Wasn't going to bother with a blog - but after joining a couple of the chat rooms on here thought it might be a useful way of getting stuff out of my system. I feel a bit of a fraud as I dont have cancer myself. I gave up a business that I dearly loved to care for my mother in law (Babs) who came to live with us last November. She was really ill when we went to visit her and I couldnt bear to leave her in her unkempt warden controlled flat and brought her home. She has been here ever since. She became more and more ill and was wrongly diagnosed with bladder infections etc and it wasnt until I took her to casualty after she had lost so much blood that she was diagnosed with bladder cancer and operated on straight away. Luckily, we had an old annexe at the bottom of the garden - we've converted it for her and called it "Babsies Boudoir". She has a tv, music,kettle etc down there, shower and toilet so she can have her own space and me and my husband get some privacy too. I've put pictures of all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren up on the wall plus photographs of Bette Davis, Jean Kelly and all the old hollywood greats. She was a dancer - tap and ballet - and loves to reminiss. She has a chiropodist, a massuer and a manicurist come once a month - it gives her a boost and its people for her to talk to as well - I take it out of her pension money so that its not available income - but this doesnt seem to matter - we still struggle daily with benefits/social services etc. She comes up to the house for all her meals and when she feels like it. Its a good situation for all of us - I know we're really lucky but I get so low sometimes what with the news that her BCG treatment didnt work and she has to go back in for another scrape next week and more treatment. "Will it work this time do you think Annie?" she said to me with tears in her eyes. "Well lets hope it does" I replied - but really dont think it will. Finding it hard to be positive - she's 82 and doesnt want to be pulled about like this - but her daughters hit the roof when i said we should ask the doctors what kind of timespace she has and see if the treatment outweighs how she feels and see what she wants to do - I think they are being so selfish - they want her to have all this treatment for themselves - just so they dont have to face it - it's not fair on Babs she needs to do what's right for her - let her have a bit of say in the matter. They dont see her in pain, they dont see her staring into space, deep in thought with tears coming down her cheeks. I am the only one who sees that. Sometimes we just sit and have a little cry together - crying now typing this. And then theres finances etc. We are so in debt due to me giving up work and the carers allowance just isnt addequate to pay off all our loans credit cards etc that were easy to pay when i was working. We have court cases pending and defaults mounting - one guy from BT asked me the other day when I thought my mother in law would be dying so I could return to work and start paying again! . I feel sorry for Babs too that shes got stuck with me as a carer - I was never lucky enough to have children so have never really had to look after anyone before and I get it sooooooo wrong sometimes!! Babs has two daughters, one lives too far away to help and the other just doesnt bother (and yes, Babs thinks the sun shines out of her XXXX and shes a much better cook than I am and much cleaner than I am, oh and much more fun than I am etc etc.) This absolutely infuriates me... but gotta live with it. Just read this back and I sound so angry! But it's good to get it out in the open as I dont feel I can put all this on my husband (who has just been told he's got a hernia and cysts under his arms). My mum and dad are so supportive, but again they are both in their seventies and are recovering fro heart surgery, gout, oesterperosis etc etc. I am just so fed up looking after everyone...but you cant say that...they feel guilty enough that you are anyway...Feel like I'm losing my personality, losing who i am in all this and am going to have some counselling/mentoring next week. Have started making flower brooches out of scraps of material just to do something creative and grab back that side of me! PHEW... that feels better!
FormerMember
I have just read your blog and am amazed that you haven't buckled under altogether considering the pressure you're under!! I think you are an inspiration to others who are finding it difficult to cope as carers. Don't under estimate the difference you are making to your MIL's life. Don't beat yourself up comparing yourself to your SIL's abilities, you are the one there providing care and support for Babs and making the difference. I had similar problems with my siblings when my Dad was ill and dying. I felt I was busting a gut at times getting things sorted in my methodical, steady way and then my siblings would come down shouting the odds and making their presence known (and taking all the credit for getting some situations eased etc). But believe me when I say there was alot of guilt and soul searching when he died because of the way they treated him on the whole, things said and unsaid etc. However, I have to say I felt very comfortable in my shoes as I has offered the words of comfort and support etc.
I think it is perfectly understandable that you should feel angry about your situation, as Ruth says it is Babs, your husband and you that are important. I think it's sensible that you should consider the long term prospects of Babs health. Once you have all the facts and figures you can discuss with her what she wants to do. She may feel she doesn't want to undergo aggresive treatment at her time of life and prefer to end her days peacefully with good quality palliative care. But what ever she decides is up to her not her daughters. It sounds to me that you provide very well for Babs, she sounds comfortable and happy with you and your husband. Don't worry about shielding him from the hurt of his mother's condition because he isn't well, I'm sure he is big enough to take a step back if it gets too much for him to cope with. You also need to take more YOU time, you have a big burden on your shoulders. Are you getting debt counselling for your money worries? My husband has recently done this due to ill health and says it's the best thing he's ever done. The court was very sympathetic to his situation. The financial advisers are intouch often to see how he's coping and offering continual help and advice. I'm sure as soon as they hear your plight the situation will ease for you too. Anyway, the important thing is to stay strong and continue the love and support you have for Babs and ask for help from those in the know. Remember to feel comfortable in your shoes and ignore the others. If you are doing your best no one can ask for more. Keep your health and sanity, you will be no good to anyone if you end up run into the ground and ill. I will pray for you and your situation and hope things improve soon. I send you love and wish you well, you are making a wonderful difference and valuable contribution to Babs and her well being. God Bless you all.GA XXXXX
You can just stop that right here and now about being a rubbish carer. ( thats the mother bit of me coming out!) You sound an absolute diamond and if i needed a carer, you would be a strong contender. ( dont worry.......i wont really call on you). Your mum in law sounds as though she has got the roght person looking after her. People who arent with the ill person day in and day out are always full of what they would do, but let them try it, i am sure their opinions would soon change. What you were saying about letting mum have a say in all this , shows true love and understanding. Just because she is in her 80s doesnt give anyone the right to make her choices for her if she is mentally able to do so for herself.
Sorry you are having financial trouble. Losing an income can be so hard on the household. How blooming insensitive was that BT man, i really hope you gave him what for. If not......give me his number and i will gladly do it for you.
I have just returned to work after being at home 3 weeks looking after my partner so can fully appreciate how you feel about losing your identity. When you are used to being your own person and then suddenly it is taken away it is such a shock. I got to the point where i wasnt even bothering to comb my hair. How scraggy is that?
Anyway i havent come on here to talk about me. All i wanted to say was, dont be hard on yourself, you sound like a wonderful person, and i am sure you mother in law is grateful to have you.
Thanks JK, for your kind words and understanding. I am not normally this morose but today has just been one of those days! I have joined the carers group on here and looking forward to getting to know everyone. I wrote to the Ombudsman about the BT guy and citizens advice have started to help us now too - so I am sure that things will improve - it's just I am sooooooo impatient! - as I said today was just a bad day. Also, we've never been in debt before or had to rely on state benefits and this is just a nightmare to get through. Hopefully I'll soon stop moaning long enough to offer help to someone else! Thanks again for your kind words, love Annie x
Dear Ruth, Thanks for your kind words and understanding. You are obviously an old hat at all this and perhaps I should addopt you as my guru?!! LOL I am not normally this morose but today has just been one of those days! I have joined the carers group on here and looking forward to getting to know everyone. Thank you for all the useful advice - citizens advice have started to help us - so I am sure that things will improve - it's just I am sooooooo impatient! - as I said today was just a bad day. Hopefully I'll soon stop moaning long enough to offer help to someone else! Thanks again for your kind words, love Annie x
