Christmas was ok and we celebrated in my beautiful mum's honour and had lots of FUN. Just like she told us to and would have wanted. Of course we missed her more than words can say and we really kept her memory alive.
Now the festives have ended and I'm back home. I literally am dreading the New Year. It's my Mums Birthday on New Years Eve too. I plan to just be in my pjs and chill with my dad and hubby. I really don't want the New Year to come. I don't want a year to start that my beautiful mum won't have lived in. I know it will come and I know I will find inner strength. If this year has taught me anything it's I'm stronger than I ever knew, I cope better than I ever knew. This is the hardest thing I have ever faced. It's werid but I know I can do this because my mum raised me and gave me all these skills. I just wish she was with me. I miss her so much, it still hurts like it was yesterday. Xxx
Hello all,
Sorry for being a little mute the last few days, week or so. Spu, happy belated birthday - hope you found some strength to get through it.
Gbear, so sorry to hear about that poor girl - I find things like that really disturb me for a few days. It never feels it will happen near you - you just hear about it on the news. 
Sunshine - hope you had a lovely break. 
So - I’ve left work. Yesterday was my last day. A complete rollercoaster of emotions if I’m honest. I was very surprised by the nice messages in cards, flowers, gin, and brand presents. A little overwhelmed too if I’m honest. I’ve had a real mixture of feelings today. It brought back a lot about mum - it was there that I found out about her diagnosis. I had to look at a particular meeting room that I took the call from my sister everyday and then go into the loos where I fell apart. I looked at both one last time, got my things and left. Mum always said never to look back, so I didn’t. And that was it - 4.5 years. Today I’ve just slept, watched Jeremy Kyle (don’t judge)and then went out for a run in the rain. Picture below. Ran most of it thinking about eating spaghetti carbonara for dinner.
Start the new job on Monday, so tomorrow may be some gardening, catching up with a friend and then picking up my niece, Freya from nursery.
Hope you’re all doing ok. A lot of rain in south east London and a few rocky old waves at the moment.
Thinking of you all and much love xx
Hey Mac crew,
Kate, thank you. It was lovely really needed it. Xx
Aww bless you, lovely that you were spoilt. It nice to feel appreciated Xx Aww my mum use to say that too. Weren't our mum's wise. XXX Also a change is as good as a rest. Good luck for Monday. XXX Aww sorry to hear your having rocking waves. Wishing for calmer waves ahead to for you. Xx Sounds like your have a lovely day planned. I use to love picking my niece and nephew up from school. Love when they would come out and are soooo excited to see you. These moments are so prescious. Being an Aunty is the best. I still love it, but tbh now days I have to wait in the car (11 + 13) and have to act all cool (don't think I'm very cool with my 90 tunes blaring. 
lol.
I've had a strange old week. I know this sounds odd, but I have felt oddly settled. You know that settled feeling. I am very very lucky I know, that I have had a very settled happy life. My mum dying was the the biggest disruption I have ever had, it has turned my world upside down, something I'd never experienced before. Even at 38, I've always been in a protective bubble. When the bubble burst 9 months ago, I felt so unsettled, petrified and wondered where to go. It's brought lots of raw emotions and questions (questioned who I am) I've changed so much, what was important a year ago. Is so different to my focus now. Which is to live life to the max, treasure everym with my loved ones and not sweat the small stuff (another of my mum's sayings, I've always been a worrier and people pleaser. ).
I think my week away, has given me space to look at what's important to me. Get of the treadmill for awhile. Life will never be the same and that bubble will never be fully formed. Waves will still come I know. But slowly i feel I'm building a life my beautiful mum wanted for me. That in turn, is tinged with sadness. I want her to know, that we are doing ok and we are fulfilling her wishes of looking after each other and having fun.
Wow don't know where that came from, sorry for the massive off load. Xx just feels odd that I feel ok. But I guess as much as it's ok, not to be ok. It's ok to be ok. XXX
Sending calm wishing to you all. Thanks for listening. XXX
Does good to off load , we can take life for granted at times and its only when something happens that we suddenly start looking at things different, our priorities change we take stock of what life is all about. We can never truly predict how long we have in this world but we can make changes to make it a better life, get off the treadmill and enjoy life as much as we can. I think your Mum had it right with what she would say to you.
I be honest I am struggling at the moment not just with the lose of my friends but how I feel about things, I am exhausted I know I try to do too much but i have always been very active and wanting to do everything today, i learnt you don't need to do everything today and I definitely agree with your Mum.
I did get some good news though this week I was told Wednesday that I will be on six month check ups with my oncology team, I was on four monthly so this is good. I laugh so much because I keep getting myself lost when I travel to the hospital. I would think after two years nearly I would not keep going wrong.
Hope everyone is doing OK
_GBear Xxxx
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Hello wonderful Team Mac. I hope you are doing ok today and that the sun has been shining where you are.
Sorry I've been away for so long and have missed lots of your news - birthdays, new jobs, and some tough times too. But also holidays and sunshine and gardening - all good things! And running - well done Kate on your amazing progress 
I've had a funny time the last few weeks. The first May Bank Holiday marked the six-month milestone from the day we lost Mum. I felt lucky to have the day free from work stress, and I thought I was doing ok but then I went to a late-ish screening at the cinema and ended up in terrible floods afterwards. It was the Avengers movie would you believe! Sometimes things just cut you to the core, when they touch on an aspect of what you've been through, so that you experience something as harmless as a superhero movie in an entirely different way to everyone else in the room.
A few days after that I came down with tonsillitis (third time in ten months) and it totally wiped me out. I'd given blood a week before which left me woozy for a few days, so maybe my immune system was a bit low already. Sadly they had to chuck the blood away because of the tonsillitis, so all in all was a bit of a wasted effort! I was really sick for about a week and during that time some almighty waves of grief came crashing in on me. Mum was brilliant whenever we were poorly - as kids and as adults - so I think partly I was missing her care and consideration for me whilst I was ill. Lying around feeling terrible also leaves too much time for the brain to start going over all that's happened, and in my weakened state it all got a bit much I think.
I'm on the mend now, which is just as well as it's shaping up to be a very tough time at work for the next couple of months. I know mum would be one million percent supportive so I'll be doing my best to channel her love and wisdom when things get hard.
Really grateful to have this space to share. One of the loss support organisations has a 'connect' thing where they link you up with someone going through a similar experience of grief. I'm thinking to give it a go - although since finding you here, I've felt I already have a group can offload to who understand - an amazing thing, really, and something for which I'm hugely grateful.
Sending kind thoughts, restful sleep and happy memories to you all tonight. Peace and love to our darling mums (and our friends) who are 'only just in the next room'. Take care ladies xxx
