Early days

About how your grief timeline and your family/friends are different : bryanctaylor.com/...

Went on a first date last week. Told the kids, they were very supportive - they knew how much I'd loved their mother and just want me to be happy.  Lovely lady.  Thought I'd have a nervy, awkward 30min cup of coffee.  We chatted away happily for 5 hours. A few days later she emailed to say she didn't want to pursue it - she let me down gently but I'm sure it was a) she thought 2.5mths was too soon and b) I was honest and told her she was my first date so she'd have worried it was rebound. Truth is I was extremely selective.  Gutted, but at least not feeling awkward, guilty or disrespectful means I AM ready to move on. 

DId a very difficult thing yesterday - bagged up about half her clothes.  Felt so sad doing it. Told one of my daughters what I'd done - not a good idea on top of telling her about online dating.  She was very upset but understood.  Grief is hard but moving on is no picnic !

Bizarre as it sounds only 3mths since she died, but I feel like I've reached a pivotal point - I'm actually feeling really lucky and positive. Of course, I'd rather we could have lived happily ever after but that was taken away last August when she was diagnosed. We still had some good times but then I was robbed completely 3 months ago. However, a) it wasn't a choice; b) no-one's to blame, and c) she made it as easy for us as she could - she told us not to mope around and insisted I find a new partner.

I'm feeling lucky for a whole host of reasons including - 2 lovely daughters, supportive friends, not rattling round an empty house (daughter #2 here for a while), financially OK, healthy.  Most of all, I feel lucky that it's only taken 2 months for the things which made me blub and grip  my heart and twist it (see prev posts) now have much less effect - and yet I read that other people are still in pieces 6, 12, 24 mths.  Does it mean I didn't love her as much as them ?  Don't be so ridiculous - in fact, how dare you.  Everyone's grief is different : circumstances of the death (eg terminal vs suicide vs killed), your own circumstances (eg money, job, family, age, friends etc) AND personality type (Google "Myers-Briggs" and have a look).

I'm feeling positive because I've met 5 ladies in the last few weeks, without feeling awkward or disrespectful.  I really liked one but she was nervous it was too soon (see prev post); I didn't connect with three; but the fifth - well, I've got that "heart skips a beat" feeling. She's nothing like my wife (so it can't be substitution) and I know it's quick but I don't think it's rebound because I 'rejected' three (and had been very selective in who I asked to meet).  It won't be easy for either of us : will I get upset on key dates (obviously), will I have a breakdown in X months (I don't think so but how can I know), how will she feel coming into my home, how will my family & friends react etc etc etc.  Just take it slow and see where it leads.