Dreading funeral and feel left out of all the plans

hi  

you will only regret what you didn't do

if you want to be part of the ceremony you will have to speak up, it sounds as though your brothers are being very efficient and very organised, it's all new unless you're a vicar or an undertaker, they probably think you're too upset or something.

People aren't that considerate, we're usually so absorbed in our own little universe we don't stop to think about how others feel, let alone what they're thinking about.

One of my best friends committed suicide earlier this year, I can't get past the anger stage, not that I'm really that angry at her, more like slightly annoyed, I had so much planned, my youngest was almost finishing school, I'd have more time, we could visit France together, see some vineyards, drink some wine, with an academic interest, obviously, but I hadn't shared those thoughts with her and now, selfishly, I'm missing my potential traveling companion.

of course I kick myself but I am beginning to realise this is part of the grieving process, the blaming and bargaining phase

have a quiet word with your mum maybe ?

hugs, sorry you have to deal with this, more hugs

Carolyn

xxx

Thank you, I've been crying all night and this morning and only had 4 hours sleep. Just really angry and I know it's too late to say something.

My dad won't be happy with me right now for feeling this way. My brother has always been the golden child and likes to be at the centre of attention.

I have been travelling for 8 years and he always makes out he has hardly no pictures of me with dad and family saying I was never hardly around. So now there's not going to be many pictures with me and dad. 

I just feel tomorrow is going to be about how close my brother is to dad sharing his memories with dad. I probably won't get a mention and people will look at me as the black sheep.

Really upset that I am so close to not even turning up to my dad's funeral! 

Hi Amylou,

Such a tragic way to be left feeling when losing your dad but not something that should stop you going to his funeral. 

I noted your saying you'd been travelling for 8 years, I did a bit 10 yrs ago and the friends I went with stayed doing it. They've been all over SE Asia and beyond and their lives have been coloured in a way that cannot be easily explained. I only went for 6 months and I felt changed and disconnected from home life when I returned but I know it's much much greater feeling for them. Perhaps you feel that disconnection also and your family don't understand your life as compared to theirs staying home? 

It's hard to second guess the true feelings of others, particularly siblings, but I wonder whether you really need to? I've actually been a bit of a black sheep in my family (not suggesting you are) and at 49yrs I've seen all my grandparents buried, both my parents and a brother to suicide. I've witnessed poor decisions, sibling rivalries, confused wishes, minor family feuds and a bit more besides but to analyse it would mean dwelling on the tragedy of death, rather than a celebration of life. Funerals are very difficult, affect people differently and can bring out the best and worst in people.

Your standing in the family right now is less important than your memories of your dad and how you want to remember him tomorrow. I won't judge others beyond feeling for you emotionally right now but it is how you respond that really matters Lizzie. Integrity and dignity go hand in hand at funerals and they are very important attributes when facing great emotional stress. You cannot change what has happened or the arrangements made but you can be a part of it. Embrace all the difficulty by keeping your dad's memories as precious and imagine his life and your relationship with him above any petty behaviours that impact on the funeral from your siblings. 

Try to go with grace and humility, I'm sure your dad would be very proud of you doing that and it will avoid any additional stress and upset for you. 

Best wishes.

Thank you Ronnie

That all makes sense, I just can't wait for the day to be over. I have some nice memories of dad and I think my brothers forget that I had a good relationship though sometimes rocky relationship with my dad. A very typical dad and daughter relationship some moments we weren't talking from disagreements to moments were he was proud of me. The moments he was proud was when I worked away aswell as he finally came round to how hard I was working and having the best experience of life. Maybe my siblings don't see the relationship we had?

As they are boys they did a lot of boy stuff together with dad often arranging stuff without me. Also during his last year my brother took my dad on weekends away and paid for them. At the time I had not enough money to treat my dad to such memorable occasions. This also makes me sad.

I gave up my career in travel to be at home all year during my dad's final year. I was working as a waitress part time just so could be around for dad. So I was not earning a lot to treat my dad to nice things. 

At the moment I am tempted to work overseas again after the funeral has taken place. I am worried people will think it's too soon to look at jobs??

hi  

you worry too much about what other people think

truth is they don't think what you think they think, some people look like their thinking things through but really they're not thinking anything at all, or maybe what to have for tea.

you chose to stay local to your dad during his final year, that must have been a huge treat for him

now you need to find a job, or rather go back to working at what you enjoy, your chosen career, quietly reflecting on memories of your dad, looking at views or locations and wondering how he would have enjoyed them, none of us will live forever and I really hope my kids will focus on staying happy when I'm gone.

Your brothers sound like they're sorted but you mum will get lonely and when the funeral is over and the friends and family have stopped popping round to see how she is, you might find you can do something to help her, lunch, shopping trips, maybe invite her on a trip?

Nobody will expect you to turn out like a fashion parade tomorrow, it's your dads funeral but you can put your best face on and a nice coat and hat, with a veil, and turn up, and take your place with your family

If you're feeling brave ask about the seating arrangements, if not simply sit close by, you're not trying to prove anything to anyone, you're there because you care

hugs

Carolyn

xxxx

Hi Carole

Thank you appreciate your advice. It's hard when you think your on your own I feel grief makes you live in a bubble.

My brother and mum keep saying how they are tired and been too busy when on the phone to relatives etc. Just feel if they loaded anything on to me it would make them better. My brother seems to be very protective of the arrangements and gets upset if things don't go his way. It's like he's keeping himself busy to avoid the pain of grief. Though he hasn't been communicating to me about any details of the funeral. He's doing the eulogy so will be having the biggest part of the ceremony. So I'm probably a bit jealous about that as it was my dad's wishes for him to do the speech.

Anyway really going to try hard and not let all this get to me tomorrow. I'm just going to treat myself to a big glass of wine after. I'm not going to stay much for the wake because I don't think I can take a lot of hugs and condolences from so many people. We are expecting 200 people to be there! My best friend is coming with me for a bit of support so at least I can stay with her and maybe leave early at wake if it gets too much.

I definitely think 2017 will be a complete new start for me. As sad as it sounds being at home with the job I have now will be like living in the past for when it was my dad's final year just be a constant reminder of when he was ill. 

Hello amylou

We have 'spoken' before, I think. I'm sorry that you still feel excluded by your family in the funeral planning. Grief, as I am finding, comes cloaked in confusion, guilt, resentment and all sorts of less 'saintly' emotions as well as sadness. I don't think it is uncommon for family conflict to arise. Probably your brothers are feeling a similar mix of emotions. In families it's common for one person to be assigned the blame for emotions that people aren't comfortable feeling, and maybe you are unfortunately being treated as the scapegoat at the moment.

It is not compulsory to go to the funeral but I wonder if you may look back and regret that choice if it is made out of anger and resentment rather than a feeling that you can say your goodbyes in your own way at your own time. Even if you do go, at some point in the future you might find comfort in carrying out your own ritual, either at his graveside if he is to be buried, or in connection with the scattering of his ashes at a place that was meaningful to both of you.

It's none of anyone's business if you look for a job now. You don't owe anyone an explanation. it is not unreasonable to need a job. Our landlords and creditors don't care that we're grieving - plenty of people have gone back to work. If you feel that working overseas is going to suit you best at this difficult time, then that's OK.

Wishing you the strength to get through this difficult few days.

Thank you, I don't feel like I am going crazy!

I sometimes think because we have all been at home and not working it has put more emphasis on the grief and emotions.

I just don't want resentment further down the line. Being the only girl I like a bit of male attention in the family and it's very absent at the moment. I feel lost without dad. 

I am attending the funeral as don't want to upset my dad. I feel by going I will get closure and a step to move on. Though just the thought of my lovely dad being turned to ash upsets me. 

Hey Amylou. Sorry to hear youre feeling like this. I don't think you're being sour about anything. It seems a shame your brothers aren't asking you for your input. Maybe you need to speak to them and be somewhat direct with them. He was your dad too. We all have different relationships with our parents. All of our relationships are special for their own reasons. Really think you should speak to them before its too late. If you want to speak at his funeral you must tell them.

Its such a shame you feel sad about this. This is all you need at such a sad time . Speak to them quickly before its too late.

Regarding the chapel of rest. Dont feel guilty for not seeing him. I want to remember my mum in better days. And i was there when she passed so its not important for me to see her before the funeral.

Always here if you need to chat.

Let me know how you get on .

Ed x

Don't let this split the family. It's possible people are being unintentionally thoughtless - everyone is grieving. Talk to them. If they unite you then atleast you tried. Maybe they don't realize?.