From Emma Purl's sheep detecting her breast cancer to the funny side of Pet / Animal ownership they are always there for us. So, lets hear it for the critters............
How To Give A Cat A Worming Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Follow cat upstairs and retrieve cat from under the bed, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden to help.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls and spitting emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to replace net curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from windowsill and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of large drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to partner's forearm and remove blood from carpet with vanish and warm water.
10. Retrieve cat from next doors shed roof . Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in kitchen cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with finger and thumb.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink some more beer. Open a bottle of Whiskey. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot for the deep bite on thumb. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Drink another shot. Throw ripped Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Though a large hole in the curtains you see a group of people staring upwards and pointing. Call fire brigade to retrieve the damn cat from the top of a tree across the road. Apologise to old lady who clipped a parked car while swerving to avoid it. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour half a pint of milk down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of whisky. Get partner to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor injects antibiotics into your thumb, stitches fingers and forearm, removes a claw from the back of your hand and gives you an enema to clear swallowed tablet from system. Stop off at french polisher's on way home to buy some strong glue plus arrange repair of table leg and purchase new curtains and nets.
15. Get home to find £70 bill from fire service and cat curled up sound asleep on sofa and Goldfish missing…..
How To Give A Dog A Worming Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
3. Good Catch - Job done :-)
