So this is how it is.......

I am so sorry, Jen ...... sending strength and gentle hugs to you and your family. May David rest in eternal peace.

Love, Joycee xxx

Oh golly. I am completely humbled by all your kind and lovely comments. Thank you again all of you and forgive me if I don't address you individually.

Well this morning I managed the Registrar bit, but felt as though I was on another planet. I keep thinking, "Did all that really happen? Have I imagined it? Is is just a horrible nightmare?" It's all so unreal. It's weird enough being home again after living at the hospice for a while, and although it's good to be in my own comfy bed again, I don't think too much about the fact that I'm here alone. Daren't even consider that I'm going to be here alone for a bit longer........and a bit longer.........Oh whoops, I'm shrinking again. Can I stay here and hide under the duvet for the next few days please?

And all D's things are here. His clothes are on the chair, his shoes by the bed exactly as he left everything when he went to the hospice. Except his watch is now on the bedside cabinet with his glasses. Just there. Not where they usually were. Hmm. Better not look over there too often then.

And now we must think about funerals and stuff. I don't want to do this. I'm tired of being controlled and holding everything in. It's such hard work.

Today, my daughter went for a run & rang me to come & collect her as she was in so much pain. Our GP was lovely & although he didn't have any appointments left today, he agreed to see her after the end of surgery. All sorted for the moment. It's just one after the other, we take it in turns to fall apart except I daren't. Not yet. I might not be able to put the pieces together again.

And then it hits me. What's the point? What's the point of anything? What's the point of the rest of my life on my own? I'm not sure if I even want that. Oh sorry guys. How self-pitying can you be. I'll knock that thought on the head.

Oh I think I'll stop. All the worst thins are lining up at the bottom of the bed & frightening me, so I'll just give them a quick stab with the nearest pointy thing (sabre well and truly in its case these days) and try to get some sleep.

Bless you all & thanks for your support, once again.

Walk gently, dear friends, and make the best of each moment. 

Small & tired LJ. X

Jen, I am here my pal xxx

Don't apologise for feeling and saying anyhting. You will feel numb and it won't feel real and all of those things.

Gentle small small steps and you will get there and we are here walkng those steps with you every day, every hour, every minute....

The scary things won't get you from the bottom of the bed as I am there sat on it chasing them away, every night... if you get scared or see them coming, just imagine that funny Little My stood there with her hands on her hips scowling at them and chasing them away...

The phrase that gets me through these sorts of times is

This too shall pass.

and it will...

It will in time. In the meantime here were are. Together as an invisible army alongside you.

Walk gently Little Jen

Little My xxx

Hello, Little Jen.

This is the place to express All of the Feelings, and NEVER have to say sorry.

I don't take up much room so Wee Dug and I will help with the security patrol. He's got very sharp teeth for The Worst Things and is warm and loving and gentle to sad people.

Big, big, fiercely protective hugs to you.

minima x x x