Dreading New Year

Hello ladies,  sorry haven't been in touch in so long.  Thanks for your message, Kate, i was wondering how your Ibiza trip went and thinking of you, and all of you as we ride the waves.  

I've had some really hard times over the last month, my sister hit a really bad patch a few weeks back' and I had to bring her away from the brink again which took quite a while. It's frightening trying to support someone through grief when they also have their own demons, for her it's alcohol and it's scary when it gets bad. She's doing much better now but  none of this is a smooth ride, just when you think you're getting somewhere positive it all hits you again. Been missing mum so very much lately and similar to Kate I've come up to the anniversary of the diagnosis, and this Friday would have been mum's seventieth birthday, and it's just insane that she's not here for us to spoil her and make a fuss.

I've started seeing a counsellor privately and had a good first couple of sessions, will see how it goes from here. I also had a day long workshop with the Loss Foundation, which was good though really emotional. Guess we all have to muddle through in any way we can . Sorry for a bit of a ramble but I've been trying to find the time to write to you all for ages and just let you know Im thinking of you, and sending lots of love your way.

Take care all     

Emma 

xx

Aww Emma,

I thought about you all yesterday and wondered whether to write a follow up to see how you all were.

So sorry to hear about your sister. It’s hard enough having to deal with you own grief but trying to keep her going must be so full on and demanding. I’m glad you’re getting to see a counsellor too. I hope to start some up again in the coming months. I know it’s not for everyone but I found it a massive relief. I hope you do too.

It’s almost a year since mums passing on the 12th October. I still find myself not really believing my mum has gone. Even today when phoning my dad, I imagined her picking up the phone and sounding really happy and cheery. I still don’t understand why this has happened to us all but then I read something the other day when it said, why not us? Why not me? 

Almost finished my running app and then I will start my full on marathon training shortly. It’s nice to have a positive focus. 

I often think about you all and hope you’re finding strength to keep on ploughing through the waves.

Lots of love always xxxx

Hi Kate ,

I have actually finished the painting now

Sorry to hear about the waves but as your anniversary comes up its no wonder, I try hard to forget dates as silly as it sounds I try to avoid remembering, yet it doesn't work I remember every date of trauma. Maybe its our minds trying to get us to deal with all the thoughts. When's your next big run?

Sending you gentle hugs

Hi Emma ,

Its sounds like your sister has a wonderful sister looking out for her, its really sad to hear her problems with drink as well as the grief that your both going though. It sounds like the workshop helped you a lot and I am pleased to hear the counselling sessions are going OK, don't worry about sounding like your rambling better to be said here and no one here will judge you. We all go though those bad days differently, for me I have had so many other worries my mind gas shut down and doesn't want to deal with it at the moment so I have tried distracting myself more with my art, it helps a lot more then I realised when I joined an art class there a great bunch we have a good laugh and its a great escape from all the worries outside. But admittly I am exhausted both physical and mentally and so I know how important it is to, to express those thoughts counselling helps some and my thought is if it helps go for it, the problems many have is there are times people have said they have problems seeing one so it is another worry so I am glad you have access. Does your sister have any other support network out there to support her drink problems as well as everything else. I know many areas do have support groups but sometimes they are not well known, I know some church groups other support but worth checking out if she hasn't, it may help you both.

Sending gentle hugs to you both

Hi all

Sorry I’ve not been on here for a while. I have been really busy with work but I think I am also being a bit ostrich and not trying to think/remember this time last year and Mum going back into hospital, dealing with losing job and then losing Mum. As has been said before it all seems very surreal and I still forget it’s happened sometimes- crazy I know.

Sending lots of hugs, positive thoughts and love to you all. Keep strong.

xx

Ah , how time has gone yet things are still very raw, and surreal its strange how sometimes it takes time for something that traumatic to sink in. But do we want it too? Yes silly as it sounds I believe our minds does wonders to try to protect us from a traumatic event and try to forget its happened, until we can deal with it fully. We can try and think, yes I get it, I understand but do we? Our minds are complex and the way the mind can close up in a protective way to help us just process what's happened. Just this last week I heard the lose of a great friend, someone who supportive me even though they were going though a real tough time, they always had time for everyone no matter what and totally respected them and I am davasted, but privileged to have known such a wonderful person. Cancer is cruel but it doesn't care who you are.

Hey you lovely lot. 

Haven't been about much, work and family life been hectic. Sorry to here some of you have been having tough waves. I often think of you all. Xx and send you all the biggest hug. 

How have I been? 

Well it's 14 months since my beautiful mum passed, it been the hardest. Many waves and them oddly calmer times. (When I feel settled, I think what's wrong with me")

I  have this thing where I just, stop for a minute and think "I can't believe, she is gone" of course I know she has, but its like wow, this is my life now. I continue to draw on all she wanted for me and all she taught me. I feel like me again at points, but then I know, I  have changed so much, the little things, that were important 16months ago, really dont matter. What matters is my crew an every day and living in the moment. 

Still struggle with how someone can be such a huge part of our lifes (for me, she was he centre of my world) then  gone. It's like an instant. And I do believe many people, still think your "over it". I never been one for self pity and I know and accept life goes on. But I'll never be "over it" 14 short months for a life time of unconditional love and memories. Its part of me. 

Funny really I've drifted apart from some friends. "the over it crew" and grown closer to others. Some surprises too. It's nice when people just remember, or use my mum's name. I don't want her to be forgot. I want to be able to remember, her name tips of my tongue as it always did. It always will. 

Love and hugs to you all. Xxx 

Hey all

Just checking in to say I hope everyone is doing “ok”. Tough times/memories for us all - I think about you all often even if I don’t come on to the site regularly (bit ostrich syndrome, trying to keep busy and not think too much).

Sending positive thoughts and warm hugs.

xx

Hi and everyone. Hope your doing OK, I am not feeling 100% at the moment think I may have this bug that's doing the rounds here completely exhausted. But being good and resting up as much as possible. I have my flu jab Thursday so hopefully I will feel better then, I have been suffering with migraines lovely but I send all my love to all.

Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well GBear.  It always seems that the winter bugs start to come out after the schools go back after summer ️. Migraines are horrid too. I hope you’re getting the answers you need and your Mum is ok.

It will be a year since I lost Mum on the 16th - I guess that’s why I’ve migrated back to the site. We lost a friend on here a couple of weeks back and it threw me again - one of the first lovely ladies who helped support me when I lost Mum. Like others have said, sometimes I still cannot comprehend she’s not here. I’m grateful for the time we had, I know we had a brilliant relationship but I selfishly wish I could have had more.  You sometimes wonder how much more sadness a heart can take (we’d had a difficult life which made having each other even more impactful). 

Peaceful times all.

xx