I am struggling to get to sleep again. This happened when I first found out about mum, but eased off during her chemo as I had allowed myself to believe that it would prolong my mum's life so much that there was no need to get so upset! Now the treatment has stopped I'm back to facing reality of that my mum is dying and possibly quite soon. I toss thinking about all the things I will not be able to do with my mum. No one in this world is as proud of me as my mum is and no one makes me feel as special as my mum does and I am not going to have that anymore and everyone needs their mum. I start to think over how much pain she is going to be in and how I don't want her to be going through this. She knows she is dying and she has said she is not ready to die. I want to be able to stop it all so she can carry on doing what she does best, loving her children and grandchildren. When I do get to sleep I wake up in the night having panic attacks, fear sets in, I will die, mum IS dying, my beautiful partner will die, my dogs and on and on it goes!!
I wish I had a number I could call and speak to the nursing staff my mum has access to and that I was allowed to ask them questions about my mum and get the answers without them having to tell my mum I am asking. I need to prepare myself and I don't want to talk to my mum and dad about it. I am petrified that she only has weeks left and I don't know and I miss a day seeing her because I have a very demanding job which involves saving he lives of other people and other peoples relatives! The hospital have scheduled her another hospital appointment in 5 weeks so surely they expect her to be around then otherwise they would not have made the appointment so far in advance?
She has been diasgnsed now 4 months with advanced lung cancer and I believe this is quite good going from what I have read on the internet.
Oh a million and one questions wizzing around my head!!!!
