This roller coaster is a 24/ 7 ride, Like the weather - sunshine, showers and outright thunderstorms all in one day! Last Sunday I thought it couldnt get any worse. Ed just clung to my hand and it was all I could do to go to the loo. He was cold, then hot, shaking, light headed and confused - very frightened. We spent most of the day in bed and I held him, reliving so much of our life in my mind during those hours, but finding it hard to picture Eds face before he got so gaunt and strained.
PLEASE DONT READ ON IF YOU ARE TRYING TO BE POSITIVE.
Still Monday dawned and Ed more able to get up and try some toast to take the chemo tablets with. Immediate panic over once again. 3 days followed that were okish as we continued with various tablets, drinks and snacks. Friday was a repeat of sunday and today is not much better. Unable to take tablets and I have not the strength, emotionally, to insist. it is all just too painful. The GP called but said there was little that can be done other than to up the patches for pain.
How long must we suffer this? Ed fights so hard , i try to tell him to relax and not to worry about anything but then I am not the one who is having to let go of this world. We all say we would not want to be in Eds situation but when you are then it must be very different. he cant take the chemo so i guess it is a matter of time but Ed has some inner strength that wont let go. If an animal cant eat, has cancer and constantly increasing pain the vet helps them to die. There, ive said it, die, go to sleep, puts them out of their misery so why do humans have to go through this hell of a process.
Im all for living with cancer, fighting the demon, treasuring every moment. But there is a turning point for some patients where , when they are doped to endure the pain, the law needs to be changed. Yes I want my husband to live, but not to watch this destruction of a wonderful human being turning into a dependent shell of what he was. I now believe it is selfish to want more time when he is enduring this, I will be devasted without him but I want it to stop, STOP !
I will not post again till it has, Im sorry if I have upset anyone but this is the only place where I dare to say what I think. Please dont think too bad of me and I have always said how important this site and you good people are to me. xxxxxxx
