I don't know why I should feel compelled to put it in writing maybe its because if I say everything thats in my head to one person its overload and i will go under. Its hard [as i am sure everyone knows] to really let go when i have days where everything seems black. i have a good family and fantastic mates but there is only so much they can understand and sympathise with. iread on someones blog about being in a dark place I suppose only those who have faced this truly knows what it means. I just feel I have to put that down . I will be going for a bone scan and a ct scan tomorrow cos i have 4 lymph nodes involved apparently if it was only 3 i would not have a scan 4 is the cut off point,i know the line has to be somewhere but it doesn't stop the worry then if everything checks out i will start chemo on thurs i felt i had to unload before i go to bed on a large g&t as it might be the last one i have for a while.
FormerMember
Hi there - if it helps we've all been there. Some days you feel like you can cope with everything - others you just can't. On particularly bad days I tell my self "a day is only 24 hours and it'll be better tomorrow" - sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't but then the day after seems a bit better. Eventually you pick up and all seems a bit brighter. You just have to go with the flow and listen to your feelings. I'm lucky that people around me seem to understand. I found one of my greatest comforts was my horse Charma and also my dogs. They don't make assumptions and are quite happy to "listen" (?) (maybe you have to be an animal lover to understand) . Them just being there and being their usual selves seems to help. Horses have deep souls and seem to know when you need a bit of cheering up. I used to go and sit on a log in the field and Charma and her friends would gather round and give me their strength. Sounds mad, but it helped me. Some days your world seems very, very small - on the bad chemo days I used to sit in our conservatory looking out wondering if I'd ever get the strength to get out into the garden. When I started to pick up again in the cycle then I could go a bit further afield and on some days I even had the strength to ride (Consultant wasn't too happy when she found out but realised that some people can't do as they are told!) Keep a diary and then you can look back at your progress. A friend of mine told me to look for 3 good things in every day (she'd had counselling) and I found that helpful. If there were days when I couldn't then I used to save them up - I don't think you're supposed to do that but so what - you just please yourself . There are no rules in this club - the one you didn't ask to join and for which there is no waiting list to get into.Take care x
Hi horsewoman, I am new to the site also. Like you I am discovering the wonderful supportive people here. Hope all goes ok & send you strength & best wishes. I relate to your comment about expressing feelings here. I dont feel like I bothering folk here. Also late evening is often when my thoughts have time & quiteness to develope. No one I would want to trouble at this time. But it fine to chat & write here whatever the time. A truth that has just occured to me is that I know a gift my dog brings to me is to remind me that it is important to live in the moment. I guess horses also live in the moment? So when future looks black perhaps that is when we should live in the moment & find the joy in that. I am going to try to remember this & I hope it helpful to you also.
