Part 2 - Opinions and memory loss

All perfectly normal... its called grieving!

I have lost quite a few family members over the years to cancer and some I cried for, and some I didn't and appeared to carry on as normal..  it actually was the ones I cared for most deeply that I cried less for...

Of course you are not normal inside and the memory thing and drifting off is an example of the distraction and grief that you are feeling inside if not showing it outwardly except for the not listening etc and people will understand that one perfectly.

I don't think anyone thinks you are unfeeling at all and you are quite normal. Don't feel you need to explain. to them either... 

Recently, I had similar things with my cancer diagnosis...  lots asking me how I was coping and not crying and how could I be so positve and laugh etc and going out and to work etc (while I could) and my comment was What else am I meant to do? Lie in bed and wait to die? Not the most subltle and not one I would recommend, but that was how I felt, get on with life or what??  In a way you are the same..  what else are you meant to do?

I also felt guilty that people saw me in town just after I finished my treatment and I thought they would be thinking I was being a shirker and if I could go out for coffee, then why wasn't i back at work? I think you would tell me that was a mad thing to think and of course they wouldn't have been thinking that, so I would say the same to you. .. we think we are seen in a way we are not when we are struggling.

I think people don't know what to say in these situations so the 'I don't know how you do it, I would be in bits' comments are a way of saying something to you in admiration cos you are doing what people are scared of and they don't think they can do it and of course we hope they don't have to find out that they can do it, as can you... Those that have done it, know its fine to do whatever works and is normal for you... so you are normal and I am rambling... so I will stop.

You are doing just fine in my book!

And a big hug to you

Little My x

Do you know, some of those sound like really impertinent questions to me, and I'd be inclined to tell the people in question it was none of their damn business. In the real world, of course, you can't really do that, you have to be Nice. And, after all, they probably mean well. When bad things happen, people feel they need to say something - but no-one ever knows the right thing to say, in fact it's quite possible that there is no right thing to say.

Anyway: no, of course you're not a horrible person. You're a person who's going through a horrible time, which is a quite different thing, and you get through it the way we all get through it - whatever way works for you.

The memory loss is a side-effect of shock/stress/grief, I suspect. If it worries you, get into the habit of carrying a notepad with you and writing things down. Of course, then you have to remember to look at the notepad ...

- Hilary

xxx

All perfectly normal Wombat. After weeks of 'I don't know how you're coping, I'd never manage it if it was my dad' I eventually snapped with someone and informed them that you cope because there isn't an option for plan B, the one where they hadn't just died of terminal cancer because if there was, I wouldn't be indulging in this crap would I? I think word got round because people said it a bit less after that but it is a really dumb thing to say. What's the option? Not coping? Well that wouldn't really help anyone any would it? Wouldn't change anything or bring him back if I suddenly decided I couldn't hack it any more and ceased functioning, it'd just make things harder for eveyone else. But then people feel they can say whatever they like when someone has cancer, I remember telling my aunt that my dad's cancer was terminal and she turned round and said (based on sod all knowledge at all and no medical evidence)  'I knew it would be and I'm telling you, it's in his brain as well and that won't go well'. I was furious. And she kept saying it as well, over and bloody over. At one point my I had to be removed from a room to avoid an explosion. And the number of people who've seen me cry, the start of the funeral aside, is 6. Mum, my husband, my brother and my three closest friends. That's it, Oh and anyone who was around Tebay on the M6 when the 2 week anniversary of the exact time of his death occurred while I was driving to Carlisle.

The memory loss is normal as well, I was properly forgetful for a while, I still have a few moments of it. I'd completely forget I'd spoken to people, had no idea whose texts, emails or calls I'd returned, would turn up at Tesco having forgotten what I went there for and would forget to turn up to work and social events. It was a proper pain in the behind but it does start to come back to you after a bit!

Grief is a funny beast but never fear what other people think, unless they've been there or been around it they won't understand and anyone, it's your grief, not theirs, you're entitled to deal with it on your terms. Stay strong and remember you're not on your own, we're all travelling this sorry cancer road together. Strength in numbers and all that....love Vikki x

 Thanks guys, it is good to know I am normal - well as normal as I can be!!

Little my - you are right it is a mad thing to think - people were probably just so pleased to see you out and about and thinking nothing of the sort! And you are so right you can't just sit and home and wait, if I learnt anything it is that life is both short and precious and we should live it to the full every day (well maybe not every day but you get my point!)

Hilary - believe me I am so so tempted to say well I'll just collapse in grief here on the floor now shall I!! But that’s not me (sadly) and I would hate to upset everyone so I just keep trying to explain as I know deep down people mean well.

Thanks for making me laugh too I liked the notebook comment!! - Although was reading in my lunch hour so did get a couple of funny looks but hey ho!

Thank you for replying to my ramblings

Take care, hugs to all

xx

Vikki -  we sound very similar - I too am of the school of thought where you either cope or you don't and I don't really get what my plan b is supposed to be apart from being a heap on the floor and I am not sure how that would help me or anyone else for that matter! And I am not that sort of person anyways.

I too have also been removed from a room as I am about to explode at someone - I went for a long walk in the rain with the person who had removed me (as they could tell what was about to happen) and the situation had calmed upon my return! But people do say the strangest things.

The crying thing is odd because  (I don't know if this is just me)  whenever I cry (which has been about three times except at the funeral and in the hospital) people seem to cry along with me! Almost like sympathy tears which is lovely as people care so much and are so sad for you but not overly helpful at times! (As the people are crying for me not for my mum)

Grief is indeed a personal journey, this site is becoming a great support and sanity check for me!

Stay strong and take care

xx