Today here on the Community News we wanted to share with you the third volume of our series ‘My journey through breast cancer in verse and word’ by Amanda-Jayne. Amanda-Jayne was diagnosed with breast cancer in June 2019 and used poetry and journaling to diarise her experience throughout. Amanda-Jayne has very kindly sent through her poetry and writing to us here and we are really pleased to be bringing you this series. In her writing Amanda-Jayne talks openly about her thoughts and feelings through diagnosis and treatment. If you missed the last volume of Amanda-Jayne’s blog, click here to catch up.
‘….I am told it helps to put all your worries and anxieties onto paper, that way they are out of your head and you can sleep better, writing them, down won’t solve your worries but it can help to clear your mind and help you relax. Hope it works, goodnight!
10th July 2019
Been sleeping better so it does work. Today was one of those days, woke up feeling down and weepy, then had a day where nothing went right, and I kept forgetting things. My anxiety overwhelmed me and I was feeling very scared about how I am going to look after surgery, didn’t think it would bother me but it does, I am having some of my womanhood taken away, my husband says he will still love me but will I still be able to love myself and see myself as beautiful? There is still one week to go, feeling more scared as it draws nearer but just want to get it over and get rid of this lump once and for all.
"I need to just take it one step at a time and keep reminding myself that one step at a time is enough."
The waiting is hard, I know I will get there but it’s the journey ahead that scares me. I need to just take one step at a time and keep reminding myself that one step at a time is enough.
14th July 2019
The last 3 weeks have been the longest 3 weeks of my life, I keep feeling the lump every time I bathe and dress, I keep wondering and worrying about what it’s doing or not doing, is it growing? Has it spread? I try to stay positive but it’s so hard. As the op draws closer, I feel more and more scared which is allowed. Will be glad once the op is over and I can start to recover before radiotherapy starts.
26th July 2019
What a journey, had op but unfortunately had to go back to theatre the following day as I developed a haematoma (build- up of blood) which had to be drained. Now on the road to recovery, trying to get appetite back and energy levels up. Felt very tearful and down yesterday but feel a little more positive today.
"I have been discharged from the early discharge nurses care who have been fantastic."
Been discharged from the Early discharge nurses care who have been fantastic coming in everyday seeing to my wounds and drain, just started second half of my exercises, a bit stiff but I think I will get there.
28th July 2019
Well, made it to Enabled (A music school for people with disabilities, where I met my husband), feels good to be here. Still feel a little woozy but getting there. I have never felt so tired in all my life.
29th July 2019
Feel a little stronger today, pain a bit more bearable, appetite slowly coming back. Be glad when I have my full strength back again just hope I don’t lose it again when I start radiotherapy.
30th July 2019
Overdid it yesterday now feeling the full weight of fatigue, it feels like jet lag. It is so debilitating and frustrating, felt very tearful and low, cannot see any light at the end of this tunnel yet.
2nd August 2019
Made it through the week at music school and the final festival. Feeling stronger but still very tired and wobbly. Eating better and felt hungry for the first time today.
7th August 2019
Went for follow up appointment today, very pleased with how I am healing.
The most wonderful moment was being told I am cancer free, so stunned and relieved.
"The most wonderful moment was being told I was cancer free so stunned and relieved."
Now must face 4 weeks of daily radiotherapy and daily hormone tablets, more nervous about the hormone tablets then the radiotherapy, I am so thankful for all the surgeons and nurses have done for me to get me this far. I am now seeing a light at the end of this tunnel but there is still a way to go.’
We want to thank Amanda-Jayne for sharing her story with us, we will be sharing more of her journal entries and poetry over the next few weeks. Poetry can be a really powerful way of expressing yourself, and if you have any poetry that you want to share with the Community on any subject, we have a group called ‘Express yourself’ where you can share anything you have created.
