

Hi all

Sorry not been around much - went a bit ostrich head in sand with memories of too many “anniversaries” over the last couple of months.  It doesn’t mean I don’t think of you all and how you’re doing though.

I hope you’re all doing ok. Wishing you all a healthy, happy and peaceful New Year.

xx

Hi all, lovely to hear from you all. 

Well done with the running Kate. Sounds fabulous. Yes a year since our little crew started Nd couldn't agree more, you have all helped me so much. I also don't come on as often but think of you all often. 

I had a lovely Christmas and was able to enjoy the festivities, knowing that is exactly what my wanted. But New Year,  is looming and the biggest wave. It's my mum's birthday NYE. I just hate the fact a new year is coming. It's silly I know. It will come and I will be ok. I'm just super emotional. Miss my beautiful mum everyday. But I don't know why, New Year just gets me. Xxx

Gonna, have a takeaway and a couple of drinks and get into bed before midnight. Just chilled one. It's ok to not be ok. 

Gentle wishes to you all. Xx