Where do I begin?
My lovely man finally found his rest and truly deserved peace. And I don't know how I will ever make sense of all this, or if I will ever begin to forget the awful awful nights.
I never saw it coming, though I 'knew.' He waited till I'd left the room. Death is never how you expect and I have seen a few deaths now. As someone said today, Well, you are an orphan and a widow in the space of a year.
I cannot begin to comprehend the aggression of my loved one's cancer. What the hell was that disease? Where did it come from? How did it get there? WHY was it there? Why? Why? Why?
And now I know my David will not come back. And I just don't know what the rest of life is about and if it is worth having. And people write the most amazing emails about my man and I cry. Jesus, I cry and cry and the tears cannot wash away the pain. Will they ever? My GP rang and was so kind and said how much everyone will miss David. Could he do anything for me? I asked him to cut my head off, but he said he wasn't allowed. Shame.
I know I will get through this but I don't know how. Just now, the rain rains and rains and rains. And please tell me, what was all that about? What did it mean?
I\d better stop.
Very very very Little Jen
