So angry with this cancer lark!!!!

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

25 Nov 2009

Tonight I can't stop crying and all because a work colleague posted on her facebook page that she is going to college to do an adult teaching course. This made me cry because I was supposed to be doing this and we were going to do it together. Instead I've got bloody cancer and face 6 months of chemo to kill it. Then a course of radio after that. I feel so bloody pissed off, angry, annoyed, frustrated, that this thing has made me put my life on hold while everyone elses around me is continuing with theirs. I never thought I could miss work so much but I am so bored. I have asked if there is any work I can do at home but my LM hasn't got back to me that was two weeks ago. Going out to do my work is not really suitable , I have to travel to different day nurseries to assess students. I'm sitting here asking again the question WHY ME, I have been doing so well until I read her post. I can't post anything on my profile about how I feel because I don't want to upset her. I am feeling scared about Friday, even though I've read all the books etc, bloggs, and listened to others about the chemo I am really cr...ing myself. Everyone has gone to bed and I'm sitting on my own feeling so alone because they don't really understand how I am feeling. How can a simple happy comment from a good friend make me this upset. Need to pull myself together feel so stupid at the same time being like this, it's not her fault. I went to visit my aunt today who had breast cancer two years ago and now has bowel cancer plus shadows on lungs and kidneys. It was good to talk to her as she is so positive that it made me feel positive, we had a laugh about what other memebers of the family are up to, and I came away feeling happy, now I feel like a complete wreck. Writing all this down has helped the tears are beginning to subside, need a mug of hot chocolate now and then bed hopefully before 1am, for some reason I can't get to sleep very early just lately.

It is good to have somewhere to be able to put all these thoughts good and bad, I hope though there are going to be more good days than bad on this journey.

love and hugs to all Amanda xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

I echo everyone's comments and good luck for tomorrow. I know 6 months seems like such a long time now but believe me it does fly past, I'm just at the end of my radio following 6 x FEC chemo and I cant quite believe where the time has gone.

But chin up, and remember we are here to help support you through those down days

Love Fi :)
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hope you are feeling better today. I know how you feel everyones life carrying on as "normal" while yours is on hold. I too missed the discipline of going to work etc but seem now to be quite content with just pottering around and watching rubbish on tv which is also quite worrying ! Good Luck with chemo x
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Amanda,

Hope the first cycle of chemo has gone ok for you, well done thats the first one over and done with.

take care love Terri xxx
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Amanda,

I was diagnosed two days before you (7th Oct) and am feeling exactly as you are. My chemo isn't due to start for a few weeks due to fertility treatment but even now I am frightened half to death every time I think about it. I have been working full time for the past ten years and to suddenly be at home on my own all day takes some getting used to. Its difficult when I think of all of the things I had on at work and that someone else is now doing them now.

I hope that the shopping trip cheered you up and I really hope your chemo goes ok tomorrow. I will be thinking of you. Good luck xx

Sarah xx
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi all,

Had a good afternoon shopping spending loads lol. Feel better tonight, just getting a bit anxious about start of chemo tomorrow glad when the first one is over with and I know what to expect. I have had so many texts and calls from friends wishing me good luck which as made me realise how much they care. It also felt nice to see how many of you responded to my rant and tears of last night especially when we are only brought together by this site. So thank you for all your messages. Not long to go know before tomorrow and I'm prepared to accept any of the side affects, meds that will make the journey bearable to reach the other side and goal of normality. Tonights feelings are one of determination don't know where I am getting it from though lol. Best wishes to you all.

Love and Hugs Amanda xx
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