I wanted to share my sorrow at the loss, just a few days ago, of my incredible, brave, beloved Mum. She passed on Tuesday morning just 12 weeks after first finding out she had lung cancer. She was 69: she leaves behind my brother, 38 with a new baby, my sister, 34 and myself at 37. It's been a hard few months through the diagnostics and the promise of treatments that never came, whilst mum's pain, breathlessness and other symptoms got worse and took away her independence and her freedom. Too much waiting around for appointments left her poorly and following a two week hospital stay, her treatment plan went out of the window. We tried so hard to stay positive but the odds were just stacked against us.
Mum hated her time in the hospital so I'm so glad we were able to get her home where she wanted to be. The cancer had spread too far too fast - her primary was lung cancer in both lungs but she would point out her liver tumour, which was so large it was visible, and we know she had a small brain met too. Mum was such an incredibly strong, brave woman she was still gunning for chemo and had her first session booked in, but small mercy she didn't have to go through it as she passed the day before. She didn't want to be at hospital or in the hospice, she just wanted to be in her own home, and though she hated the pain in our eyes as we cared for her and saw her suffer, I'm so glad we were able to honour her wishes. I really think she hung on through all the pain (and there was a lot, more than most people would bear) because of her love for us, because she wanted us to know she was doing all she could, because she didn't want to give up on us. She was a strong independent lady and she always said us three children were her world. We held her hands as she passed - I don't know if she knew we were there, but we were telling her how much we loved her and how she'd been so brave, she didn't need to hold onto the pain any longer and she could go and be at peace.
The last few days, hours and moments were very hard and I keep replaying them in my head. I'm trying to push them away and remember the special parts instead but it's very hard right now. Though palliative care gave great support at the end mum really held on through great pain, as she was always a fighter. A few days before she passed she had started to say she wanted to have a quick exit as she just couldn't take the suffering any more. I didn't know what they could do but once she went on the syringe driver, it took a lot of the worst of it away (at least until the very end) and it was just the next morning that she finally left us. So there has to be some comfort from knowing she called her own time.
But all through this, there have been wonderful little moments of closeness - rubbing her back to ease a cramp, or kissing her head, or snuggling on the sofa with her and saying how much we loved each other and how we would never truly be without our mum because her love would live on in us. We've always been close to mum but her illness brought us even closer: there were no more boundaries (personal care needs make them impossible!) and we spoke openly, honestly and lovingly to each other. Her frustration at her pain and at seeing herself decline made mum snap at times but we always made it up quickly. I've got a lot of guilt, feeling I should have hidden from her how hard it was, or that I didn't do enough to help her, but she said we did - she said she saw without doubt unconditional love in the care we gave her. What a blessing to have heard those words. And I'm so glad I was able to be there over the past 6 or 7 weeks - we didn't ever know how long mum was going to have and as it turns out, every second was precious.
My sister has lived with mum for years - they are so similar and so close. She is in pieces at this loss and I'm not sure how to help her get over it. I've never experienced this kind of grief before and I have no idea how to do the next bit.
This forum has been a comfort so I'm adding my message about mum as a way of reaching out. Sending so much love to anyone out there affected by cancer or experiencing loss and grief. It's a dark, dark night of the soul and I am praying for the dawn. Let the happy memories start flooding back and let life go on again xxx
