Last week my 82yr old aunt was told her ovarian cancer from 3 yrs ago had returned & was now in her liver & lung. She is in hospital & has been given weeks to live. After her original surgery (which they botched) she was so disheartened she stopped treatment half way through her chemo & discharged herself from further checkups so it's no surprise it's returned.
I thought I could deal with this but unfortunately everything seems to be becoming a big deal. Along with taking my 86yr old mother-in-law to her geriatric psychiatric appointments, ferrying relatives around to the various hospitals & getting a parking ticket at the hospital, last week was rounded off with a BANG - literally - when there was a gas explosion at the only entrance to our estate. The resulting 40ft flames, which took almost a day to extinguish, cut off access to 100+ houses & also our phones & internet access for the whole weekend.
By Sunday my stress levels blew & I woke up fighting to breathe. Since then I've been crying at the slightest thing, my breathing appears shallow & I keep getting a tightening in my chest. When it came to visiting my auntie on Monday I just couldn't do it because watching her die before my eyes in the same hospital I was in exactly a year ago just makes me face up to my own mortality - the image that I've managed to shut off for a year has now been roughly pushed in front of my eyes. I feel so selfish & I know that she, my 86yr old uncle & my parents need me there but I just can't do it at the moment. They've all been so understanding & they urge me to stay away until I'm happy I can deal with it but as each day goes by I feel worse rather than better.
How can I stop the vicious spiral I find myself in?
