What’s wrong with me?

1 minute read time.

23 Dec 2021

Apart from the blooming obvious, what’s wrong with me.

I’ve been reading a variety of blogs and forums since being diagnosed. They’ve all been really helpful and given me information that I didn’t want to find from Google alone, it’s never a good idea to go down that rabbit hole.

But, I’ve released that they are all emotional, some good, some bad but all have emotion in them.

Sad. Angry. Fuming. Raging. Nervous. Anxious. Tearful. Confused. Bemused. Lost. Scared. Hopeful. Optimistic. Concerned. Overwhelmed.

You get the idea.

This is where I think there is something wrong with me, it’s been 14 days and I have had no emotional reaction. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. F**k all.

Well, actually, is calm an emotion? I feel calm. Matter of fact. Someone suggested I was stoic? Someone else said I will cry soon (how far away is soon - I know I’ll cry watching Christmas Day Call the Midwife but I’m not sure that’s what people mean) but what if I don’t?

What if I just get on with it and never face up to and emotionally deal with this shitshow?

I've been told that I will feel rough as anything after my first chemo next month and that I will definitely cry then. Sure, but won’t that be because we all cry when we feel like shit?

Surely, the news that I have breast cancer should have hit me right in the emotions by now?

cupboardlove over 2 years ago

I'm like you. I've had lots of things thrown at me and seemed unemotional. I've watched my friends crying about me and found myself patting and reassuring them. But every now and then tears will rudown my face, once I actually cried for a good half hour solid. I've been on this road for a year, just plod on, don't analyse your emotions, believe me, they are there, just don't worry about whatou expect yourself to feel and just take it a day at a time. Merry Christmas
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cupboardlove over 2 years ago

I don't know where all those Father's christmas emojis came from!! sorry!
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Irishgirl16 over 2 years ago

I cried a little a couple of times, mostly out of frustration. I think we're all different and our bodies and minds have their own ways of coping in the right way for us. I am also a real believer in the power of positivity. Just be yourself xx
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Lou M over 2 years ago

I hear you loud and clear. I went for my 'check' at the hospital and came away having had a mammogram (well, several actually), ultrasound and biopsy and a chat with a breast care nurse for good measure. In short, I came away basically knowing I had cancer but having to wait for it to be officially confirmed. My friend cried buckets of tears when I told her. My parents didn't cry in front of me, but I have no doubt that tears were shed when I wasn't there. I had surgery (lumpectomy) on 3 December and took that in my stride and have felt pretty much fine since then. I had to have an ultrasound of my liver because my MRI showed 'something' - that turned out to be a cyst (no treatment required), thankfully. Now I am waiting to go and see what's next - from talking to my breast care nurse, it seems that radiotherapy and hormone treatment is the most likely step. But throughout, I have been pretty much calm. Before my diagnosis I was much more stressed than I am now. Am I weird? Am I 'not dealing with things'? I know that my friend thinks that I should be crying etc but that is never my 'normal' reaction, so why start now? I am pragmatic, I am stoic - that's how I deal with things.
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