The title says it all I suppose, well that's what I was told by her last week ( not for the first time), but this time I do believe she meant it with all her heart.
You may know I've always had a difficult relationship with her in fact if I'm truthful she's bullied me all my life and although I con myself into thinking I'm a grown woman and able to deal with her never ending snide snips at me, I'm not.
But I was told of an incident that happened last week involving a good friend and mother, she relayed this story to me about mothers behaviour ( and since had it backed up by someone else) and cruel vile comments, I was shocked, embarrassed, disgusted and above all ashamed of her. I obviously can't say anything to mother because I'm not meant to know but along with her behaviour towards me and telling everyone I'm spending her pension, I'm a hard nosed poor excuse of a daughter..I just can't get passed this.
So because I do her washing/ironing/shopping/ pay the bills and I live over an hour away this is going to be difficult to sort out.
I stopped ringing her every morning at 9-30 because she refused to speak to me, so seemed bloody pointless to me.
I decided after a week of this to drive over to hers with her washing etc and dump it inside her back door, I know, I'm a coward but just can't face another run in with her..plus I'm disgusted with her so didn't want to see her.
She sent me a couple of texts(worst thing I ever did, teach her to text..she's a bloody wizard with the phone) demanding I stop the redirection of her post, which would cause mayhem with me paying her bills and to get her a debit card( another sore point) ..
Rang her this morning, she won't answer my calls.
Hubby's birthday today so got friends calling in all day off and on, tying to be happy and chirpy while all the while my stomachs in knots..I can't do it anymore, I can't cope with her, so im not going to fight anymore. She can get on with it, since I was 16 yrs old when I went to see her doctor because I didn't know how to cope with her then and he told me to Get yourself away from her my dear, because if you don't she will manipulate you for the rest of your life' !!! Wise words but stupid me knew better..pha!
Anyway I'm going on a bit but you get my point??
I didn't intend for this to be a sob story, it's not..but I do feel guilty..will I ever not?
Love and calm lives to you all.xxxx
FormerMember
Hi Mandy, Mothers and daughters can be a bad combination. I can't really offer any advice. I had a difficult relationship with my mum and then she died. I dont feel guilty about any of it as I did make my peace with her before she did... so all I would say is how would you feel if you got a call tomorrow saying she had died? If you would feel really bad, then make enough peace that you won't but not too much that has you being manipulated...
Not sure if that made sense, but I think you get my drift. Do you have any siblings to help?
Just sending you a big hug really and a gin and a deep breath...
Oh heavens, Mandy, I feel for you! I had therapy some years ago for various reasons (I thought it was because of divorce & stuff) but it turned out it was my toxic relationship with my parents that had knackered me and had a lifelong effect on everything in my life. I was horrified that as a woman in my 40s (then) I could be so feeble, but it turned out I'd never really had a proper childhood or teenagerhood so I had to do that all over again before I could get better.
You shouldn't take on the shame of what your mother says or does: you're not responsible for her actions. I say that since that was exactly what I used to do. We are different and separate from out parents. I understand the knotted stomach: I don't want anything to do with my mother now, but she's widowed and old and so on and on and on and mainly I don't want others to think badly of me so I carry on trying to be a dutiful daughter, when I will never be what she wanted me to be. It's a shit situation you're in, but you have to preserve your sanity any way you can. Don't let her run and ruin your life. You're worth SO MUCH MORE.
And lots of love and sisterly hugs from me and Wee Dug. You hang in there, girl, and concentrate on the people who love you and treat you properly. x x x
Honestly...if she died, I would be able to breath again. No I wouldn't feel bad because I've given more than she deserves.being a mother, you would have to shoot me befor I burdened my sons with all the shit she's burdened me with.
My father asked me to look after her befor he died aged 50, mother was too ill to organise his funeral so I did it, aged 16!!
On my wedding day she refused to speak to me, because I was a selfish little madam..too many things, too many bad things to go into.
I'm a lot of things but I'm not a hypocrite.
so I submit, she's beaten me.
But I have a stupidly funny husband who has the patience of a saint, and two brilliant sons who really are my best friends..so I'm very very lucky oh and two daft dogs( my babies).
Thanks girls you've helped no end..so many thanks.xxxx
What can I say; firstly you are a far better daughter than your mother deserves. I suppose we all get cranky as we get older and I should know. Your mother hasn't accepted that you are grown up and now is annoyed because you won't do her bidding.
let's look at just a few of the things you do a a dutiful daughter. Firstly you look after her money because she is vulnerable to various marketing ploys. You ensure her bills are paid and you do her washing and ironing. That is far from selfish and in return you get paid in abuse - that makes you a saint in my view.
You have your own family now and they must come first; don't let your relationship with your mother destroy that. And you have all your friends on here ready to listen and give you the support you need.
Please, please read this article. I read it yesterday in the Guardian and am going to send it to my cousin who is seriously ill now with lung cancer and a lot of metastases. His mother has never been anything like a mother to him, totally self-centred,(and made my mother's - her sister - life hell too) and when told by his daughter how ill he is she offered no sympathy & showed no concern. She was asked didn't she care at all, & replied " I gave him LIFE", as if that said it all. Well life was her one and only "gift", she always made his life hell and still does.
This article is about a mother very similar to yours and what her long-suffering daughter did to save her own sanity. I hope it will help.
