I love my missus

There is really no way to understand what she is going through unless you go through it yourself, and I can only tell you how it was for me at first dx in 99. Cancer is a scary business, but on top of that you have the surgery which makes you feel self conscious, I was married 20 years in 99, (31now) but I didn't want my husband to look at me undressed, I felt un attractive and you have to whink how it would be for you if you had surgery on your man parts, I'm only guessing, but maybe your wife is going through all the emotions of having cancer , and feeling that she is also unattractive too, so she is withdrawing to try to protect herself, I'm very lucky that my husband loves me and although we went through hell we managed to come out stronger..... People think that families pull together at times like this but it is often quite the opposite, another little known fact about cancer is that the one who is affected often feels a lot of guilt, and that they are a burden on their loved ones.....

I think it is very hard for family members, they feel helpless, useless, because it is out of their hands, but what your wife needs is to know that she is loved, and let's be honest, who else can she let her guard down with, she needs you to be strong, and when she tries to push you away, maybe just maybe she is sub consciously testing to see if you'll run..... A lot of men do

Good luck, I really hope like my husband, your one of the good guys

Liz xxxx

Hi

Your wife sounds like a very brave woman and i wish her well in her treatment. My pop was diagnosed in august with gullet cancer and like you i feel like its taken over my life.

Im only a carer for him but im there day in and day out. I find it really difficult to talk to my husband or anyone else about it (apart from on here) which is really strange as i have a very supportive husband but i think everyone sees me as the strong one when im breaking up inside and im afraid if i talk to them about it they might see that im not as strong as they thought i was. I dont know how your wifes feeling and like you i can only imagine, this is a awful thing to go through but maybe she is to scared to talk.

My husband has sat me down and told me a few home truths which at first i got really angry at but when i had a think about it he was right i am letting this take over my life and pushing him away and its wrong and thats me just being a carer so it must be so difficult for your wife.

I hope things get better with your wife and i think the counselling will help.

Good luck. Nic

Hello Pete

I had breast cancer last year.  From diagnosis to well after radiotherapy my husband was my 'rock'.  Days after the operation (and weeks before I was able to look!) all he said was: 'doesn't look too bad' the same way he would have said 'today is Monday'.  Given that he is the silent one (I'm the one always talking) that was all I needed to hear from him.  

I'm sure your wife appreciates your presence but different people react in different ways.  May be she cannot say how she feels - I still can't!  What helped me was a long chat with a MacMillan nurse over the telephone.  The nurse kept me talking for nearly an hour (bless her) and that was a relief.

Wishing you all the best to you both

Georgia XX

Hi

Have to say as breast cancer patient I agree wholeheartedly with everything Liz has said.

She maybe testing your feelings without even being aware thats what she's doing. So don't fail the test and become a statistic because you were afraid of rejection. Counselling seems a good idea and she'll now know that you want to work through things.

I must admit that I did shutdown during my treatment in order to get through it and my hubby probably felt shut out too. That's the problem when you a limited amount of energy, something suffers.

Wishing you both well. What doesn't break us makes us stronger.

Love Maxine

Thank you very much for your responses.  They will help us get through.