Fed up and scared

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

25 Jul 2011

I have a huge, mega phobia about anything to do with hospitals. I have surprised myself by having surgery, 30 goes of chemo and a port a cath fitted. The surgery worked, none of the chemos (4 different drugs) worked so my stage 4 cancer is progressing. My port a cath didn't work either so I have depended on one little vein which has now given up. After a traumatic digging around I couldn't have my treatment last week so they tried to put a PICC line in but I was so terrified I couldn't stop shaking so they didn't do it but just made a big black briuse to match the other arm. I tried treatment again today but no good, just replaced the fading bruise with a big purple lump.

Now they are suggesting that I have a general anasthetic, remove the port and put in a Picc. Trouble is I found having the GA so traumatic before, the anesthetist was horrible and the surgeon had a row with him and apologised to me for his behaviour but it still feels bad.

I have tried very hard over the last 2 and half years coping with stage 4 cancer (bowel with liver and lung mets), coping with my absolute terror so my quality of life has been eroded somewhat. I find myself wondering whether it is worth putting myself thru any more treatment which is only palliative (should it work). Trouble is it is hard to give up on your liife.

Thanks for reading, any sympathy gratefully received.

Love to all you brave people out there Jen XX

FormerMember over 13 years ago

Lots of sympathy coming your way.... and you have coped incredibly well if you think about it so don't give up now for the fear of one stupid person who should know better.... I had a PICC line done, and if you can do an op and 30 lots of chemo, you can do this one girl!! I just shut my eyes while they did it, but I'm not so scared of that kind of stuff as you. Can you get a half way house of sedation? Something to make you a bit sleepy and not bothered rather than a general?? Mind you, if they need to move the other one...maybe you need the GA. I doubt very much you will get the same anaesthetist attitude again... so dare to go for it and be brave! You can always swear at them and blame it on the drugs....We'll be with you holding your hand all the way if you do....

Love Little My
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Oh Jen

You have been Very Brave throughout all the treatments and hospital dealings over the past 2 1/2 years. You are one of my inspirations!!!

As a little girl with cancer once said: You're only brave if you do something even though you are afraid to do it. That makes you a brave inspiration!!!

Please let us know what you decide to do.

L's next CT scan is next week. (We'll get the results in another 4 weeks after that).

Sending you Tons of sympathy and Hugs!!!

Love, Maureen
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Jen,

I send you all the sympathy I have. Doing something that is very frightning to you is not easy. Close your eyes and think about the most pleasent thing that has ever happened to you,and relax. Look after yourself.

Take care and be safe Big Hugs Love Sarsfield.xx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Jen, I tried to post last week on the Triplets thread, but wrote it all out and then it got lost in cyberspace!

Jen, you really are a brave and inspirational lady, all what you've been through and overcome, dont be so hard on yourself. We all have phobias which makes things harder than what they should be, I cant believe the doctor held you down last week-what a dickhead.

I also have a phobia about GA, fear of losing control I think, my surgeon gave me some Tamazapan to relax me, didnt really worked I still cried like a baby until I was asleep.

Maybe some councelling or hypnotherapy could help you?

I really dont know what to say, I feel for you so much, just be kind to yourself and Im sure you will get there.

Sending you much love and positive thoughts, Julie xxxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Jen, I'm sending sympathy by the bucket load.

I'm not particularly scared of the anaesthetic itself, but going in for my surgery I remember lying on the table and the junior anaesthetist put a black gas mask over my face. I totally panicked and started to pull it away, but he was fighting me. The senior anaesthetist told him to take it away and asked me did I want to hold it myself. I agreed to that and was fine. I needed surgery a few weeks later and told them about my fear and they changed the mask to a clear one and let me hold it myself which made all the difference.

It's certainly worth asking about something to calm you down before going into theatre. At one time they gave everyone a pre-med sedative,but I think that has been stopped.

Good luck with it all. Let us know how you get on.

Christine xx
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