Wasn't going to bother with a blog - but after joining a couple of the chat rooms on here thought it might be a useful way of getting stuff out of my system. I feel a bit of a fraud as I dont have cancer myself. I gave up a business that I dearly loved to care for my mother in law (Babs) who came to live with us last November. She was really ill when we went to visit her and I couldnt bear to leave her in her unkempt warden controlled flat and brought her home. She has been here ever since. She became more and more ill and was wrongly diagnosed with bladder infections etc and it wasnt until I took her to casualty after she had lost so much blood that she was diagnosed with bladder cancer and operated on straight away. Luckily, we had an old annexe at the bottom of the garden - we've converted it for her and called it "Babsies Boudoir". She has a tv, music,kettle etc down there, shower and toilet so she can have her own space and me and my husband get some privacy too. I've put pictures of all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren up on the wall plus photographs of Bette Davis, Jean Kelly and all the old hollywood greats. She was a dancer - tap and ballet - and loves to reminiss. She has a chiropodist, a massuer and a manicurist come once a month - it gives her a boost and its people for her to talk to as well - I take it out of her pension money so that its not available income - but this doesnt seem to matter - we still struggle daily with benefits/social services etc. She comes up to the house for all her meals and when she feels like it. Its a good situation for all of us - I know we're really lucky but I get so low sometimes what with the news that her BCG treatment didnt work and she has to go back in for another scrape next week and more treatment. "Will it work this time do you think Annie?" she said to me with tears in her eyes. "Well lets hope it does" I replied - but really dont think it will. Finding it hard to be positive - she's 82 and doesnt want to be pulled about like this - but her daughters hit the roof when i said we should ask the doctors what kind of timespace she has and see if the treatment outweighs how she feels and see what she wants to do - I think they are being so selfish - they want her to have all this treatment for themselves - just so they dont have to face it - it's not fair on Babs she needs to do what's right for her - let her have a bit of say in the matter. They dont see her in pain, they dont see her staring into space, deep in thought with tears coming down her cheeks. I am the only one who sees that. Sometimes we just sit and have a little cry together - crying now typing this. And then theres finances etc. We are so in debt due to me giving up work and the carers allowance just isnt addequate to pay off all our loans credit cards etc that were easy to pay when i was working. We have court cases pending and defaults mounting - one guy from BT asked me the other day when I thought my mother in law would be dying so I could return to work and start paying again! . I feel sorry for Babs too that shes got stuck with me as a carer - I was never lucky enough to have children so have never really had to look after anyone before and I get it sooooooo wrong sometimes!! Babs has two daughters, one lives too far away to help and the other just doesnt bother (and yes, Babs thinks the sun shines out of her XXXX and shes a much better cook than I am and much cleaner than I am, oh and much more fun than I am etc etc.) This absolutely infuriates me... but gotta live with it. Just read this back and I sound so angry! But it's good to get it out in the open as I dont feel I can put all this on my husband (who has just been told he's got a hernia and cysts under his arms). My mum and dad are so supportive, but again they are both in their seventies and are recovering fro heart surgery, gout, oesterperosis etc etc. I am just so fed up looking after everyone...but you cant say that...they feel guilty enough that you are anyway...Feel like I'm losing my personality, losing who i am in all this and am going to have some counselling/mentoring next week. Have started making flower brooches out of scraps of material just to do something creative and grab back that side of me! PHEW... that feels better!
FormerMember
Thanks for your kind words and understanding. I have only been using this site for a few days and have felt it really helpfuI. am not normally this morose but today has just been one of those days! But what a relief to come on here and be really encouraged. I have joined the carers group on here and looking forward to getting to know everyone. Thanks again for your kind words, love Annie x
Thanks for your kind words and understanding. I really wish her daughters would help more but one lives over 100 miles away and can only help out when she takes time off work - but to be fair she has helped more than "C", the one just 30 miles away. in the 14 months that we have had Babs I have managed to get her to have her mum for a whole two weeks! My dad paid for us to go away for five days and boy did we need it! She doesnt even phone Babs for months on end and if babs wants to go and stay I have to drive her there and collect her as the drive is "Just too much" for C. The last time babs did go C took her to the postoffice and drew all her pension out to pay for the heating and food for her 5 days! I wouldnt mind but Babs said the heating went off at 8 and back on at 4 whilst they were at work. I just cant understand this families dynamics. I am lucky I suppose that I have come from a very loving family and cant get my head round how she can be so cold towards her mother and just so darn unhelpful to me and her brother. Sorry, I am not normally this morose but today has just been one of those days! I have joined the carers group on here and looking forward to getting to know everyone.Thanks again for your kind words, love Annie x
Thanks for your kind words and understanding. Its good to hear of others experiences and tips on how to deal with stuff. I think there will be a lot of guilt at the end, this families dynamics are not good and I am not looking forward to the fallout at all. Thank you for your prayers, I need a guardian angel praying for me right now! . I am not normally this morose but today has just been one of those days! I have joined the carers group on here and looking forward to getting to know everyone. Citizens advice have started to help us - so I am sure that things will improve - it's just I am sooooooo impatient! - as I said today was just a bad day. Hopefully I'll soon stop moaning long enough to offer help to someone else! Thanks again for your kind words, love Annie x
Thanks for your kind words and offer of support. I have just read your blog about energy tarrifs so I am going to get onto them first thing in the morning. I find it helps to have set things to do each day. . I am not normally this morose but today has just been one of those days! I have joined the carers group on here and looking forward to getting to know everyone. I wrote to the Ombudsman about the BT guy and citizens advice have started to help us now too - so I am sure that things will improve - it's just I am sooooooo impatient! - as I said today was just a bad day. Also, we've never been in debt before or had to rely on state benefits and this is just a nightmare to get through. Thanks again, love Annie x
I was thrilled to hear things are sounding more positive for you all and help is improving for your situation. It sounds as though you are doing all the right things and being very methodical. Yes there will still be days when you feel very angry about your situation, but one way to put things back into perspective is to think "where would Babs be and what would life be like for her if you hadn't intervened?" In that awful warden controlled flat! Think of the difference you make to her life everyday and how much happier she must be living with people who love her and care enough to make her life that bit more comfortable and worry free.You may feel it's a thankless, tiring task looking after everyone and being positive for them when you really want to just please yourself, but you reap what you sow and if you don't find the rewards in this life you will certainly find them in the next.
Your SIL up the road sounds very selfish making sure she isn't out of pocket or inconvenienced while looking after Babs!! It must make you very angry? But I think I feel quite sorry for her, look how much she is missing out on with her attitude. It certainly beggars belief!!
I wish you well Annie and hope things continue to improve for you all. Take care and keep your chin up.
With love and best wishes from Guardian Angel.....xx
