Dreading New Year

I understand , Kate its OK to cry and when it comes to triggers well its when we stop and our emotions take over its usually then that our minds say 'no' I am still grieving. Wouldn't it be nice to wrap all those emotions into a nice neat tidy bow and it all be so much more manageable. I still cry about my friend especially at night when the thoughts come though. We do so much to keep them emotions in check, that sometimes the mind says hey I ve had enough I need to deal with this now. Yet we think why? I think we try so hard to deal and push though all emotional trauma that we can sometimes get overwhelmed, this is when the floods of tears come, let them come, as my friend once said "bravery is when your the only one that knows your afraid" I think I understand this now, on the outside your look perfectly well getting on with life on the inside tour mind is a box of frogs waiting to escape, and each time we allow a frog to escape we deal with our thoughts whether its grief of something else that's troubling you. How long it takes to allow them frogs to escape depends on how much you allow yourself that little bit of time to let the grief out. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and so because of this we are all different. Maybe your friend Kate didn't mean to sound flippant with whats triggered that but wants to support you and I hope you have supportive friends it really helps.

Life can be very cruel. Mum was such a huge part of my life too and the loss is beyond words. I really miss the simple things, I could talk about anything to mum and I knew mum was there to listen. Feeling so lonely without mum, the one person that I need the most in this world, is no longer here. As you do Sunshine, I try to be positive and then I seem to crash and realise the magnitude of the loss. As I have said on here before, just let the tears flow, will have to take my own advice xx

Hi All,

Just wanted to send you all a hug, can relate feeling pretty low myself and like you Sunshine I feel completely exhausted, tired all the time even though thankfully I'm sleeping ok. I've also given up on yoga just not in the right frame of mind, it's enough energy to get home from work some days.

I felt like crying in the middle of town yesterday, felt so alone and just wanted to ring my mother.  As you say life is so cruel and I feel unfair. Life is rolling on and it hurts to think how much has gone on without our mothers being here.  There is a massive void that I feel can never be filled. We just try the best way we can I feel it's all we can do. 

Love to you all x x x

Hi everyone, just wanted to drop in and send some love and support to you all this week. Having lots of ups and downs myself lately so hope you don't mind if I unburden.

Today was a classic one for me: in a lift at work first thing this morning, I started welling up missing mum then bumped into a colleague just as I was coming out of the lfit. Blamed it on hayfever - though I'm sure she would have understood what was up, I couldn't bear to go into it. Had the same thing getting a cup of tea in the (most distant and deserted I could find) kitchen - tears starting up when I was alone, then suddenly someone else appears and I feel awkward and need to get away. All totally normal for those of us experiencing grief but totally alien to anyone else. I've suggested to HR at work that they could bring in some advice for managers about how to support employees experiencing bereavement. My manager is the kindest person ever and has been absolutely amazing, but that should be the standard not the exception - and I know that's not the case. My proposal hasn't got very far yet but I'm pushing for it to get more attention - and know mum would be proud of me for making the effort. Each time I get a half-hearted reply I try again, and I can hear her saying 'good on you, girl!'. If you're interested in this yourself,  I found a good advice document on the ACAS website: m.acas.org.uk/index.aspx  

It's my birthday later this month and it will be my first one without Mum. When she was first diagnosed Mum promised me she'd be making me my birthday cake this year: she was determined she would get this far. I loved her so much for saying that. Although we knew the cancer was terminal from the start, we both wanted so much to believe we'd have more time together. It wasn't to be, for us.  So I'm taking the day off work and I'll be in the kitchen, baking (mum taught me everything I know about making a cake) whilst listening to Classic Fm and quite freely chatting away to Mum :) We'll be making that cake together after all. We have to find our own ways to connect with our loved ones, don't we? 

Thanks for letting me share. Sending big hugs, courage and grace to you all and lots of love to those we're missing so much, wherever they may be.

Emma

xx

Oh the ‘I have hayfever’ line - know that one very well. I’ve had to change mascara so that I can avoid any black panda eyes if the tears creep in. 

So sorry you’re battling away too Emma but you’re remarkable for trying to set up the advice for people going through bereavement. It’s a brilliant idea and I love that you can hear your mum sending you encouraging words. I remember my counsellor saying that hearing the words that your mum would say or having discussions still with her is the positive side of grief and something that should be done if you feel comfortable. 

Think the making a cake with the radio and chatting to your mum is also such a wonderful idea too. Remember to be kind to yourself on the day and the way I got through mine was to not have any expectations, just go with it. 

I was going to check in with everyone this morning on the train but the reception was quite shoddy. Right old wobbly time. It’s coming up to 8 months and it feels really tough. So many different emotions. Anger, resentment of people who have their mums, lonely, isolated. Just really low and sad. Then I start this week and things seem ‘ok’ I hate not being able to control anything with grief. It’s as and when! I’ve just ordered another book on someone that lost a loved one to cancer -I’ll give it a read and see if I’d recommend it. I’ve also considered seeing if there are any bereavement groups where I live or work. I miss not being able to talk to people my age who are suffering. Obviously I feel extremely grateful I have you guys too. 

Managed a 4K run this evening. Couple of steady ones in the week and a long distance on the weekend. Just come back and eaten a load of chocolate!! 

Anyway - sending loads of love to you all xxx

Awww Sunny43, completely get this. My mum was a great listener too. She gave the soundest advice. Even if I didn't always take it. XXX Now when I'm struggling or just everyday things. I think what would mum day or do. My m had many little sayings. I will always have these with me. Xxx

Hey Lou12, 

That feeling just gets you doesn't it. I've had a wavey couple of weeks. Just all of a sudden I feel this wave come out of know where. Xx Send you calm wishes. Xx

Awww Emma, 

That's fantastic, thinking of ways to support others. I am also very lucky to have a very understanding manager and team and my organisation. Invest alot in supporting it's workforce. But like you said some are not so lucky. 

Love your gonna make the cake. Xx this is so lovely. XXX I need to do something nice. My mum's sister is coming for a long weekend. You have inspired me, to do some of my mum's favourite things. It really does make you feel connected. Xx

Aw   Emma I think that's a lovely thing to do to be home baking a cake which I am pretty sure your Mum would be totally delighted by you doing this and yes together, I really believe that and Happy Birthday too, its my birthday on Monday 40th and waiting for my life to start again . I think its wonderful that you have such a supportive employer and yes I wish that they were the norm not the exception, grief is very individual but I do believe that employers have to start to be human and be a lot more understandable, well done for you pushing for that, your Mum would definitely be proud of you for that. Enjoy the cake making I would love to see how it turns out.

Hey Kate,

Completely relate to those emotions. Last few weeks, I feel so very sad. 11 months on its bloody hard. I miss that one person who got me, my bestie. I'm rebuilding a life without the most precious person, by my side and that stings. XXX

Think breavement support group seems like a good idea. I've been looking at support.  Haven't decided which route to take. Maybe at work or back through MacMillan. I have this thing. It's almost my grief has become secret, hidden grief. Like I don't want to tell those close to me, in fear of upsetting, worrying, trigging something in them. none of them know I come in here.  I cry on own my in the shower, when hubby questioned  my red blotchy face, I  blame the tea tree shampoo. (He knew thou) Then with my wider friends circle and colleagues, I think they will think what wrong with her. I think as much as people try, if it doesn't directly effect them. Grief, death, dying, cancer is uncommortable. It's something people like to avoid. 

I think as I'm burying it deeper and deeper, I need to talk about it to let it out. 

Well done with the running, must admit the gym pass is gather dust. But as the payment just gone out determind to get back on it. Xxxx