shocked

well just to update you on my last blog . came back from my holidays last week and i had a fab time really really loved it. had a message on last Tuesday whilst on holiday left on my boyfriends phone saying ' this is professor Gauls assistant just to let you know we had an mgm with the surgeons and have agreed that surgury would be a good first option . we shall see u as planned in the clinic on tuesday ' . up to today i haven't been told what surgury would entail , but as an option i have been relieved its the first choice. when i saw the proff 2 weeks ago he said that this time round it was my choice . brilliant i enjoyed the rest of my holidays and let family and friends know the update . i even bought myself a set of new towels and slippers ready for hospital! then there's been today .............. speechless like the big lemon i am i've taken the 3 hour trip up to the marsden for an appointment with the surgeons . he did an internal which i wasn't expecting and said he had to go and discuss with the radiographer . at that point i could sense it was all going pair shaped .he said that the tumour had stuck to my bladder and i had 2 options. 1. surgury to remove 3/4 's of my vagina and the entire of my bladder , the i would either wee into a bag or if i was lucky they could make a false bladder so that i could have a tube that i empty !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then i would have radiotherapy ( at this point i think i was waving my arms about hysterically begging for tissues) he thinks even with this option the cancer would very definitely still come back ...finito sammio or 2.radiotherapy internal and external a review in 6 weeks and if the tumour hasn't decreased then go ahead with the surgery an option 3 where they just removed the tumour and then blasted it with radio would have been good but it wasn't gonna happen. he suggestion was that i go for option 2. so i asked why i had been told by voicemail that they would do surgery 1st and they said it shouldn't of happened and there was confusion between the 2 departments ..nice! bearing in mind it was a 3 hour journey back i don't think i'e said more than a sentance to my boyfriend , i kind of grunted to him on the train station platform that he should pack himself , the kids and the dog up and leave me , because i just can't imagine he would want a girlfriend who has to pee in a bag . i know it might not come to that if the radio works ..but it might .i know it sounds silly but it actually sounds worse then the dying option i know its not ..i love my life .. but i'm 35 i don't want my body torn apart ! so in the 5 weeks since i found out the tumour has grown anouther cm and has stuck to my bladder . i know family will be phoning asking if i have a date for surgury ... i just don't want to talk . i never imagined they would have to remove so much..maybe thats just me being a lemon and thinking my treatment would be all wrapped up in a bundle just as i want it. oh i hate this cancer