Early days

A month to the day since she died. Just replied to a post about the kids choosing some music and reading a poem at her funeral. Relistened and re-read. Still crying.

Back from my 1st counselling session.  Although it's good I'm moving on in small ways by doing new activities, it's apparent that I'm not going to move on in big ways until I find it easier to talk about my wife, how lovely she was, how happy we were, the things we did together.  And there isn't anyone else I can or want to have those conversations with.  On the other hand, how does vocalising those things help ?  So feel neutral about the session but let's give it another go next week.

So, it's Mothers Day and 2 months tomorrow since she died.  So a bit of reflection.

First few weeks were big, continuous pain. Then real life intervened and the pain turned into big jabs.  Now it's occasional stabs.

Only 2 months ? We were told she was terminally ill last August so I had 5 months to come to terms with losing her before she died. If she’d died instantly in a car crash 2 months ago, I’d still be in utter shock.   Not saying it's easy (it isn’t) and it’s bloody unfair.  But there’s no-one to get angry at, no-one to hate, no-one to blame. It’s happened and I either mope around or get on with it. 

Also, I've noticed that I'm finding it easier to talk about her and the wonderful times we had together.  Still well up a bit but don't choke on the words like I did in the first month or so.

So, yes, occasional stabs of pain.

My wife made it as easy as she could for me.  Right from diagnosis (Aug), she was unbelievably strong, cheerful, thoughtful, not resentful.  She was adamant that none of us should mope around after she'd gone.  She was insistent that I must make a new life with a new partner.  Both those things have helped us all enormously.  Obviously I'd give anything for us to have lived 'happily ever after' and I know it's only 2+ months since she died, but already I feel ready to start the process of rebuilding.  False dawn ?  Who knows, only one way to find out.

.... and btw, I did finally change my FB status last week. I also removed my wedding ring (put it with hers in the bedside cabinet).