How I feel

Starshine - Know what you mean about the guilt (& frustration & anger too). It's when people say to me that 'you must be strong' that I think yes I know - probably go to the extreme & look so 'strong' I may seem uncaring. Beleive me inside I'm on a hair trigger and doesn't take much to tip me over the edge - bit like them rocking birds that used to dip in the water (showing may age now). Tend to have my moments when I'm on my way to work - classical music on to calm me down or out walking the dog. Everything else gets bottled up and things get dealt with whilst my sister leads her 'normal' life. My only guilty feeling is not having time to do what we want- a holiday would be heaven (just a weekend would do). Instead me & hubby try & make a couple of hours out walking for our 'quality' time which is ours (& the dog's) only. I feel guilty thinking about things I should be doing, but after escaping it does do us good & kind of refereshes you. If I'm really honest and I do hate saying this, it's the feeling I'm taken for granted & a little more thought about things would be nice so I can organise around it. You can hate me for saying it (& I hate myself) , but it does creep in & then it's gone again as I think what the hell - just get on with it & deal with it as I've surprised myself with what I can do with less sleep. At least I'm losing weight so it's saved me Gym fees.

Jewels XX -

I feel pleased this morning that our little ten year old managed to stay out at a sleep over party. She has found it very hard Daddy being unwell, and finds it very difficult to stay away, incase something happens. With reassurance, a mobile for texting me (she nearly didn't manage it!!)   But how proud am i, that she did.  She wont be home until late afternoon as the girls have gone off on a birthday treat, but whatever mood she comes home in, she managed it, and i can't wait to give her a massive big hug. x x

I'm glad a little normality crept into your life Starshine, letting your little girl go on a sleepover. I often feel overwhelmed by coping with caring for my husband who has terminal cancer. We don't know how long he has and try to fit in some normal things but he is often too ill to do much. It feels as if our precious time together is slipping away too quickly.

I try not to show how frustrated I am and how exhausted I become but it's hard. Like Jewels, a day or a weekend away seems a far off dream and to think that this time last year we took all that for granted.

Look after yourself

love Tarnie

It's good to find this thread of the site as I have only read cancer patients' posts before.

Anyway, a lot of my thoughts are echoed here  -  the bravery of my husband and his positive attitude.  Sadly, that seems to be slipping away as, since his latest surgery two weeks ago, his frustration and lack of mobility are really getting to him and for the first time in our forty year marriage, he has shouted at me in exasperation and pain.  I know why he is doing it and understand however I do get illogically hurt as all I am trying to do is to help him.  We  seem to be losing our "coupleness" and becoming beligerent patient and carer.  IF ONLY HE COULD WALK!

I

JannieWal,

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

It's very difficult when loved ones take their frustrations out on us, we know that people can often hurt the ones they love, it's a natural reaction, but nevertheless hurtful.

The whole changing cancer journey is a painful process.

The way i cope, mostly,  is to take one day at a time.

Linda x