Wasn't going to bother with a blog - but after joining a couple of the chat rooms on here thought it might be a useful way of getting stuff out of my system. I feel a bit of a fraud as I dont have cancer myself. I gave up a business that I dearly loved to care for my mother in law (Babs) who came to live with us last November. She was really ill when we went to visit her and I couldnt bear to leave her in her unkempt warden controlled flat and brought her home. She has been here ever since. She became more and more ill and was wrongly diagnosed with bladder infections etc and it wasnt until I took her to casualty after she had lost so much blood that she was diagnosed with bladder cancer and operated on straight away. Luckily, we had an old annexe at the bottom of the garden - we've converted it for her and called it "Babsies Boudoir". She has a tv, music,kettle etc down there, shower and toilet so she can have her own space and me and my husband get some privacy too. I've put pictures of all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren up on the wall plus photographs of Bette Davis, Jean Kelly and all the old hollywood greats. She was a dancer - tap and ballet - and loves to reminiss. She has a chiropodist, a massuer and a manicurist come once a month - it gives her a boost and its people for her to talk to as well - I take it out of her pension money so that its not available income - but this doesnt seem to matter - we still struggle daily with benefits/social services etc. She comes up to the house for all her meals and when she feels like it. Its a good situation for all of us - I know we're really lucky but I get so low sometimes what with the news that her BCG treatment didnt work and she has to go back in for another scrape next week and more treatment. "Will it work this time do you think Annie?" she said to me with tears in her eyes. "Well lets hope it does" I replied - but really dont think it will. Finding it hard to be positive - she's 82 and doesnt want to be pulled about like this - but her daughters hit the roof when i said we should ask the doctors what kind of timespace she has and see if the treatment outweighs how she feels and see what she wants to do - I think they are being so selfish - they want her to have all this treatment for themselves - just so they dont have to face it - it's not fair on Babs she needs to do what's right for her - let her have a bit of say in the matter. They dont see her in pain, they dont see her staring into space, deep in thought with tears coming down her cheeks. I am the only one who sees that. Sometimes we just sit and have a little cry together - crying now typing this. And then theres finances etc. We are so in debt due to me giving up work and the carers allowance just isnt addequate to pay off all our loans credit cards etc that were easy to pay when i was working. We have court cases pending and defaults mounting - one guy from BT asked me the other day when I thought my mother in law would be dying so I could return to work and start paying again! . I feel sorry for Babs too that shes got stuck with me as a carer - I was never lucky enough to have children so have never really had to look after anyone before and I get it sooooooo wrong sometimes!! Babs has two daughters, one lives too far away to help and the other just doesnt bother (and yes, Babs thinks the sun shines out of her XXXX and shes a much better cook than I am and much cleaner than I am, oh and much more fun than I am etc etc.) This absolutely infuriates me... but gotta live with it. Just read this back and I sound so angry! But it's good to get it out in the open as I dont feel I can put all this on my husband (who has just been told he's got a hernia and cysts under his arms). My mum and dad are so supportive, but again they are both in their seventies and are recovering fro heart surgery, gout, oesterperosis etc etc. I am just so fed up looking after everyone...but you cant say that...they feel guilty enough that you are anyway...Feel like I'm losing my personality, losing who i am in all this and am going to have some counselling/mentoring next week. Have started making flower brooches out of scraps of material just to do something creative and grab back that side of me! PHEW... that feels better!
FormerMember
Hi Ive just read your blog, and in my humble opinion, you seem like a very caring and loving person. I hope I have someone like you around me if/when the time comes. Dont put yourself down, it sounds like you are doing a great job. And as for the debts, there's worse things that happen in life, its only money at the end of the day, they may take you to court, they may threaten and make you feel humiliated but at the end of the day they can't put you in prison or take your life and family away from you! Just tell them to go boil their heads and do their worst. Keep your chin up.
It is just as bad for carers. Everyone knows that if they have cancer. I don't think you need to worry about Babs' daughters. What she wants goes. She is the patient, she makes the choices. If you want to make it easier for her, you just need to help her to find out all her viable options. If your husband wants to know too, bring him into the loop. Just because he is ill himself doesn't mean he doesn't want to worry about his mum instead. If you three can agree on that, let everyone else do their own thing.
Let Babs' daughters pay her debts if they are so keen to interfere. You might find your hobby becoming a bit lucrative. Just do it to relieve your feelings, but do it as well as you can. Someone might want to buy them.
Talk to the Macmillan Nurses, they have more knowledge of cancer benefits. There may be some you are missing out on. The power and water companies can't cut you off because you have a pensioner in the house. Or rather, if she is on her own supply they can't cut her off. Can she get pension credit? How about DLA for cancer sufferers?
Let tomorrow take care of itself. Just make sure that the bullies know that your MIL is over 80 and she has cancer. Make them write to you acknowledging that they know this. Refuse to speak to anyone on the telephone. Tell them the facts and tell them to put it in writing. A private line is a private line, not a pipe for bullies to sqeeze through.
Just read your mail,and i think you should pat your self on the back,what a nice careing lady you are,and i to hope i have someone nice like you if i ever get poorly though i dought it.Its typical isnt it that family members that are doing nothing to help...have plenty to say on the matter.And the other lady is right ,do not worry about the debts ect(i know its easy for me to say)but you will surely be rewarded for your kindness,as i beleive what goes round comes round.and dont worry about the daughter your mum in law thinks the sun shines out of,shes the one who will be hanging her head in shame when the time comes,keep your chin up hun,you will be going to heaven,
Thanks guys for all your encouragment. This site is truly amazing! What a caring bunch you are and I am glad I've found you all. Thanks for your ideas too - all of which will go into action tomorrow! Nice to know that there are people out there feeling the same - suddenly caring doesnt seem such a lonely existance after all. Thanks again, much love Annie
Oh love there is no way you are a bad carer, you are an absolute star. Its always the way the one who does the least gets the most praise. I think the others here have given some good advice, so I won't add to it except to say that maybe her daughters you could come and provide some care during the day on a regular basis. This would give you a break and they would be able to a) see how there Mum truely is and b) give them time with their her, if you could get something in place if may even free you up to do some part time work. And its her right to decide on her treatment, she's the one who has to go through it.
Sending you, your husband and mum in law lots of love and best wishes
