Early days

Last night, did my best to chat with the kids about how we felt.  Hard.  Explained why I forced myself to go on a solo outing - they said they were sad for me but understood.  Today, they went out and I went for a walk through the woods and up on to the hill overlooking the town - we loved to sit there with a flask of coffee.  Beautiful, despite the wind and rain.  Remembered the last time she'd made it up the hill (October, before her op) and cried.  I miss her so much.

Two weeks to the day, I'm not feeling how I thought I would. I thought I'd start off in complete bits and then gradually grieve less over weeks, months and years. Actually, after the immmediate shock/tears on the day she died, it was just a few things which would set me off - the funeral hymns and readings, talking about her and reading the lovely things people said about her in their cards. Otherwise, I was holding it together - ish. Oddly (or perhaps not), as each day has passed, more things have made it hurt more often and deeper. Her things still all around the house are increasingly setting me off. Just looking over to where she used to sit. The cottage pie being not as good as she made. Photos of her. Her coats still in the hall. She was a beautiful, kind person who radiated energy and enthusiasm and who never stood still. Illogical though it is, it's only just beginning to sink in that physically she's gone forever. It's actually getting harder as each day passes.

Now 3 weeks since my wife died, and nearly a week since the funeral. I want to just slap down how I’m feeling without over-thinking it. My overriding emotions are

• Feeling completely robbed
• Still in complete disbelief
• Overriding sense of unfairness
• Still feeling overwhelmed and proud at the huge number of people who were at her funeral, and the great friends she/we have who are looking out for us (calls, invites, freezer meals ….)
• Feeling so sad that, already, she has missed out on so many normal family ‘things’ – everything from my new coat to our younger daughter getting an interview for a great job
• Feeling guilty I’m not in bits or breaking down
• Feeling guilty I’ve joined a couple of clubs to do activities and meet people
• Feeling guilty I’ve already booked two 1 week solo holidays
• Worrying about when to take down the 100+ sympathy cards

Thought about changing my Facebook status to Widowed. Couldn't do it.

Wrestled with myself about booking a holiday in June. It's not even a month since my lovely wife died. Eventually decided there'd be no 'right' time, so I booked.