Anger at the Ignorance of Others

2 minute read time.

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The other night, a couple of dear friends who were doctors invited my husband and me over for dinner after which we hung out to catch up on the latest with each other.  The wife started making small talk, asking about what’s been keeping us busy and I told her that we find ourselves living in limbo from one chemo session to the next. To this I could see her incredulous look. She continued to ask what my son's been doing and I said he’s at home if he's not in the hospital.  She couldn’t imagine that he stayed pretty much at home day in and day out pounding keys on the laptop, going out only for blood tests or occasionally with friends until it was time to check into the hospital for chemo.  Finally, when she couldn't contain herself, she made a remark about how it seems that our world has stopped and all our focus is on our son.

 

I felt the anger rising inside me as she minimized what we were going through and seemed to be flippant about it.  She couldn’t fully grasp how cancer and its treatment affects daily living.  Now, I can better understand the term living with cancer.  It’s isn’t about living with the disease but in our case, with the demands of it’s treatment.

 

We don’t coast from one chemo session to the next, marking it on our calendar like a fieldtrip or outing to look forward to.  In between sessions is this constant vigilance to see if blood counts are up or down at they should be and making sure my son has his daily medications including epo shots,stays hydrated, eats right, stays away from raw food, avoids the threat of infection, and in the midst of all these, to try to live a normal life and to find joy in each day with all its limitations.  

 

While I was talking to her, I couldn't help but think that she would never understand what we're going through and I'm grateful for this site where members understand and know where I'm coming from.

 

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Until my husband was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year I had no idea just how much it would take over our lives.

    Trips to the hospital almost daily for treatment, trying to keep infections away, acute tiredness from the treatment and the disease meaning even simple trips can't be done, siezing on a day off from treatment when he feels okay to go out. Even simple things like trips to the hairdressers or dentist take lots of planning and have had to be abandoned at the last minute.

    Holidays are a thing of the past.

    And if anyone else asks me what I have  planned for Christmas I will scream. They have no idea that we cannot plan and do have to take each day as it comes and just hope it is a good one.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    I have experience of both sides of cancer. 3 years ago my husband died of Mesothelioma and now I have bowel cancer. Cancer claimed my darling but I won't let it claim ME. I have learnt not to let cancer rule my life. I have a GOOD week which might only consist of 3 days out of 14 but they are good days when I feel almost normal and I can have my favourite tipple and eat what I like and just be me again. Cancer doesn't rule my life but it certainly lets me know I have it. But not for long not for long!!!! Love Julie XXXX

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    It was interesting to read all the posts here and see how different people are dealing with it. People are ignorant but until they are in the same position they really don't know whats it like.  My husband was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in August and people have made the appropriate noises but they are not the ones who have dealt with drugs, hospital appointments etc.  My husband used to annoy me because he just accepted it and while I tried to find out other treatments he wasn't interested.

    He was given 1 to 2 years but in fact 3 months later, on Saturday he died.

    Just try to ignore people that are unsympathetic and concentrate on those who understand.

    Love and hugs

    Stacey

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Ignorance is bliss eh!

    At first people are all over you like a rash (usually when you don't want it) as time goes by and if you look half human, they assume "you're alright now yes?".

    You have to grow fairly thick thinned on this journey unfortunately.

    Love & Strength

    Debs xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hello everyone, we just got home from the hospital and my son is doing well after chemo.  It’s like a nice welcoming party to read all your comments, there’s no place like home.  Sending you all love, peace, strength and big hugs, whether patient, survivor or carer                Rachel xx

    @Princess Fiona- People can be so tactless that way. I don’t know if I would have been able to control myself the way you did.  Nothing can match the support we get on this site.

    @Graeme- that’s true, prior to my son’s diagnosis I knew as little as anybody else who hasn’t been affected by it.  However, I still would have been more careful and considerate with my comments.

    @Naoko- Dealing with insensitive people is something we can definitely do without.  Thank you for the affirmation.  We only have 2 more out-patient chemo sessions to go and he’ll be done with treatment. Hugs to you,too.

    @Teri- Not nosy at all.  Both are doctors, she’s an obstetrician-gynecologist and he’s a general surgeon.  I guess I had the expectation that because they were already in the medical field they would understand.  Apparently, like your colleagues, being exposed to patients with cancer is a far cry from experiencing it.

    @John- Even in cancer there are so many differences from types to stages to treatment protocol to side effects of chemo and each one is affected differently.  Still, the cliché “unity in diversity” applies.

    @Jeannie-doesn’t it just get your goat??!  Like you said, “we just live the best we can…” Things are going very well, thank you.

    @Jozzy- You’ve been on both sides of the fence, so to speak.  I wish you and your grandma the best.

    @Cella113- Believe me I tried but I guess our husbands weren't comfortable about where the conversation was going so they changed the topic...

    @Tarnie- Nothing is simple anymore.  I remember reading somewhere that your oncologist becomes your travel agent for the time you’re undergoing chemo because even trips have to be planned with his/her consent. My best to you and your husband, a day at a time.

    @Julie- just as my son says,” Just because I have an illness doesn’t mean I’m sick.” May we all have more good days. Cheers to you and your staunch fighting spirit.  

    @Stacey- I’m sorry about your husband’s recent death. I can imagine what you went through caring for him but not what you’re going through now.  Thankfully, there are more understanding people than unsympathetic ones.  

    @Debs-You do have a way with words.  Seems like I still have to develop more layers…  Character-building, isn’t it?