I am struggling to get to sleep again. This happened when I first found out about mum, but eased off during her chemo as I had allowed myself to believe that it would prolong my mum's life so much that there was no need to get so upset! Now the treatment has stopped I'm back to facing reality of that my mum is dying and possibly quite soon. I toss thinking about all the things I will not be able to do with my mum. No one in this world is as proud of me as my mum is and no one makes me feel as special as my mum does and I am not going to have that anymore and everyone needs their mum. I start to think over how much pain she is going to be in and how I don't want her to be going through this. She knows she is dying and she has said she is not ready to die. I want to be able to stop it all so she can carry on doing what she does best, loving her children and grandchildren. When I do get to sleep I wake up in the night having panic attacks, fear sets in, I will die, mum IS dying, my beautiful partner will die, my dogs and on and on it goes!!
I wish I had a number I could call and speak to the nursing staff my mum has access to and that I was allowed to ask them questions about my mum and get the answers without them having to tell my mum I am asking. I need to prepare myself and I don't want to talk to my mum and dad about it. I am petrified that she only has weeks left and I don't know and I miss a day seeing her because I have a very demanding job which involves saving he lives of other people and other peoples relatives! The hospital have scheduled her another hospital appointment in 5 weeks so surely they expect her to be around then otherwise they would not have made the appointment so far in advance?
She has been diasgnsed now 4 months with advanced lung cancer and I believe this is quite good going from what I have read on the internet.
Oh a million and one questions wizzing around my head!!!!
FormerMember
Hey,
I know how it feels, the more you think about having to sleep, the more you can't! Best to relax, have a bath... glass of wine and just chill out. It helps.
I am lucky, I am managing to have some sleep but I can understand how you are feeling, you don't know which way to turn but you need to have some rest to deal with it all. You have to be strong for your mum and dad. It is a vicious circle, my two daughters, son in laws and 4 grandchildren are all worried about their dad/bamper. This in turn makes me worry about them worrying as well as dealing with my hubby. My way around this now is to say to myself......nothing has happened yet! We are fighting this horrible cancer, we are doing something at least. Maybe this is how your parents are thinking. If you do want to speak to someone about it, try phoning the Consultant's secretary and ask for an appointment to speak to him/her.. Try to stay strong for mum and dad, I know it is hard. And never forget, you have obviously made your mum proud of you, all your life........and afterall that is what counts....you should have no regrets on that score. Not all daughters can say that!
I also can understand how you feel,I am caring for my husband at home and especially my daughter is very angry that her dad is dying,I know she isn't sleeping well and has so many concerns that her dad doesn't know how much she loves him.I don't sleep at all well as I get up numerous times to check him,I sleep in the same room downstairs (I am wheelchair bound)so it is easy to watch him!I can't remember when I last had a nights sleep!
Your mum is extremely proud of you just keep that uppermost and just carry on making her proud by being strong for her.The oncologist that supposedly cared for Tony did nothing,gave us no hope and no time scale and were very unhelpful,he was given an appointment for 6 weeks ahead back in March so they didn't expect him not to be around,he is still here but very ill now.
I TOTALLY understand you wanting to know your mums prognosis, and I understand you being scared you might loose her sooner than you expect to. How old is your mum? Does your mum know her 'prognosis'? I guess if she does you could ask her about it, but then she might not want to talk about it. My family didnt want to know my sisters 'prognosis' so, like you, I have no way of finding out anything more... very frustrating.
My mum is 65 and the only certain thing is that it is terminal. My mum and dad chose not to know anymore because they don't want it hangin gover their heads. I can understand this but I am a person who deals with things better if I have all the information. I only fret when I don't have all the facts.
I truely hope that your sister fights as hard as she can and that she pulls through this. It must be so hard for you. As much as I do not want my mum to go, the thought just reduces me to pieces, it is the natural way round, elder generation etc etc, just not quite this soon, she should have more years left, but for you this is all wrong your sister is too young and should be worrying about who fancies her or what career she wants, not battling this dreadful disease. You must feel so frustrated by it all and the anger you must feel.
I run race for life every year and when I put on my running shoes this year I will run it with a passion for my mum and I will say a prayer for you and your sister also.
