Trying to take a positive path. Joined this community to find like minded poeple who will understand me & help me gain more knowledge about the choices still to make. Looking for a safe place to try this out, rather than random web searches. Also i dont feel like i am "bothering" people here. Family & friends have been there for me but i dont want to overburden them. Usually very independent, infact i am usually, "the helper". So a change in role for me, still feels strange & at times i get irritated by my neediness. So many new feelings, feel like still got a long vway to go emotionally. But hay! ! am here & i have started on my path. That feels good.
FormerMember
Wrote a deep & meaningful blog entry, then computer closes down to install something regular thingy that happens at this time each day wotsit. No warning, so lost entry.
The shortened revised version is that I am going to breast clinic support group for first time on Tuesday. I getting anxious about it. Anxious I may embarrass myself by a show of emotion. Christmas meeting so be plenty to distract, nurses said it also chance to plan what people want from group next year.
I can get emotional, voice break, eyes well up, but not cry about my diagnosis or surgery. Just a few tears when saying bye to my daughter on day of surgery.
My realisation is that I not seem to perceive the loss or experience grief.
From the first I felt lucky, lucky the mamogram timeing got the cancer early. Any sooner may have been nothing to detect. One or more years later & may have been very different outcome.
So why have I not cryed about my experiences? Is it all to come, unhealthy? Storing up trouble?
There has been process, working through, changes etc.
Seems a very flimsy thing to rely on luck. Will my luck holdout?
Surpose I need to stay rational & remember the surgery & Tamoxifen proven & definite treatments.
Decided to try the e mail ask a nurse service. Well, the page not respond when I clicked submit. Did my usual of click,click,click. Then error page appear, so thought must have been a fail.
How wrong I am!
The e mail bong went, I got 3 e mails. Went to look, they identical, all responding automatically to my sent e mail. Returned to site, then another 2 e mails,then another 1. as fast as I delete them,there's another.
Those poor nurses tomorrow,they will think got masses of e mails to read - only to discover they all same & from me.
I do hope they see the funny side of this error??!!
Good point is that it is sending me to bed with a smile on my face. :-)
Came back on line to find helpful e mail reply from nurse. Wow this site is amazing. Also at bottom of e mail was phone number if wanted to have phone conversation.
I was feeling quite despondent after physio visit today. No improvement on pain or mobility. Despite being told to rest, thought I got to get Christmas food in today & petrol in car. Does the physiotherapist not realise it Christmas?
Will be travelling back to my home tomorrow & by completing tasks today it saves me from having to go out Wednesday. Family will be staying over the holidays.
I felt overwhelmed & exhausted by my day.
Had a long chat, with the nurse, as we talked I could see a plan & strategy develope, the heaviness feeling lifted. I felt in control & coping again.
I now realise I need to take the advice to rest more seriously, If I am to get back to work in the near future I have to give things chance to heal. Physio says I have become so used to just carrying on through the pain I am damaging myself.
Had discomfort & pain since accident in mid 90's, also have other health problems which bring discomfort & pain. So used to just swollowing pain relief tablets & "getting on with it."
Only that plan not working now.
So like I have discovered before, since being diagnosed with cancer, the old ways do not work, they are not functional anymore.
There is always more to challenge us, isn't there? No more can we get away with it, no easy route for us.
I think it is only today, now, I fully appreciate just how much things have to change.
How I have to change.
Oftentimes I seem to be able to state the theory of what I should do, but it is in finding what that means in practice that I stumble.
So today it is clear to me, I need to look after myself better, to be more mindful to my health & wellbeing. Thats one practical thing I can take from todays experiences.
Postman not able get large envelope through letterbox this morning. Could tell by postmark it from my Dutch friend. Opened it as soon as closed front door, noticed Formula 1 magazine, in Dutch, my friend works for a company that sponsor F1. That must have put cars on my mind, (well, thats my excuse anyway.)
I half pulled out a packet, noticed word, Demister" & through opaque plastic saw it contained a thick yellow oblong. My friend had sent me a windscreen demister pad for the car.
Then I read further & realised the packet contained CHEESE! My friend having sent me my favourite variety. The word "Demister", merely the brand name!
I did so laugh.
Mind you it's been in the post for a week, so perhaps it best to use it for the car after all???
Friends keep us going in the most surprising ways, don't they?
I read some wise words in another members Blog, like them so much I think worth repeating. A simple Happy Christmas with the comment to "make happy nemories" this Christmas. So everyone have the best Christmas holidays you can.
